It's not about the jeans!

It's so often the small, ordinary moments with our children that end up mattering the most. The ones we never quite see coming.

Lily was in her room getting her things together to spend the weekend with her Dad.

Her Mum, Sarah, realised they needed to leave for the station and went up to see how she was getting on. She walked in to find Lily sitting on the floor surrounded by a pile of clothes, in tears.

'What's going on?'

'I hate packing all the time. I hate having to keep track of all my stuff. I never know where anything is, and it's always in the wrong place. Like, where are my jeans?'

Sarah asked if she could sit down on the floor beside her.

'Wow, I can see you're really frustrated and probably a bit fed up.  I know how important feeling organised is to you. And, maybe you feel like you're the only one who has to constantly keep track of stuff.’

'Yeah,  like that new makeup and my face wash, and I only have one pair of jeans that I really like, and I can't find them. And yes, I know we need to leave.'

'Okay, I see what you mean. Maybe you also feel like you have to "pack" every time you move between your homes. I know you have stuff in both places, but there are certain things you want with you all the time. It might even feel hard to feel really settled.'

'Yes, exactly, Mum.'

'Well, this afternoon we need to skip off to the train,  and I'm pretty sure I saw those jeans behind the bathroom door. I'll get them. How about I help you get your stuff together now, and next time we're together, we sit down and come up with a plan to make it feel easier? How does that sound?'

'Okay Mum, thanks.'

It wasn't really about the jeans. It was the feelings that came up for Lily. Perhaps she likes to feel in control and on top of things, as most of us do, and right now, she feels overwhelmed. Lily has a lot going on. She is navigating life between two homes, with all the emotional and practical adjustments that bring, and she is also a teenager, at a stage when the need to feel settled and in control runs especially deep. 

Parenting means asking ourselves this question: What does my child need from me right now? 

Showing up and tuning in looks different at every age and stage, and the answer is rarely what we expect.  Relationships and trust aren't built in the big gestures. They're built in the small, ordinary moments and through curiosity, patience, warmth and kindness.

Transitioning between homes, keeping track of belongings, trying to feel at ease in different places — these are all part of a life lived between two homes. It isn't always easy. But the trust that we are doing our best to try and understand is built in moments exactly like this one. Not by fixing everything, but by sitting down on the floor, noticing what's really going on, and being curious, warm and kind. 

Sarah could have hurried her along, reminded her about the train, and told her the jeans would turn up ( while mentioning that it might be easier if Lily were less untidy!).  She didn't do any of that. She paused, she sat down, she got curious. She didn't try to fix the feelings or push past them; instead, she made space for them.

That's the thing about presence. It doesn't take long. But it changes everything, one moment at a time.