How to build trust with your child - its easier than you think

Tom was worried that the ongoing conflict with his co-parent was spilling over and causing stress for his kids. He wanted to try to improve the dynamics while building his relationship with his children. They're young, busy teens navigating life between two homes, and he wanted them to feel really safe and comfortable in both places. 

Here's a simple concept created by Stephen Covey, author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, that was really helpful to Tom. 

Every relationship has an ‘emotional bank account', just like the financial one, and our positive actions are the deposits that build up the balance of trust; negative actions are the withdrawals that deplete it.

When our account is full, we feel trusting, safe and secure. 

Tom thought hard about how he could build his emotional account with each of his kids and how he might even use this idea to improve the dynamics with his co-parent.

He decided to focus on his kids' transition between their homes. They generally come home straight from school, but there are times when he collects them or drops them off at their Mum's. Handovers are a tough transition for many children. Not only do they need to adjust to their other home, but it's often the only time they see their parents in the same space.

Like most of us, Tom had not always got it quite right.  He’s always so pleased to see his kids that he sometimes overwhelms them with questions, and forgets to keep them up to speed on small changes with plans. He can also see that his kids sense the tension when their parents are in the same space.  They're young teens, and hanging out with their friends becomes really important; Tom doesn’t always react well when he’s on the receiving end as they struggle to balance time between two homes, seeing their friends, and revising. 

Tom could see plenty of ways he could start making deposits. He’ll let them know when plans change and involve or check in with them when he can. He’ll give them space to settle quietly into their home. His son loves a chat when he arrives, but his daughter prefers to spend time in her room. He would respect that with "I know you like to get settled, I'll let you know when dinner's ready. I'm really happy to see you." He’ll do his best to acknowledge their feelings, trying: 'You seem a little flat. With all the revision, I get it. Is there anything I can do to help?' He could let them both know he's happy they're there, without needing a response in return. 

At this age, we can expect to make deposits without always knowing they're landing. We need to trust that the balance is slowly rising and providing the safety and security that our kids still need and crave.

Withdrawals are subtler than we think. Tom was going to resist the temptation to constantly ask them about their revision or check his phone when they chose a moment to share. He’d work hard not to react when they talked about their mum in a way that made them regret saying anything.  We all mess up. We say the wrong thing. We disappoint our kids. Tom was going to focus on repairing whenever he sensed he had made a withdrawal.

Tom’s kids don’t need him to be perfect.  They need him to do his best to help them feel safe, see them for who they are and be present. 

How might Tom use this concept with his co-parent?

The account that we have with our co-parent is quite different. It runs on a different currency. Hard as it feels, Tom recognises that his relationship has shifted from a romantic one to a practical one that’s built on a shared commitment to the children.  Tom would focus on deposits in this account, such as sending factual, child-focused messages, giving notice when things need to change, and sticking to what's been agreed and even occasionally putting his ego aside to acknowledge something his co-parent did well: "She mentioned you came to her match and she was really pleased."



Withdrawals are getting stuck on 'fair' rather than what's best for the kids, going silent when a decision is needed, or being inconsistent and dropping boundaries in an attempt to be accommodating. If Tom had said he preferred communication by email and then started messaging on WhatsApp, agreements become harder to hold and trust quietly drains away.

The co-parenting account Tom builds through good communication and consistency will now be there when he needs it, for the school decisions, the medical choices, and the difficult conversations.  Just as with his children, Tom doesn’t need to get it perfect. He just needs to keep making deposits.

The emotional bank account is not just for Tom; it’s a great tool to remind all of us where to put our energy and attention and just how important those positive deposits can be.  What deposits can you make today?