Blog Post
Five steps to transforming the relationship with your child
Heather Rutherford • Apr 01, 2021
The step by step guide to making the most out of your time together
Research from the American Academy of Pediatrics shows us that developmentally appropriate play (unstructured, screen free, relaxed time) with parents not only supports the development of emotional intelligence, social, cognitive, language and self-regulation skills but also helps form the safe, stable and nurturing relationships that kids need to thrive. Wow!
This special time lets us tune in to and truly discover each of our children. Our kids in turn feel seen, heard, accepted and loved uniquely – all of which builds their sense of self, self-esteem and resilience. As Collett Smart, a registered psychologist, educator and author of They’ll be Okay points out, “Using a homogenised approach that fits all our kids works about as well as the ‘one-size-fits-all’ [jumpers] fit our bodies. The small intimacies that are unique to the way you parent a particular child at a particular time of life are more likely to appear during one-on-one time.” That is magic.
One on one time helps improve behaviour. Connected time with our children often lets us tune into the little things so that our child doesn’t have to let us know that something is amiss through big emotions or misbehaviours. Our children feel secure, respected and unconditionally loved and are less likely to seek attention in less desirable ways.
I admire the work of John Gottman who points out that relationships work at their best when our emotional bank accounts are in good shape. We are making deposits in our children’s emotional bank accounts with child focused unstructured time together. When we uphold a boundary or set a limit we dip into our child’s full emotional bank account but we can still keep the relationship strong. Dipping into an empty account is much more challenging.
Here are five tips to make Special Time part of your family tradition:
1. Start with small steps: Just five minutes can make a difference. Start perhaps with a commitment to saying good night to each of your children (no matter what the age as long as they go to bed before you do!). Ask them if they would like to read, chat or play a short game. Connect Four was a favourite on our house. With older children, we can ask to come in and say goodnight, but a back rub, nail painting, or help tidying their room might be more appropriate. Knowing they will have this time, they are likely to save things they want to share about their day. These little times all add up to a strong relationship.
2. Be consistent: Make it a family ritual. Call it ‘special time’ if you like for younger children and make it sacred. Make the necessary preparations to ensure it happens. For example share with your partner so that you each have time with your child. Our children feel deeply valued when they know that nothing comes in the way of our time together and that there is no where else we would rather be than with them.
3. Drop the reins: Make the time fun and interactive and child, rather than parent, led. Kicking a football, colouring together, baking, playing with the dog, painting nails, or going for a coffee. Its about relaxing, screen free time to share. Children feel empowered when we show a real interest in what they love and we are willing to drop the reins. You have no idea what you might learn!
4. Give your FULL attention: Don’t interrupt this time by looking at a phone, checking your email or browsing the Sky TV Guide. Listen fully and be led. This is also great modelling for our children. When we listen carefully to the little things makes it more likely that they will tell us the big things when they need to. Being fully present and engaged is especially helpful for the child who is more introverted and who may stand in the shadow of a more extroverted or spirited sibling.
5. Never take it away. However disappointed we are with our child’s behaviour, we never use this one on one time as a consequence or take this time away. This special individual time is a critical building block to address all misbehaviour. It's precisely this time with us that they need to address the feelings behind the behaviour.
When our kids know that we are prioritising spending individual time with them, it can change our relationship while boosting their self-esteem and building trust. Giving children our undivided and uninterrupted attention validates them as important individuals which builds their feeling of self-worth.
One on one time lets them feel connected to a family but also to each of their parents independently. We develop intimacies, shared memories and insight that will support us through the ups and downs as they change and develop. Our gift of time makes our child feel valued, needed, secure and unconditionally loved.