How to teach kids to cope with worry and anxiety

Anxiety can show up in different ways, depending in part on the temperament of your child. They may find it hard to concentrate, have trouble sleeping or have bad dreams. They may not be eating; they may be getting angry or irritable quickly or having uncharacteristic outbursts. They may retreat into themselves and not want to talk. It’s normal and understandable during what has been a challenging time when we have been faced with constant uncertainty and change.  Children thrive on routine, predictability and security and months, even years, of uncertainty has taken its toll. 

On the positive side, we know that one of the constants in life is change. If we make it our job is to help our kids understand and manage these difficult feelings, model coping with our own stress and anxiety during challenging times, and help them feel calm, safe and secure we are helping them build resilience.  In a world where the constant is indeed change, resilience remains an important quality for happiness and success. 

In any time of turmoil, it’s not unexpected that anxiety, the body’s response to stress, will spring into action. Anxiety is a primitive reflex, an internal alarm system, that helps us identify and respond to danger in ‘fight or flight’ mode. This reflex can be useful when the feelings of apprehension or fear motivate us to face up to difficult challenges. We’ve all experienced the butterflies, adrenaline and sweaty palms before a presentation, a sporting match or a big test. Healthy anxiety comes, does its job and then recedes.  This is why an ability to cope with anxiety is key to resilience. However, the risk with the longer term anxiety or the intense worry that comes with the extended uncertainty is that we become overwhelmed, unable to engage our thinking brains, to relax and recover. 

When our kids feel anxious our parental reflexes tell us to step in, to help, to fix and to try and take the feeling away. We are coming from a place of love and protection but we can unknowingly make matters worse. If instead we help our kids understand that these feelings are normal and proactively show them ways to cope, we are helping them navigate whatever life throws at them and teaching them a key life skill.  

Here are a few things to help your child learn to cope: 

1. Help kids to manage their anxiety and worry rather than eliminate it.  The goal is to help kids to tolerate and get through anxiety and when we try and play down, dismiss, push aside and deny the feelings with ‘you have nothing to worry about’ we can  make them feel worse. Instead,  we want to talk about how their minds, in fact their primitive emotional brains, are working hard to keep them safe but that this can at times be unhelpful and overprotective. We can explain how they might feel - butterflies in their tummy, their heart beating faster, their brains feeling too alert at the wrong time - and that these are normal responses that their brain sends their bodies when it is in self-preservation mode. The goal is not to ignore or eliminate the anxiety but rather show our kids that they can learn to acknowledge it and manage it with our help. 

2. Use positive language.  Focusing on all the things that our kids get right and expressing realistic expectations will build their self–esteem and put them in a stronger place to manage their uncomfortable feelings.  We want to notice and point out all the times they are working hard to cope: “you recognised that you were starting to feel anxious. You slowed down and took some deep breaths. That is really taking charge of your feelings.” Acknowledge all the little things they do right:  “Thank you for asking how I am. That's really considerate.” This ‘descriptive praise’ bolsters self-esteem and a vital sense of competence. Directly in response to anxiety, we can acknowledge how well they are managing, such as deciding to take themselves off to do some exercise or jump on the trampoline: “that showed real determination to get on top of your anxiety, I hope that helped”. 

3. Name it to Tame it.  Anxiety is an emotional reaction. We can help our kids learn to manage these big emotions by watching closely and noticing and describing their feelings. This is what Dan Siegel, author and psychiatrist, coined “Name it to Tame it”. When we notice and then describe the emotion, we jump start the executive or rational brain. This calms the primitive emotional brain and helps our kids learn that they can get back to calm and manage these big feelings. This works with us as well. Parents who “reflectively listen” to their children teach them that all feelings, however uncomfortable, are acceptable (although some behaviours may not be) and that is the first step in learning to manage emotions. “I'm wondering if you're feeling worried about going on the bus.  It's daunting when you feel you have to make friends all over again."  Giving voice to the feelings doesn’t highlight or exacerbate them but rather normalises them. When you acknowledge that these feelings exist and validate them, your child is in a better place to learn to take control. “I know this is very hard for you. You are anxious about when you’ll see Granny again. You miss Friday afternoons in her kitchen. I get that”.   Just letting them share and talk about their fears and emotions can help them process the feelings, reinforce that they do not need to struggle alone and help them to a place from where they can start to problem solve.  

4. Take small steps.  We want to set things up so our children are more likely to succeed. Helping our kids to work through situations and experiences one step at a time builds competence, confidence, independence and self-esteem.  It's vital to take things at a slower pace – one very small step at a time. Perhaps your son thrived at home without the stresses of the school corridor or lunch room.  Sit down with him at a calm quiet time, empathise and engage and ask him what he is might try to help make lunch time less worrying such as find a friend to go with him or join a club that meets over lunch.  Listen. Perhaps your daughter seems more anxious about making mistakes. Ignore as much as you can the small things and focus on one thing at a time. Start with mornings and work with her to set up a system to help her remember all she needs to take to school.  Small steps mean success which builds competence and vital confidence and puts kids in a better place to manage stress. 

5. Focus on solutions.  So often kids get caught in a negative feedback loop and focus on their fears. Talking through situations and supporting them to come up with their own solutions can calm their worried brains. If we can move them from a focus on the anxiety to telling themselves that they don’t have to listen to the noise in their heads, they will be working towards solutions and learning to manage their internal voice. “Tell me a little more about that worry. Let’s break that down and see if it is completely right.  How can we take that worry that I know you are feeling and turn it into a positive thought?” “I know you are worried about that. I get that. Can you think what small steps you can take?”

6. Model how you manage your own anxiety.  Kids pick up on our vibes. If we show that we are worried, they will think that they should be worried as well. We don’t want to deny that we are concerned but we can put extra effort into taking a more positive, problem solving, proactive approach to your own anxieties.   We can explain to our kids that we sometimes get hijacked by our thoughts and we need to be brave and put ourselves back in charge by doing things that we have control over such as getting exercise, taking time out, having fun time with family or helping others. 

7. “I am here to help.”  This is the most effective phrase that we can use with our kids as we work through worry and anxiety. They need to know that they are not alone and that you are in it together. “I know you feel anxious. I am here to help.” It is important to seek professional help if you feel your child is suffering, you are worried for their safety or if their mental health is  impacting their enjoyment of life.   They are not alone.  The waiting lists for professional help have never been longer.  In the meantime, there is much we can do for all our children through our presence and helping them feel secure and strongly and deeply connected and attached to us.  We do this by sending the message “I am here”, remaining calm, acknowledging them, understanding them and being positive and consistent. 

This continues to be a challenging time.   We want to remember to slow down, be present and manage our expectations about our children and help them feel safe, understood and secure. We are being given the opportunity to be more honest and open about the difficult feelings and emotions that we are all experiencing. The more we talk about the purpose of anxiety and our body’s response to it, the more our kids will be equipped to cope and be resilience.