Harmony at Home - Making the Best of Tough Times

Parenting, working, supervising school tasks, helping others or just putting food on the table during isolation demands strength and focus. I have been reminded many times over the last three and a half weeks that stress, anxiety and mental strain as well as just keeping our families going,  causes real physical exhaustion. 

If you are feeling tired and anxious you’re not alone. A recent poll asking about the mental, emotional, and physical health of respondents amid this global pandemic showed that the strongest and most pervasive emotion they are feeling is anxiety, followed closely by overwhelm or exhaustion.  

Uncertainty is something humans are not so good at and leads to anxiety as does adjusting and transitioning to our unique not at all normal new normal. It is a process, one that we have never experienced and one that unfortunately takes time.  

Managing our Expectations: When we are tired, when we are low, when we feel that we’re just not getting anything done, it’s time to adjust our expectations about ourselves and those around us. This process of expectations management is hard and is especially tricky for the perfectionist. Uncertainty and fear cause stress and our kids have an uncanny knack for sensing all that we are feeling.  We will see, at a minimum, more tantrums, sibling scuffles, less time to do our work AND difficulty concentrating when we are working and that’s even before we talk about the challenges of home schooling which start apace next week. We need to manage our expectations (perhaps this is time to let our duvet ironing go) and trust in the foundations of our family, to focus instead on building connections AND be gentle, very gentle, with ourselves.  

Be wary of the information overload. Our on-line lives are providing vital support by keeping us connected, helping us to keep learning and exploring, helping us work and keep businesses alive but we need to be wary of whether information overload is fanning the flames of our discomfort. When we see endless posts and articles telling us how we should be doing everything from home-schooling, to reshaping our entire businesses online while setting up interesting creative activities with our kids, is this adding to overwhelm? Is this too much to ask in the not at all normal new normal? Be kind to yourself – be gentle. Instead trust your instincts, get curious about your kids and how the situation is affecting them and keep finding ways that you can connect and all laugh and let off steam. 

This is an enormously difficult time and it will be especially challenging for some of us. But in this hardship, can we think where we might find our opportunity? We are stuck at home with our family which is unprecedented for many of us, especially for those of us with teen and young adult children. How can we use this time to get a little bit closer and for our kids to feel supported, safe and seen? This is not to put more pressure on ourselves but rather to help us remember that with difficulty there is also opportunity and that our kids want more than anything just our presence and for us to be ourselves.  

Let’s look at a few practical things we can do:

1. Home-schooling or learning in isolation? - First it is not home schooling - for those who do home school their kids it can look very different from learning remotely or in this case, in isolation. With home schooling, there is a plan, activities to get out and about, lots of learning with others – so if you are thinking “Schools go back next week and I am not cut out for home schooling"– few of us are cut out for providing our kids’ education at home in isolation. We are doing the best that we can and the best learning (after they have done the work provided by school) may be using their imagination, reading, accessing amazing on line resources such as Common Sense Media's Wide Open School and Khan Academy and spending time exploring new ideas with you.

2. Flexible structure. It won’t be the first time you have heard about the importance of a schedule to help us all get through this time in isolation. We want to work out a schedule with our kid’s input and revise it often. What a great time to build collaboration and flexibility. The conversation should contain plenty of ‘when we’ve done this… then we can do that.” As well as flexibility and revision - ‘how did yesterday go for you?’ “I am not sure that we have had enough time for reading and just hanging out over the last couple of days. What do you think?”  Short spurts of work (while you work perhaps) followed by fun, movement, connection and descriptive praise. 

  3. Make space for emotions. We know that fear and anxiety cause stress and stress shows up in our behaviour. The inevitable worry that we all feel, whether fear about our loved ones, disappointment of missed activities, feeling isolated from our friends or just confusion about so much change, the stress we feel manifests itself in each of us differently depending upon our temperament and personality. The uncertainty AND the isolation are going to be especially tough for those who are more anxious.  

Is your child an orchid and more sensitive to both the positives and negatives that life throws at them or a dandelion who is more resilient and is less likely to feel overly anxious? We want to recognise and help ourselves and our kids make space for all these feelings.  We don’t want to talk our kids out of the feelings or deny them but rather be open and inquisitive and validate their feelings: “I can see this is really tough for you. ““Tell me more about your worries. I can see how you would feel that way. That is tough” “How are you feeling about going back to school while you are still at home?” Only when they are CALM can we focus on problem solving - Then we want to focus on what we can control such as a schedule, staying safe, connecting with friends on line, exercise, sleep, being mindful of how much information we are digesting and putting some energy into helping others. 

Give choices: A way to give our kids a great feeling of control in a time of worry and stress is to offer them choices as often as we can. “Do you want to do your cleaning job before or after lunch?” “Shall we take the dogs out after or before lunch?’ “Do you want to work in the kitchen or in the playroom?” “Shall we play Connect 4 or Bananagrams?” “What’s your plan for getting some exercise? “Not only does giving choices help us remember not to bark orders and nag, it is respectful and empowering for our kids.  Competencies build confidence. 

4. One on one time – What is it that you can do with each of your kids that will make them feel relaxed, safe and connected to you? You may think that you are home with them all day so you are together. We are talking about special time with each of them – it can be short – that says “there is not where I would rather be right now than here with you”.  It can help our kids avoid the outbursts as well as just make them feel closer to you.  One of my kids has a new interest in the garden and our thing is to get outside weed and grow seeds.  Another is interested in cooking and I can be the sous chef while we chat. Another has spent time decorating her room and I Iove to sit, chat and see what she has done. This will evolve over the days and the weeks, but it is our job to take their lead, show our interest and keep filling their emotional cup. 

5. Acknowledge ALL the stuff they get right – We are all confined to a small space. Sometimes it is hard to remember to focus on all the small things our kids get right. Leave the blame, judge, punishment or shame outside your home as it eats into our kids’ self-esteem. If we want to motivate them to behave well, they need to feel good about themselves and believe that we love them for who they are (warts and all). “thanks for coming when I asked for supper.” ’You did your cleaning job without being reminded- that’s being responsible” “You remembered to put your glass in the dishwasher.” “Wow you are so angry but you remembered to use your words rather than hit – that is great self-control.”  

6. Put on your oxygen mask – We will finish where we started with a reminder that there is a reason that they say to put on your own oxygen mask before helping those around you. We need to feel grounded – which is hard right now – to be self-aware and to be the captain of your ship – so our kids feel safe and secure. It is vital to take time out and save a space for yourself. Share your worries with a friend – try to laugh and cry and most importantly manage those expectations – one day at a time and be gentle with yourself.