Some thoughts on strong wills from our recent Tweens and Teens workshop

Some children come out fighting and are strong willed from the day they can utter their first “NO”. Others emerge as having a will of iron in their teenage years. In either case life has the potential to become a constant power struggle. American parenting expert Bonnie Harris suggests that we can choose either to see these children as difficult, obstinate and stubborn or we can view them for their strengths of not shying away from conflict, having integrity and a strong view of what is fair.

· Acknowledge with descriptive praise . We are conditioned to correct, fix and point out the things our children get wrong. Instead, if we acknowledge all the things they get right we get more of the behaviour we want to see and cooperation. We will find our relationship in a positive motivation cycle. (Much more on this in our courses).

· Don’t take it personally . They are not out to get you. Step back, breathe and remember “she is not BEING a problem, she is HAVING a problem” and I am here to help her learn. Remember her developmental stage, her temperament and what might be reasonable to expect.

· Keep working on the relationship. Defiant behaviour can be a sign that the relationship needs some work. Spend one on one time with each of your children every day. It doesn’t have to be long but they need to know you are interested, that they have your full attention and it needs to be a consistent part of their lives (listen to their music (even if it is Justin Bieber!), play a game with them, walk the dog together or give them a back rub). Our children need to know that we understand ... always. We may not accept the behavior but we need to accept the feelings. We don’t want to control them into MAKING them comply, we can only help them WANT to cooperate with that acknowledgement and empathy and a positive relationship.

· Plan ahead to avoid the hot spots . Have clear limits & boundaries (not too many) around things that are important to you (your family values) such as screen time, phone use, swearing, being respectful, hitting. Discuss these during a calm collaborative moment and get their input. They need to know you are hearing their side. For example, when does homework get done? You all agree that it is after kicking the football and a snack and after homework is TV time. If they don't come in after the football this evening, then the natural consequence is that they have run out of time for TV.

· Ask your children and give choices . The more you can ask for their ideas and offer choices the more you are engaging your child in taking responsibility for solving the problem themselves. ' We need to work our tech time as it is not working at the moment. How much time do you think you should have on your screens?' 'Shall we set the charging station up in the kitchen or in the hall so we remember our phones on the way out the door?' 'Why don't you all work out who is going to walk Alfie when this week and how we will remember?'.

· Acknowledge and Empathise and as Dr Dan Siegel , US neuropsychiatrist, says 'connect and redirect'. Most importantly first connect 'F or you to swear like that shows me just how angry you are at having to do your homework. I bet you wish that they didn’t give you any at all. I get that. It is the last thing that you want to do when you get home after a long tiring day.' In this emotional reactive mode, we won’t be able to reason with them. When you have understood and they feel heard, come up with a solution that works for you both.