10 Things I Learned from my Separation and Divorce

I never imagined that I would be in the almost 50% of us who end up getting divorced. I certainly didn’t walk down the aisle or have three amazing children with the man I loved, expecting to become a statistic.

We may not have wanted to be here, but here we are and for most of us our biggest worry is how our divorce will impact our children. We know that no matter their age, divorce is always stressful and can feel devastating for kids.

The latest research tells us that it’s normal for children to take up to two years to transition and adjust. The research also reinforces what we intrinsically know,  that it’s not the divorce that damages children but the level of conflict that they experience before, during, and after.   The higher the levels of parental acrimony and conflict, the harder it is for children and teens to adjust and the longer the ripple effects continue with negative impacts on mental health and wellbeing.  Remembering that divorce is an ongoing process rather than an event and continually working hard, really hard,  to reduce conflict has many long term benefits (Reference).

We also know that kids who maintain a deep connection with both parents fare much better.  Children need to feel safe, connected, secure, and heard. They need to feel that they are still at the centre of the family, that the divorce was not their fault, and that their family lives on. Divorce ends a marriage, not a family.

I’ve learned many things through my experience, some of them the hard way. I know that with determination, self-discipline, compassion, understanding, and curiosity, both parents can emerge from divorce with a deeper, more profound relationship with their children that sets them all up for a happy and healthy future.

There are tools that we can use and things we can do that help us tune in deeply to our children, be effective listeners, and help our kids talk, be heard, and feel safe. We can learn to have compassion for ourselves so that we can be present and available  and we can do the hard work to put our pride and ego aside for the benefit of our children.

Our goal is to help each child process and make sense of the change, manage the transition in their family, adjust, and thrive.

Here are just a few of the things that I have learned:

1.  Begin with the End in Mind.

Caught up in the stressful process of divorce, overwhelmed with emotion, and concerned for our kids, it’s hard to see beyond where we are right now. Stepping back and thinking about the future helps us guide our response to the inevitable stress and potential conflict.

Try asking yourself these two questions:

1.  How would I like our kids to talk about their experience of our separation and divorce in 5 or 10 - or 20 years’ time?

2.  How would I like their relationship to be with me and with their other parent?

We’re more likely to get closer to our vision of the future if we work hard to put the needs of our children first throughout the process and in the months and years to come.  Their needs include honesty, respect, empathy, consistency, predictability, and unconditional love in a family which honours where they came from and who they are. They want parents who put their need to feel part of a family at the centre,  who can celebrate milestones together, who can be in the same space, and who remain, open minded and flexible as they put their children first. 

2. Look after yourself.

It’s hard (practically impossible) for us be emotionally present for our kids if we’re in emotional turmoil.  Separating or divorcing is usually  traumatic and you’re likely to feel overwhelmed with big feelings - sadness, anger, fear, guilt, denial, exhaustion. We can’t be the calm, empathetic presence, able to give the emotional support our children need while modelling how to cope, if we are overwhelmed ourselves. 

Divorcing parents need help. We need an empathetic non-judgemental and understanding listener to help us recognise, process, and manage these big emotions in a healthy way. We may need a good friend, a counsellor, a divorce coach, a support group, or our family to keep us on the right track and help us to keep the end in mind.  Find a positive influence, someone to be your Emotion Coach and pull you up and help you find the emotional capacity to give your kids what they need.

I found that feeling listened too, which included some venting, I was in a better place to find healthy coping strategies that I could model to my kids. Breathing, exercise, consistent routines, self-care, love and laughter are all vital to help us reduce stress levels, have access to our rationale brain to make better decisions, and get some rest.

Be kind to yourself and accept that this is hard, very hard. You want to protect your children and you may be feeling lots of things including guilt that you have let them down. They don’t need a perfect you, they need a real but calm you who can admit when they've messed up and who they can look to for consistency, support, love, and guidance.

3.  Know that each child will grieve differently.

The age, stage of development and the temperament of each child plays a huge part in how each child experiences divorce. Our children’s behaviour is sending a message about their needs and how they feel. Kids say that divorce, even for those ‘expecting it’, is a shock.  The inevitable feelings of loss and grief will come out in very different ways and at different times. It’s normal for our kids to experience different stages of grief and you may see: 

Denial: ” This can’t be happening. I’m so sad, but I’m sure they won’t be apart for long.”

Anger: “This is all your fault! How can you mess up my life like this!" or "Maybe I did something to make it worse? I’m confused and worried.”

Bargaining: ”I’m going to be really good and maybe they'll decide to get back together.” or " if I misbehave, then they might get distracted from their divorce."

Sadness: “I feel so lonely and sad. I’m not sure anyone understands.”  

Acceptance: "They’re not getting back together. I get that. I was really sad, but I am getting used to it now – most of the time."

Feelings come like waves.  Some retreat and others come again. Knowing this we can be alert to the message that their behaviour may be sending, the need that is not being met or the emotion that feels overwhelming.  We can't fix the feeling or take it away but we can help kids to understand that these feelings are normal and understandable and support them by listening, empathising and being present.  If your child is stuck, especially in sadness, or you notice that they're retreating from things and activities they used to enjoy,  they may need professional help.

4.. Emotion Coaching is KEY. 

Listening, trying to understand, validating, and giving voice to emotions helps kids process and find healthy ways to cope.

Real empathy means listening without judgement (or interrupting!) to try and understand what it feels like to be them.

Emotion Coaching is about listening more and talking less – always hard for parents.

“I can see that you hate having to get organised to have things in two places. You don’t like that. Am I right? “ 

“Sometimes emotions get all bottled up inside and come out as tears when we feel stress or are triggered with sadness (like crying uncontrollably in a film). It’s good it’s coming out. That’s also so tough, isn’t it?"

“I imagine that is really painful when you feel you're not being heard. “

“I’m wondering if you’re thinking ‘why would they do this if they knew it would be hard for me?'. It makes you feel angry.  Could that be right?’

“You’re worried that you have your own things you want to do such as trips or getting a job and then you feel pressured to spend equal time between us in different places. I want to hear what you feel you need."

“It’s not ideal or healthy that we can’t talk to each other. Parents need to be able to talk to each other for your well-being. This is so tough, and I imagine hard to understand."

“You feel that you have enough on and that you should not have to be the go between us. I get that.”

“When you are with Daddy, you miss Mummy. And when you are with Mummy, especially when you are having a tough day, you miss Daddy. That is so hard.”

We need to be the safe space where all feelings, no matter how uncomfortable or painful, can be given a voice and shared. It's hard to be that space especially when we're used to fixing problems, offering solutions, or perhaps not even going there as we don’t want our kids to hurt, be stressed, or experience pain.  Divorce is a loss. Kids will feel hurt, stressed, and sad. Feeling comforted, understood, and acknowledging the emotion is the first step to moving forward.

5.  Keep working on the connection. 

We know that the strength of the relationship and connection between each parent and each child helps mitigate the impact of divorce, helps kids manage the change, and builds resilience.   Being an emotion coach builds connection as does the safety and security of feeling our presence in their lives.

We want to put connection at the front and centre of all we do.   Kids want to feel connected to each of us and to their family. Divorce ends a marriage not a family.

When someone asks a child:

 ‘So tell me about your family?"

 They might say:

 “Well I have a mum and a dad; they are divorced so I have two homes.   I have a sister and a brother and our dog, Molly, who lives at my dad’s, and our cat Fred, who lives at my mum’s.”

Kids need to feel connection and belonging in both their homes. We want to keep searching for ways to connect, to carve out special time together and search for windows into their world.  When the door is just slightly ajar, slip in in the way that is appropriate for each child - talking, doing, or just being. 

Consistency of relationship and connection and the story that we tell sends the vital message that the family has changed but has not ended.

6.  Keep your dignity.

We are our children’s role model, their teacher, and their coach. They look to us to see how we manage, respond, and cope. Divorce is a painful and sometimes combative process and it’s all too easy for this to spill over into our communication with our kids.

We don’t want (ever) to say anything derogatory about their other parent. Children see themselves as part Mum and part Dad and putting down their other parent can feel as though we're criticising them.  It lowers our kids’ self-esteem, at a time when it's naturally more fragile, it impacts their respect for us and it’s just not kind.

Keeping our dignity means that we only share what is appropriate with our kids. We communicate directly with our co- parent, not through the kids. Ask yourself what your kids need to hear? We want to give our children the age-appropriate facts that enable them to make sense of their story, but they don't need to know all the detail and they're certainly not a shoulder to cry on, we want to save that for our support network. Remember your kids will be looking back on your divorce, what would you like them to say?

7.   Circle the wagons.

Pull together and enlist help to protect and keep that light burning at the centre for your children.  If your kids have adults in their lives who they like and trust, get their help. In my family, this has been godparents, older cousins, aunts, uncles, teachers, and friends.  When these wonderful people ask - can I help? say “yes!"

These people have been a presence in our children’s lives, invaluable in helping kids to know there that they are unconditionally loved, safe and are part of a something greater.   They can provide consistency, be a sounding board, a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with and a safe place in a storm.

8.  Be the constant in your kid’s lives.

Hard as it sometimes, be there. Be present. Try as much as you can to set up two homes where real life takes place – fun, homework, discipline, family gatherings, boredom, friends – normal real life stuff.  It's not a place just for special occasions or where you try to  ‘make it up to them’ with extravagant gestures. This isn’t real.  Sort it with your co-parent, no matter how hard that is, and leave the kids to be kids.  Our children crave secure, safe, loving, and comfortable homes as they adjust to their new life. Be yourself and enjoy them.

And finally,

9. Our kids don’t need perfection, they need our sometimes messy, real, consistent and loving presence.

10. This too will pass.