Helping your kids get along in isolation

How to help your children feel they belong after separation.

Fri, 13 Feb 2026 16:27:57 GMT

"This is my Place"

Belonging in a Separated Family: Helping Children Feel “This Is My Place” in Two Homes

It’s Place2Be’s Children’s Mental Health Week , and this year’s theme, “This is My Place’’ is about the importance of belonging. Children deserve to feel that they belong. They need to feel connected and valued in a safe place where they can be happy, relaxed and have the freedom to be themselves.

Feeling ‘This is my Place’ is never more important than when parents separate, and children transition and adjust to life between two homes. Knowing that change can feel unsettling and stressful, what can parents and caregivers do to help children feel secure and that they belong?

Getting curious about how each of our children experiences family separation is a great start. We can ask ourselves: how does all the adjustment and change feel to my unique child, given their temperament and at their age or stage of development? Curiosity is a parenting superpower.

It’s reassuring to remember that children don’t need us to be perfect and that everything doesn’t need to be the same in both homes. It’s wonderful and helpful if you and your co-parent can work together so your homes reflect your co-parenting values. It’s consistency, predictability and reliability that are most important to our children.

Children of divorce can thrive when parents work together to understand their children's needs and do their best to help them feel safe, seen, and understood while embracing all their emotions. Belonging is about feeling valued, included and respected, and it’s our responsibility to keep things as calm and cooperative as possible in our relationship with our co-parent – not perfect, but good enough and always child-focused.

When belonging feels wobbly after separation

Separation brings change, and change can feel hard for children. Each child experiences and learns to manage change in their own unique way. You may have a son who is temperamentally flexible, and change doesn’t faze him quite so much, but for your daughter, who thrives on predictability and regularity, all this change feels very hard.

Our children often show how they’re coping through their behaviour – they might become clingier, withdrawn, or they disengage at school. Others might try very hard to be “good” or keep everyone happy.

These reactions are understandable. Often, they’re a child’s way of asking a quiet question: “Am I still okay here? Do I still belong?”

Gentle ways to support a sense of belonging across two homes

1. Let children know they don’t have to choose

Children worry about loyalty — about enjoying time in one home and hurting their other parent. They may decide to keep these worries to themselves.

Simple, repeated reassurance helps:

● ‘You belong here, and you belong with Mum too.’

● ‘It’s okay to feel at home in both places.’

● ‘I love hearing about what you get up to’

● ‘Have a great time with Dad this week.’

Hearing this regularly helps children relax, adapt to the change and settle into their homes.

2. Create familiar rituals in your own home

Your home doesn’t need to run the same way as the other parent’s. Your home reflects you and your values. What matters is that your child knows what to expect when they’re with you .

This might be:

● A familiar transition ritual when you’re back together

● A predictable mealtime or bedtime routine

● Respectful rules and boundaries in a place where real life happens.

Small, repeated moments of connection help your child feel grounded and safe — feeling safe and secure is the foundation of belonging.

3. Talk about family in a way that includes both homes

Children need help making sense of their family story after separation. The words we use and the stories we tell are important in helping them feel connected.

Try language that keeps things whole:

● ‘You have a home here and a home at Dad’s’

● ‘We both love you and look after you in our own ways.’

● ‘This is just part of how our family works now.’

This reassures children that their family hasn’t disappeared — it’s just changed shape. A six-year-old boy might say when he’s asked to talk about his family – ‘I have a home with my dad and my cat Fred and a home with my Mum and Ian and my sisters and our dog Angus.’

4. Make space for feelings, especially around changeovers

Moving between homes can bring up lots of feelings, even when things are generally going well. Children always need to know that all feelings are welcome , even when behaviour needs some guidance.

You might notice:

● Sadness before or after transitions

● Irritability or emotional outbursts

● Quiet withdrawal

Naming and accepting these feelings, without rushing to fix them, helps children feel understood and safe to be themselves.

● ‘It’s ok to feel sad about saying goodbye’

● 'I know you miss Mummy when you’re here, and you miss being here when you’re with Mummy. That’s normal.

' I can see you're really frustrated. It's hard to keep track of all your things when you move between two homes and all your activities. Let's think about what we can do to help make this a bit easier. '

5. Come back together after tricky moments

It’s important to repair whenever there’s a rupture, as it shows children that relationships can bend without breaking, and that mistakes don’t mean that there’s less love. When we repair, children learn emotional safety, trust, and over time, how to repair their own relationships. Perhaps a transition is rushed and less than perfect, or perhaps you slip in a derogatory comment about your co-parent to your child. We all make mistakes, and we can take responsibility for that part of us that slipped up.

Repair can be simple:

● 'That felt hard earlier.'

● 'I’m sorry I snapped — Part of me was feeling overwhelmed this morning.'

● 'We’re okay. I love you.'

This teaches children that relationships — and their place in them — are solid and secure, even when things go wrong.

The message children need to hear underneath it all

In separated families, belonging grows when children experience over and over through our words and our actions:

‘This is your home. You are welcome here.'
'You’re loved in both places.'
'You don’t have to earn your place - it’s already yours.'

Belonging isn’t created through big gestures or perfect co-parenting. It grows in the everyday moments — in how children are greeted, listened to, reassured, and reconnected with.

When children feel emotionally safe in each home, they carry that sense of belonging with them wherever they go, knowing that even though family life looks different now, their place within it is secure .

How to raise an adult

Mon, 09 Feb 2026 20:50:49 GMT

Parenting is a long game played out in the tiny interactions and moments we have with our children.

It’s tough to remember, when we’re absorbed in the day-to-day of parenting, that we’re, in fact, raising adults.

Perhaps when you step back and ponder the adult you hope your child will become, you think about the traits, qualities and values you'd like them to have. We each have our own hopes and dreams for our children, and most of us would say that above all else we hope they'll be content, healthy and kind. We might hope that our children are resilient, grateful and independent with strong self-belief and self-awareness, feeling valued, respected, treasured, and purposeful.

The big question for any parent, whether you're parenting together or apart, is how do we get from here to there?

How do we turn our focus from getting them out the door in the morning, making sure the homework gets done, managing screen time and our interactions with our co parent, to that adult we're trying to raise?

It's thinking about the long game that helps us define the values we choose to live, and it's precisely through the moments and tiny interactions with our kids that we raise that adult.

Whether our children have one home or two, we have opportunities every day to build the strong connection that helps them stay open to our influence, modelling and teaching, and to thrive. It's through the strength and security of the relationship that we develop with each of our children that we set them up to become that successful, content, fulfilled, purposeful and loving adult.

Here are just some of the things we can do to make those tiny moments count:

Look up and smile when they walk into the room.
Get down on their level and play.
Remember the names of their friends.
Show that you control what you can control and let go of what you can't.
Create little rituals and traditions that are unique to the two of you.
Allow them to make decisions & let them experience the outcome of their choices.
Know why they like playing the games they play. Show an interest - If they love football, learn the rules.
Ask if you can watch whatever they’re watching with them (while trying not to critique their choices!)
Get familiar with the music and artists they love.
Show them what it looks like to see the world from another's perspective.
Listen without interrupting.
Be firm and kind.
Give them responsibilities and opportunities to ‘contribute’ around the house.
Leave them a note telling them how much you love them.
When they choose the same story night after night, let them know, ‘I love this one too!’
Eat together as often as you can.
Teach them step by step to do things for themselves.
Be the house where your kids and their friends want to hang out.
Empathise with their experiences.
Take the time to notice and mention all the tiniest things they get right.
Have family meetings.
Slow down – make time to be present.
Tell them 10 things you love about who they are.
Welcome and embrace ALL their big emotions while keeping boundaries and setting limits.
Make their favourite food.
Make your family a shame-free zone.
Check your expectations continually.
Take the time to explain your decisions and choices, especially when they don’t like them.
Hug them often, or perhaps a pat on the shoulder for a teen.
Model healthy conflict resolution.
Apologise whenever you make a mistake and repair.
Show them how you step outside your comfort zone.
Tell them what qualities you love in them.
Embrace failure.
Use discipline to teach and commit to never using punishment or shame.
Meet them where they are, or at least part of the way there.
When they choose to share just as you’re about to go to sleep, listen and be thankful they’re talking.
Ask the uncomfortable questions when you're both in a good place, and remember, wouldn’t you rather know.
Smile.
Let them overhear you descriptively praising them to your Mum or your partner.
Put your phone away.
Be eternally curious about their internal world.
Ask their opinion.
Give them choices (that you can live with).
Remember, your child is having a problem, not being a problem.
Love them uniquely and unconditionally.
Model the values you'd like them to have.
Laugh together.

We all know that parenting is hard, and it seems especially difficult today. Despite the challenges, there is great hope when we remember that in order to thrive, our children need more than anything our reliable, non-judgmental parental presence and our unconditional love. A vital part of this presence is tuning into the little moments we have together. Thoughtful, tiny moments create successful, thriving, caring adults.

How to Reclaim Childhood for the Anxious Generation

Thu, 05 Feb 2026 18:43:17 GMT

The Anxious Generation: How to reclaim childhood

Yes, we should ban smartphone use for under 16's!

The evidence is only more compelling in its favour. Here we explain why and what we can all do about it.

Based on his extensive research, Jonathan Haidt’s hugely topical book ' The Anxious Generation' looks into the devastating mental health epidemic currently affecting our teens, which he explains via the twin dynamics of the adolescent adoption of smartphones and a shift away from the ‘play-based childhood’ that used to be the bedrock of healthy child development.

In this article for Talk Education, I delve into this theory and look at how parents and schools can help turn the tide, ensuring children are no longer over-protected in the real world and under-protected online.

Read on

Raising Girls: Self Esteem and the Curse of Perfectionism

Fri, 16 Jan 2026 00:00:00 GMT

How to bust the myth and encourage bravery, authenticity and happiness

Sitting down to write this article about girls and the curse of perfectionism, it dawned on me that I'm still battling my own perfectionist tendencies. I hesitated to get started because I was worried that I wouldn't get it just right. I became frustrated and cross with myself for obsessing over each sentence. I checked my phone countless times as that seemed easier than writing. Before I knew it, hours had passed as I stressed about how I was ever going to get it done and then whether it was even going to be any good!

The pressures for girls to be perfect permeate every aspect of their lives. Whether it's how they look online, their witty, artistic or clever presence on social media or gaining a string of A*’s, making the A team (and looking good doing it) or winning an arts scholarship - the pressure is ubiquitous and unrelenting. It's exhausting, and it's a HUGE issue.

Perfectionist tendencies are well-documented to be more prevalent in girls than in boys, and ther start early. Research by Girlguiding UK found that a quarter of seven-to 10-year-old girls felt the need to be perfect . It's also clear that the pressures continue in their later lives, as an internal survey of women working at Hewlett-Packard found women applied for a promotion only when they met 100% of the qualifications. Men applied when they met just 50% .

Perfectionist pressure, seeing anything other than perfection as failure, results in girls playing it safe, and it crushes risk-taking, creativity and ambition. The loss of self-belief that comes from falling short of unrealistic expectations can push girls into a vicious cycle where the anxiety around perfection hinders their willingness to try, to take risks or make decisions, then performance suffers and stress increases.

Rachel Simmons’ book The Curse of the Good Girl argues that in raising the ‘Good Girl ‘and urging her to be perfect we teach girls to embrace a compromised version of themselves. “Good girls who are expected to follow rules and appear perfect are taught to make little room for risk… They end up playing it safe, and it becomes a self-reinforcing habit: the more comfortable girls become with taking the easy road, the more terrifying failure will become…”

These girls who are afraid to take risks for fear of failure are, at a minimum, selling themselves short and in the extreme, are at risk of severe anxiety that can lead to mental health problems. Our aim should be to raise girls to be the most courageous, confident and authentic versions of themselves. So how can we help?

To accept less than perfection, these girls need to change their mindset. Instead of focusing on and worrying about the outcome, they need to relish the process and enjoy the journey, while accepting and embracing failure and recognizing that real learning comes from the struggle. Perhaps most importantly, they need the self-esteem to be able to tell themselves that less than perfect is ok, that they have done or are being their best.

The good news is that there is a growing focus on busting the myth of perfectionism. Educators in particular are increasingly vocal and point out that “striving” to be good erodes self-esteem or, at worst, self-respect is disproportionately dependent on striving and achievement.

As Tom Nehmy of The Healthy Minds Institute puts it: “We need to teach ourgirls the distinction between a healthy striving to achieve and an unhealthy perfectionism which is usually a self-imposed pursuit of unrealistic high standards”. Brave and resilient but not perfect.

Being brave means operating outside your comfort zone and being able to let go of perfection. “We want to teach our girls to be comfortable with imperfection” says Rashma Soujani, who set up the highly effective “Girls Who Code” programme in the US and is a champion of crushing the perfectionist myth. She argues that in teaching girls to code she has ‘socialised them to be brave’. Coding is an endless process of trial and error – it requires perseverance and imperfection. The girls gain competence and confidence, which in turn boosts their self-esteem.

Here are five ways we can help our girls :

1. Be a great listener : Help girls to unburden their fears, worries,s thoughts and ideas. Research confirms that naming and sharing emotions helps lower levels of cortisol, the stress hormone in our system. Naming the tough feeling is shown to be the first step in addressing the emotion and gaining some perspective. When we empathise without judgment or criticism, without trying to fix the problem, we create a safe place for our daughters to share. Show your daughter that they are loved and accepted for who they are right here and now. We can also help them work on their self-talk. Challenge their assumptions and teach them that they can retrain their thoughts to look at situations from a more realistic and helpful perspective.

2. Help girls learn to problem solve : Once we have listened with empathy, we can help them problem solve. First break goals down –when faced with a task that appears overwhelming, such as a pile of homework or joining a new activity, work with them to break it down into small manageable steps. Approaching challenges one step at a time builds confidence and helps them feel competent. Remind them that ajourney of 1000 miles starts with the first step. Slowly building competencies and feeling in control and successful is key to reducing anxiety and stress and builds self-esteem.

Problem-solving skills also teach resilience. Rather than offering solutions and fixing problems for them, we need to help our girls articulate and define the problem and then explore possible solutions. Feeling ownership of the solution is empowering. Over time, this problem-solving approach helps girls learn flexibility and builds resilience to the challenges that they encounter. They will have the bravery to take risks and try and fail if they feel competent in their ability to problem solve.

3. Make your family a shame-free zone . How we react to our children’s mistakes and struggles can contribute to how they feel about themselves. Are we unwittingly contributing to the embarrassment or shame the self-critical can feel over the smallestmistakes? Are we overinvesting in our children's success? Children take on our values when they see themin action. We can model learning from our mistakes. Walk the talk by showing them that what they put in is more important than the outcome. I am taking up French again, and it gives me ample opportunity to make mistakes and show the frustrations that come with improving or learning a new skill. I am also always 'misplacing' my car keys. Talk about your mistakes, how you coped and focus on the positive: there is always a silver lining. Importantly, show how you moved on and don’t revisit or dwell onthe mistake or failure. This teaches girls that they are not defined by their mistakes, and it is liberating.

4. Help them develop a Growth Mindset and see themselves as a work in progress. We can help them focus on the attitude, the effort, and the striving to do their best, rather than focusing on the achievement or outcome or indeed the performance of others. This is a growth mindset approach as developed by Carol Dweck of Stanford University. In Dweck’s studies, students are taught that the brain is a muscle that strengthens with use and that mistakes are a vital part of the learning process. Dweck found that trying to be perfect stops us from reaching our potential. How are they going to enjoy the struggle that is a key part of learning if they are not willing to be brave and take the risk? If we communicate and positively reinforce this growth mind-set skill by noticing and mentioning the struggle, the input and the effort, we can help reinforce this approach.

5. Help them understand the impact of social media. Girls are increasingly influenced by a bombardment of images and messages on social media - and the influence, amongst many other things, is to be perfect. We need to get involved in the conversation and work with our daughters to limit the time they spend on social media, keep an eye on what they are experiencing on-line and coach them to understand that what people do and say on line can be very false: it is a manifestation of what they think the world wants of them, what they want to portray which is often very different from reality. We should teach them how social media works - it is not a weakness on their part that they feel distracted or, in extreme cases, addicted to social media, but rather it is the design of the apps, the algorithms and the nature of the interaction that pulls them in and keeps them there. Awareness, limits and communication are the key. For much more on the mental health impact of screens, read this article on The Anxious Generation - and how to reclaim childhood.

The perfectionist is chasing the mirage – a far-off thing of beauty and of nourishment that, despite one’sefforts to reach it, remains elusive. Understanding the agony of perfectionism– striving for the perfect life, the perfect marks, the perfect relationships and looks helps us appreciate the importance of helping our daughters to develop a healthy mindset around their own self-worth and endeavour. We are not suggesting our girls shouldn’t strive to achieve their realistic goals. However, we want them to do so, believing that they are capable and good enough and that they should not define themselves by what they achieve but rather how they travel along the road to self-satisfaction, all the while knowing that they are loved and accepted for being brave, courageous, who they are and not perfect.

If you would like help your children avoid unhealthy perfectionism,

get in touch to work with me.

Here is my FREE download on Helping Families Thrive: Avoiding the Pitfalls of Perfectionism

Divorce: 5 steps to protect your children's emotional wellbeing

Fri, 09 Jan 2026 12:53:29 GMT

Children of divorce can thrive - with care, our presence and some hard work....

We know that no matter what their age, divorce is stressful for kids. Despite being overwhelmed with the emotions and practicalities of divorce, it's our responsibility to support, guide and nurture our children through the sometimes hard transition and change. It's also our responsibility to listen. So often, we don't include our children because we're emotionally overwhelmed ourselves, and we might find it hard to ask them how they're feeling and hear what they have to say.

I found it helpful to remember that with a lot of hard work, good self care including putting my own ego and emotions to one side, and with a firm gaze into the future, it's possible to come out the other side with a family that sets them up for a happy and healthy future - you may not be married but you are still a family after all.

In this article, I wrote for the Family Separation Support Hub , I give you five things that will help:

Read on, and please get in touch if I can help. Here is the link to book a free discovery call.

And remember, our kids don’t need perfection, they need a sometimes messy, real, thoughtful,

attentive and loving presence during this time of transition and change.

Co-Parenting: Successfully managing transitions and change

Tue, 21 Oct 2025 12:29:57 GMT

Setting up for success through all the transitions that are part of life in two homes.

We're all more comfortable with routine, predictability and habit than change . It’s how we’re wired. Routine and predictability feel safe and secure, and change takes energy, adjustment, and sometimes courage.

But life is full of transitions, whether kids are living in one home or two – transitioning from home to school, moving from playing to homework, getting off screens to come to the table, or transitioning to sleeping alone after a day full of connections. Transitions often involve moving from something that we are enjoying to something we must do. Not easy!

Some of us are temperamentally more adaptable than others. Think about your child and how stressful they find change. How our kids are wired is something that we look at in our course and it helps us to teach our children to play to their strengths and manage their weaknesses. If they find transitions hard, we need to be sensitive and give them extra support. No two children are the same, and siblings can experience change and transition very differently.

Let’s think about all the transitions that children of divorce experienc e. One of the most significant is moving between parents’ homes. Imagine for a moment that you have to move offices every couple of days with a whole new set-up and group of coworkers. Unsettling? Maybe. Annoying? Sometimes. Takes adjustment? Always. Children are being asked to adapt to a different environment, and some children, due to their temperament or stage of development, will find the process much harder than others. This 'transition' is often the only time kids see their parents together. The anticipation of how their parents will respond to each other may provoke other complicated emotions. We must reflect on how our behaviour might impact the transition for our child and what it might feel like to be them.

How can we help:

1. Avoid conflict - Do all you can to reduce any conflict between you and your co-parent. We know the experience of parental conflict - animosity between the two most important people in their lives - that can have a long-term detrimental impact on our children's health and wellbeing. Your kids are looking to you to do this part.

2. Be aware – Ask yourself how your child experiences transitions and change. All kids thrive on routine, predictability, and consistency, but some need it more than others and that's ok, it’s just part of who they are.

3. Plan – Set your child up to succeed. Have a chat through in a quiet, calm moment and talk through the practicalities and emotions around what they will need to do. How might they feel? Support them to do most of the talking, and it might sound like this:

“ Tomorrow you’re off to your home with Mummy. It’s Wednesday, and what do you always do on Wednesdays? That’s right, you’ll go swimming after school. Do you need to remember to take anything? You already thought of that, you are on top of things! I hope you have a good time, and I am looking forward to our Saturday morning hot chocolate when I see you.” or

‘ When we get home, what are you going to do first? Ah, yes, we always have a snack first. What will you choose? And what’s next? Homework before screens sounds great. How will you know when it’s time to get off before dinner? Do you think that might feel hard? How can I help? ‘

Preparing ahead helps set things up so they are more likely to go well. When things go well, our kids feel successful and are better able to weather the setbacks and challenges. Remember that we're coaching and training our kids to manage transition and change. One of my children knows she needs to be organised, or she can feel anxious and overwhelmed with the transitions between her two homes and school and activities. It’s something we've been working on for years, and she now understands what she needs to do to feel comfortable and thrive – one step at a time.

3. Focus on the things your children get right and you’ll see more of the behaviour you're looking for. It's our natural parental instinct to notice or focus on all the things our kids don't get quite right. Our hearts are usually in the right place as we point out how they can improve or do things differently. We do know that when we instead look for and acknowledge ALL the tiny things our children do right, we not only SEE more of them, but as our children feel acknowledged, worthy and successful, we get more of those behaviours we are looking for!

We call this specific praise 'Descriptive Praise', and you’ll learn more about it in our course. Focusing and pointing out all the things our kids get right is positive, motivational and has the power to improve behaviour and, most importantly, deepen our connection. This is such an important tool when we're managing the emotional and physical upheaval of divorce. But we need to train ourselves as we're conditioned to focus on the negative:

‘ Wow, you came the first time I asked you this evening. ‘

‘I can see that you planned out what you needed to take so that you were prepared. That is really sensible. ‘

‘You didn’t get upset when I forgot to tell you we were leaving soon. That shows real flexibility and consideration. I am really sorry, and I appreciate how understanding you've been.’

Getting curious about how your child experiences the many transitions in life is just one way we can work to meet their needs. Transitions are often hot spots in families, especially for those separating or with two homes. It is worth taking the time to help your kids manage these transitions, which in turn builds their resilience and your connection.

Co-parenting: You can't look after your kids if your tank is empty

Wed, 24 Sep 2025 11:19:19 GMT

5 ways you can look after yourself

Divorce is tough. Between looking after your children, managing the relationship with your co-parent and the practicalities of separation, it can feel as though there’s no time or emotional space left to care for yourself. With divorce, the overwhelm is real and looking after yourself isn’t selfish; it’s essential. It's only when you refill your own cup that you can be the reliable presence with the energy, empathy and compassion to help your family thrive.

5 ways to look after yourself:

1. Practice self-compassion. Divorce and separation are hard, very hard. The process and transition are physically and emotionally exhausting. We often underestimate how much our divorce can impact our self-confidence and

self-esteem at a time when our kids need our strength and our presence. It takes courage to be honest with yourself

about how you’re feeling, but it’s a vital first step to healing. Treat yourself with kindness, compassion and acceptance.

2. Get help : Divorcing parents need help. We need an empathetic, non-judgmental, and understanding listener to help us recognise, process, and manage our experience and to be our sounding board. It could be a good friend, a therapist, a divorce coach, a support group, or our family who keep us on the right track and heading in the right direction. Find a positive influence who will sit beside you and help you create the physical and emotional capacity to give your kids what they need.

3. Allow yourself to grieve : We all need to process the sadness and loss that comes with the end of

our marriage. Each of us has a unique experience of divorce, and we all grieve in different ways. You may feel angry

and then a desperate sadness that is triggered by seemingly small and unrelated things. You may feel despair and grief when you’re without your children during the transition to life in two homes. It’s completely normal to feel dismay, anger, sadness, and perhaps guilt. Recognising and accepting these big feelings and the need to grieve is the first step in moving forward.

4. Let go of parenting perfection : We all want to be good parents. Sometimes we put pressure on ourselves to be perfect, and if there is one time to let go of perfection, this is it. Just as we’re grieving, our kids will be experiencing their own grief. Depending on their age, they're likely to communicate their feelings through their behaviour. If we can dig deep and try not to take it personally, we’ll be in a much better place to put ourselves in their shoes and meet them with empathy and understanding. When life feels chaotic, our children need consistency, predictability, reliability, respectful boundaries and love. Good enough is perfect, and as Maya Angelou said:

‘Do the best you can until you know better, then when you know better, do better.’

5. Find healthy coping mechanisms:

Fill your cup by finding ways to reduce stress and build your resilience. There are the vital basics of good nutrition, sleep, exercise and time in fresh air. If you're struggling to meet these needs, please seek help. Self-care helps us regulate our emotions, which in turn helps reduce conflict and improve our connection with our children. You might take a 10-minute break to breathe and practice mindfulness or commit to a walk with a friend once a week.

Finding ways to keep co-parenting communication positive, respectful, and child-focused not only reduces stress but also helps your children feel secure. Learning to pause, breathe and reflect before responding or using a co-parenting app such as My Family Wizard to keep communication organised, factual and focused on the children can be helpful.

Our children need us to be reliable, calm and emotionally present, and if we’re running on empty, that's tough . Taking care of ourselves is the first step to giving our children the care they need for our family to thrive.

If you'd like support and effective practical tools to help you support your family through your divorce, then please get in touch ,

Co-Parenting: the first question you should ask yourself

Wed, 24 Sep 2025 11:03:37 GMT

What do you want your children to say about your divorce in 10 years time?

Parenting through divorce is always emotional and can be extremely challenging . Our biggest worry is how we can protect, support and help our children during the inevitable family transformation and change.

Despite our best intentions, when we're feeling emotionally and practically overwhelmed, it's hard to focus in on and keep the needs of our children at the heart of the process.

What our children need and how our divorce impacts them depends upon many things, including their age, stage of development, their temperament and our relationship, both with them and importantly with our co-parent.

We know that divorce impacts our children's health and wellbeing and it's been shown that two very important things make a difference to how children fare: the depth of connection that a child has with each parent, when it's safe to do so, and the level of parental conflict they experience. It's not the divorce that is so damaging to children; it's the conflict that they witness and experience before, during and after separation, as well as the depth of their relationships, that can have a lasting impact on their mental health and well-being.

It's important to remember that divorce is a process, not an event, and it's the end of a marriage, not a family. We know that it’s normal for children to take up to two years to transition and adjust. What can we do to meet our kids with the empathy, consistency, connection and security they need?

We can start by thinking about what it feels like to be them . What does your separation and divorce look and feel like through their eyes? What are their wants and needs during this difficult transition? Sometimes we get caught up in the ground swell of the emotional and practical process. I know I spent weeks upset and stressed and buried in my office, going through paperwork and trying to make sense of it all. If this is the case for you, I really recommend taking a deep breath, stepping back, and asking yourself these two questions:

1. How would I like our kids to talk about their experience of our separation and divorce in 5, 10 or even 20 years?

2. How would I like their relationship to be with their other parent and me?

We are more likely to get closer to our vision of the future if we work hard to put the needs of our children first throughout the process and in the months and years to come.

Their needs include understanding, respect, empathy, predictability, reliability and unconditional love in a family, which helps them make sense of it all and honours where they came from and who they are.

They want parents who understand that they need to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. They want to feel part of a family that can celebrate milestones together, be in the same space for their children ( when its safe to do so) and be prepared to put their own egos aside as they put their children first.

I have learned many things through my experience, some the hard way. I know that with determination, care, understanding, curiosity, and a focus on connection, both parents can emerge from divorce with a deeper, more profound relationship with their children, setting them up for a happy and healthy future.

The process is hard, however, and we all need help. I am here to support you as you transition to your new role as a co-parent, with all the emotional and practical responsibilities that come with it. As a divorced Mum with 3 children, a parenting educator and a co-parenting specialist, we'll work through practical and evidence-based skills and strategies to help you rebuild your confidence and help your family thrive.

3 things we can do to help our children build resilience and self-awareness

Sun, 09 Feb 2025 20:41:37 GMT

Could curiosity be your parenting super power?

This is an article I've written for Talk Education in support of the 'Know yourself, Grow yourself' theme of Place2Be's Children's Mental Health Week.

The latest research tells us that one in five children and young people have a probable mental health condition and that 50 percent of all mental health conditions develop before the age of 14.

Early intervention is so important if we're to improve and reverse this devastating trend. Place2Be is a pioneer in early intervention with it's successful work in schools and as parents and caregivers we have our own important role to play.

When children feel listened to, supported and understood by a reliable presence in their lives they're more likely to develop the self awareness to tune into how they're feeling, express their emotions and explore coping strategies that feel comfortable for them.

In this article I share three strategies that parents can use to help build our children's self-awareness and our relationship :

1. Emotion Coaching to help chil dren understand and manage feelings.

2. Curiosity for self discovery and growth

3. Connection to build strong and supportive relationships.

Let's start with why curiosity is your parenting superpower:

Curiosity reminds us to slow down and listen

Curiosity helps us dig a little deeper and learn how our children experience the world

Curiosity is the first step towards empathy

Curiosity helps us become a pro at asking open ended questions

Curiosity provides a tiny moment that reflects our genuine interest, building trust and connection

Curiosity helps us remember that resilience looks different for each of us.

Curiosity teaches that mistakes are learning opportunities

Curiosity models for our children self-reflection, problem solving and empathy.

Curious? Read on for the lots of practical ideas to build you child's self-awareness and trust.

Why understanding temperament is key to improving your child's behaviour

Wed, 11 Dec 2024 11:58:51 GMT

Understanding temperament is a game changer in parenting

What is temperament and why is it important to our parenting journey?

Each one of us experiences the world differently. Have you ever wondered WHY your child reacts or responds in a certain way? Why do they find certain situations more challenging than others and HOW could you help them while teaching them to manage and regulate their emotions ?

An important step in helping them build the emotional resilience we all need to successfully handle the ups and downs that life throws at us is to get curious about how they experience and see the world. We do this not to try and change who they are but rather to help us reframe how we see them, build compassion and help them work with who they are rather than be limited by it. Our curiosity builds the connection with our children that helps us coach and guide them to understand their own temperament, make the most of it and thrive.

Temperament is a set of innate traits that organises how we all approach to the world. These traits are instrumental in the development of our distinct personality along with cultural influences and life experience. Research supports the idea that temperament reflects individual differences and has genetic, biological and neurological underpinnings. We can see our children’s temperament very early on and although it stays relatively stable it can be modified and adapted through age, experience and our parenting - which is why parenting as well as family, school and community environments are so important.

Temperament is a child's emotional and behavioural style of responding to the world. Researchers have found that we each have a unique temperament, which is influenced by nine traits: activity, regularity, initial reaction, adaptability, intensity, mood, distractibility, persistence-attention span, and sensory threshold. I add sociability.

Temperament is never ‘good’ or ‘bad’. We all fall somewhere on a scale for different traits for example intensity, sensitivity or energy. It may well be hard to believe when our kids are young that some of the same traits that challenge our parenting go on to be highly valued in adults such as independence, persistence, intensity or curiosity. It's our job to identify, understand and accept each child’s unique qualities to help children optimise their strengths and minimize their weaknesses - all with the aim of building self-awareness and self-esteem.

If we ignore the way our children are wired, we might find ourselves swimming upstream.

In my work, I use the framework provided by Dr Stella Chess and Dr Alexander Thomas whose research in the early 1950’s identified these nine categories. It can be extremely helpful to uncover your child’s innate temperament to explain their reactions and behaviours. It's then how we help our children manage their temperament that will determine whether these traits are perceived by them as being a bad or good thing.

Here are some examples of what children need to hear from us, to understand and learn to work with their temperamental traits:

A child with low adaptability might need to hear “I can see you taking your time and thinking this through. That is a good plan as you like to know what is happening and what to expect” rather than “oh come on you will be fine”. or ' You like to get the lay of the land before you jump in. That's really sensible. How can we help you feel comfortable?'

A sensitive child should hear “you’re getting upset because you’ve had busy day and you are sensitive so it makes you make you feel funny and you get tired easily. Let’s go home and have some calm and quiet time.” instead of ‘I am sure you are just tired. I think you are being a bit over sensitive.” or " I know these socks really bother you. Can you find some others in your drawer that you can put out for tomorrow? Then you know you're all set. '

An intense child could hear “I can see that really made you cross. Things can be really frustrating for you when they don’t go right the first time. I get that. ' The aim is to frame our observations and feedback to them positively. As we help them appreciate, understand and manage their own temperaments we help them build self confidence and self-esteem.

Understanding our children’s temperament and thinking about our own is vital in helping us to have realistic expectations about our children. We want to continually reality check our expectations and set our children up for success as well as respond appropriately and calmly when they're in a state of internal distress. When we appreciate why our persistent child finds it hard to let go, we can be more compassionate and focus, when we're all calm, on helping them learn strategies to manage rather than just getting frustrated and cross in the moment.

An important temperamental trait and perhaps one that we think is easily recognisable is sociability – whether your child is an extrovert or an introvert and it is worth a word especially in the context of busy school and family life. The distinction is usually referred to as shy versus outgoing. But, it has to do with how these two types of temperament derive their energy - how they recharge. An introvert needs downtime to recharge. An extrovert is energized by people. Sometimes we mistake shyness and social anxiety for an introverted temperament with a need for quiet time and solitude. On the face of it school, where our children spend most of their day, is for extroverts and for introverts school can be quite overwhelming. These children often don’t know how or where to slowdown and find some peace. Introverted children are often completely depleted of energy after a school day. They can 'take out' their emotional overwhelm in the safe place that is home, and on us. What they need from us is understanding, compassion, empathy and validation of the their big feelings and a space and time to recharge.

An intense, sensitive, reactive, persistent, glass half full, child will also need a lot of support to manage their temperament. My eldest son is an intense, persistent, sensitive, introvert with dyslexia that was initially undiagnosed. He is a wonderful adult but he found lots of experiences difficult and school was tough. For him, the classroom and the social side of things were challenging and very rarely he let out his frustrations on his classmates and got into trouble but usually he let it all out within the safety of his home. He was what we call a strong-willed child and the struggles initially reduced his self-esteem and caused more poor behaviour. I had my eyes opened early on when I was reminded ‘just think how hard school is for him every single day!' What a revelation to try and understand HOW he experienced the world in detail as I had thought that he was just naughty. Putting aside how I thought he ' should' be along with all my preconceived ideas, judgements and expectations was the beginning of a new journey.

Understanding temperament helps us reframe how we see our children. Instead of the stubborn one, the naughty one or the shy one, we can see them as persistent, intense or introverted. It allows us to meet them where they are, offering personalized strategies that foster self-awareness, resilience, and healthy emotional habits WHILE improving their behaviour. By working with their natural tendencies, we empower them to manage and regulate their emotions in a healthy and appropriate way which in turn builds our connection, their resilience and their self esteem.

Co-parenting: Guiding your children through grief

Mon, 25 Nov 2024 12:11:54 GMT

3 strategies to help your children process their grief

Separation and divorce is a process of huge transition and change and it's also a loss - the loss of the family unit as it was. Whether or not there was adversity and conflict, whether it was a complete surprise or something everyone sensed was coming, we all need to grieve the loss and adjust and adapt to the new family set up.

Just as we may go through the grief process as we mourn the end of our marriage, our kids likely will too. During my divorce and the months afterward, I watched as each of my children grieved in different ways and at different times. This makes sense as grief is an emotional process and its intensity, duration and expression will be unique to each of us. It was hard to see my children suffer and grieve but once I understood what to look for, I learned a lot about each of them and what they needed from me.

The developmental stage and temperament of each of your kids will impact how they process the divorce and their grief. There is a more in-depth look at this in my divorce and separation course.

Understanding the five stages of grief as defined by Elizabeth Kubler Ross and what it might look and sound like will help you keep alert to what your children may be thinking and feeling. Here are some examples of what you might hear for each stage:

Denial : ‘This can’t be happening. I’m so sad, but I’m sure they won’t be apart for long. I won’t tell anyone or talk about it. I'll keep it all inside and it might just go away.’ ' I am sure Mum will be home soon.'

Anger : ‘This is all your fault! How can you mess up my life like this?!' 'I'm so angry, I must have done or said something wrong and I've made it worse. I’m so scared.’

Bargaining : ‘I’m going to be really really good and maybe they'll decide to get back together.' 'If misbehave and don't listen or do anything right, they’ll give me all their attention and will forget about their split’.

Sadness : ‘I keep crying for no reason. I feel so lonely, hopeless and sad. I’m not sure that anyone understands. I miss living in the same house all together.'

Acceptance : ‘They’re not getting back together. I get that now. I’m really sad and it still hurts but I am getting used to it now – most of the time.’

Each of us grieves in our own way. This is shown as a linear process but we may dip in and out or skip a step. One of your children may be angry for some time, get into uncharacteristic trouble at school or tell you in words and through their behaviour exactly what they think. Another child may seem ok on the surface, but the sadness comes gushing out in tears at a seemingly unrelated event.

Thinking about what it feels like to be them, knowing that our children’s behaviour is sending us a message about their feelings and their needs, we’re in a much better place to tune in and respond.

Here are a few things that you can do:

1. Teach them about the stages of grief

A divorce is a profound loss and it’s natural for us all to grieve. Talking about and naming emotions helps normalise the feelings for our kids. We want to send the message that ALL emotions are acceptable and ok even if they feel hard. Big feelings can be really scary and we want our children to know they're not alone. They may never have experienced the loss of a loved one or a beloved pet and these feelings might be new to them. It helps to explain feelings as waves, some recede and reappear, others roll out to sea.

You might say:

‘You may not understand why you feel so sad. I get that and it’s part of your grieving. None of this is your fault. We are still a family and we both love you very much.’

If you’re worried that your child is stuck in one of these stages and it’s interfering with their ability to lead a normal life, please do seek professional help.

2. Welcome the tough emotions

Our kids need to know that we won’t shy away from their big emotions, that we are a safe harbour, and that we will always accept and respect their feelings calmly and without judgment.

CS Lewis said, ‘No one told me that grief felt so much like fear.’ For many kids the process of divorce, of family change, and adjustment is fearful. We want them to bring these big feelings to us. You might respond like this:

‘Wow, for you to speak to me like that shows me just how upset you are. It’s normal to feel angry and afraid. This is not something that you chose and it’s so tough. I get that and I am here to help and listen.’

3. Teach and model coping strategies

Through all these emotions our children need to find healthy ways to cope – we all need healthy coping strategies. Noticing, acknowledging, and expressing our feelings is a vital step to regulating our emotions and our kids learn this from us.

Talk to your kids, even at a young age about coping strategies when they feel anxious or overwhelmed by big emotions. Remind them that when their body feels anxious it's their brain reacting to a perceived threat and trying to keep them safe, but our brains sometimes overreact. For more on helping kids with anxiety read my article .

One of my favourite coping strategies is teaching kids to breathe. Taking deep slow breaths activates the parasympathetic nervous system which sends the message to our brain that we are safe while sending more oxygen to the thinking brain so we can start to think more clearly. Try showing your kids box breathing – lie together on their bed and close your eyes and practice breathing in for 4, hold your breath for 4, breathe out for 4, and repeat this a few times. Remind them that they can do this anywhere or anytime.

There is much more detail on all these helpful strategies in my one on one work and in my course . Please do get in touch to find out more.

Tuning into how each of our kids experience grief, helping them understand that all feelings are normal, being there as their safe haven, and teaching them that they can cope, are all important ways to support them on this challenging journey.

Are screens a hot spot in your family?

Tue, 10 Sep 2024 21:22:33 GMT

How to set screen limits while strengthening your connection with your kids.

Are screens a real hot spot in your family?

Does just the sight of your kids gaming, scrolling (again!), or fighting over the Ipad make your heartbeat faster, and your adrenaline surge? Do you feel as though you’re always nagging and then end up shouting or saying things you later regret just to get your children’s attention AND get them off their screens?

Do you worry that screens have made family life more complicated, less enjoyable and that your kids are not only missing out on a childhood with more play and freedom but that screens are making them less happy too? Has the discussion about the impact of a ‘wired ‘childhood with less play and its negative effect on our children’s mental health and well-being caught your attention? Perhaps you'd love a way back to a simpler, calmer, more harmonious home?

You're not alone.

Most parents find managing screens a huge challenge. There are so many positive things that technology brings but we’re beginning to understand that its effect on the malleable developing brain is not all good. There is huge important work being done by Jonathan Haid t, Jean Twenge and others to bring our attention to the correlation they see between early smart phone adoption, social media usage, less free independent play and deteriorating teen mental health. More and more schools are going phone free, and parents are urged to work together to find a healthy approach to their children’s digital lives. We each feel we should each have a choice but being the only parent who delays giving their child a smart phone is a tough decision. It’s important that we work together.

Screen usage has always needed limits and boundaries.

We know that the strength of social media algorithms, gaming design and the attention grabbing set up of so many apps is a hard enough for adults to resist and for our children with their still developing impulse and self-control its next to impossible. With thoughtful preparation and a consistent confident approach, its vital that we help our children develop a responsible relationship with their digital devices and tech, regain the relationships that so often loose out to screens and find balance and harmony.

Try this three-step approach to managing screens:

1. Think about your values :

It’s our values that help us define our approach and help us set our family rules around screens. Each family will differ but getting clear on your values such as the importance of family time, sleep and fresh air, respect and interest in others will guide you to set appropriate, respectful and authentic limits and boundaries.

Here’s an example of how our values might be are reflected in our approach to screens:

We know that unplugged screen-free family time is important especially dinners, outings, chatting time, bedtime.
We respect each other and take an interest in what we each love about screens whether its TikTok, gaming, sports or online bridge. We are not anti-internet we are pro age appropriate usage.
We believe that screens make up just one part of a balanced healthy life.
We recognise the importance of sleep.
Screens are a privilege and with that comes responsibility.
We know that screens are especially hard for tweens and teens to manage. They need our help and guidance.
We value everyone's input, but we know it's our responsibility to model and instil healthy habits and to set effective limits.

Why do we do this? Because getting clear on our values and goals gives us clarity, direction, and confidence.

2. Rules without relationship lead to rebellion :

Before we talk about setting rules and limits, and we know kids need respectful limits to feel secure and to help them get into good habits, let’s remember that we don’t want to parent from a list of rules. We need to take responsibility and keep working hard on all the daily interactions that build our relationship . It’s the compassion, understanding, respect, and emotional support and connection that our kids feel that helps them be open to our guidance and influence.

Focusing on precious time together, taking a genuine interest in their passions including what they love about screens while being clear and upfront about our concerns, validating their feelings, trying to understand what it feels like to be them, pointing out all the things they get right and staying calm are just some of the things that build vital connection.

3. Setting limits around screens :

Involve your kids – A unilateral process doesn't work. Instead approach it as a broad discussion of screens. Have a chat when you’re all relaxed and not in the heat of the moment. Help them think through how they experience screens, what do they love, what draws them in and what keeps them there? What might feel uncomfortable and how does it feel when they’ve been on for a long time? Talk about what we're missing out on when we're buried in a screen. As author and paediatric psychologist Tina Payne Bryson suggests, think and talk to your kids about what they’re NOT doing when they’re on screens as well as what they’re consuming when they are. She suggests that when kids are online, they’re missing out on time for reflection, being bored, face to face relationships and certain creative outlets. There are lots of great things about technology and connection on screens, but the research reinforces that it’s our repeated in person relational experiences that have the MOST important impact on well-being and healthy development.

Listen - Really listen so your kids feel heard and understood. We don’t need to agree but we need to try and get it. We want to be an active listener which means we're curious, we don't interrupt, and we repeat back what we’ve heard to make sure we've understood. You might say: 'So let me make sure I get it. You're playing more Fortnite again rather than Fifa as the new season graphics are insane and all your friends are playing. I can see that can be tough to leave.'

Explain your values, and your concerns, and respectfully remind them of your role to help them get into healthy habits - this is sometimes hard! It might sound like this: 'We’ve read lots of research and it's clear that we all need balance which includes sleep and doing things that support our physical and mental health. Your brain is particularly sensitive at your age. We’re worried that too much time on screens interferes with these things. We're going to help us all find a bit more balance."

Acknowledge and validate their EMOTIONS – Setting limits on screen use can be an emotional process. The pull our kids feel to be on screens, not only to have fun but to feel validated, included and involved is real and phenomenal. Focus on feelings first: 'You probably feel that you're the only one who doesn't have their phone in their room at night. You might feel you'll miss out on stuff. That can feel stressful.' ‘This switch to having no phones at school feels really hard. It makes the time at home when you might be online even more important. That’s tough.’

Agree on the rules and the limits - these reflect your values. The most effective way to instil these values in our kids is through modelling. Ask yourself: how is my approach to screens? We also use respectful limits and boundaries, always beginning and ending with empathy. You might say: 'We know this is hard. We're going to start with one area which is the evening. We know that getting enough sleep is vital and the research supports putting phones away and out of the bedroom at least an hour before sleep. You're really good at putting your phone away during homework even though we know that can feel hard too.' Get their input. Rather than immediately putting new rules in place, give them some time and if they can't agree then empathise. 'We're going to start this next Monday, and we'll check back in together on Saturday morning to see how things are going.'

Agree on the rewards and consequences upfront:

Rewards can help instil good habits that are challenging to adopt. Over time as your kids’ habits become their own values you won’t need to rely on rewards. The first and MOST important reward will always be descriptive praise which might sound like this: 'You should be really proud of yourself for getting off the first time I asked you. I know how hard it is for you, and I appreciate that we didn't get into an argument.' ‘Where does your phone need to be before you sit down for supper? It’s still a bit new and I appreciate that you remembered to put it on the windowsill.'

Consequences: Agree what will happen if they aren’t able to keep to the limit in advance. No surprises. When agreeing a consequence, involve the kids and ask yourself if it's reasonable, relevant, and timely? So often our kids come up with more draconian consequences for themselves than we do. Try: ' What do you think the consequence should be for not handing your phone at the time we agreed?' 'Great. We’ve agreed that when you put your phone on charge on time in the kitchen at night, then you'll have it in the morning to check stuff for 15 minutes before you go to school. If you find it too hard, then you won't have your time until after school.' Agree it and write it down on a whiteboard so everyone can see it.

Embrace non-screen activities. Change can be hard, especially when it comes to screens. Support your kids as much as you can to find balance with unplugged activities, interests, relationships and fun.

Acknowledge the tiniest steps in the right direction and empathise with how hard it is to make changes. Keep checking back in and discuss how things are going. This is not a one-off conversation. Be adaptive and flexible if appropriate and where it makes sense, adjusting to ages and stages, and always keeping your values in mind.

Finally, here are some examples of family rules. Notice that they're positive - rather than ‘NO phones at the table’, try ‘all phones on charge or in the basket at supper’. Your own rules will reflect your values and your unique family:

Phones on the charging table during meals.
Gaming only in the kitchen.
Phones and iPads in another room during homework (differentiate between different types of screen time e.g. are they doing homework or something creative vs. scrolling through TikTok (which is a downtime activity)).
Screens off 1 hour before bedtime as the research is clear that they interfere with a good night's sleep. (The blue light interrupts our sleep rhythms AND the activity stimulates the brain - for all of us!)
Headphones off in the car for short journeys.
Family screen-free fun at weekends - chosen by kids.
Retain balance - sleep, physical exercise, fresh air, work, family and relationships, and some screens.

Managing screens and screen limits is hard . We are understanding more and more about how the technology interacts with the developing teen brain and our hard work is important. You're not alone, this is tough stuff!

We don't know what's around the corner in our complicated and rapidly changing digital world. We don't know what new game, app or technology will appear and transform our lives, but we do know that as momentum builds to protect our children from negative impacts of a life lived online, sticking to our family values, being consistent, thoughtful and confident will give our kids the best preparation possible to forge a healthy, balanced and successful path.

How to make cooperation a habit

Tue, 25 Jun 2024 11:49:51 GMT

5 simple to follow strategies

Getting our children to listen (at all – forget about the first time) is one of the most frustrating parts of parenting.

The seemingly simple requests to come to supper, pick up their towel, go to bed, feed the cat are ignored as if we’ve asked in a new unintelligible language.

So, we nag, cajole, repeat, and perhaps even end up shouting as our words go unheard and unheeded. Our adrenaline builds as we remind ourselves that we are only trying to do our job – teach our children good habits, keep them safe and just get stuff done.

Deep down we know that the shouting and nagging aren’t going to change habits and that these reactions are not helpful in building warm, respectful, and connected relationships with our kids. Yet it’s all we can come up with in the moment and so often we’re left feeling guilty and disappointed in ourselves.

There must be a better way… and there is!

It starts with where we put our attention and what words we use.

What we chose to notice and what we chose to say have the power to positively transform our kids’ motivation to cooperate while improving our relationship.

We all fall into the habit of giving our children attention by pointing out the things they get wrong while we’re trying to help them get things right. So, it’s not at all surprising that they then get used to seeking our attention (which is what they’re after) through repeating their mistakes.

What happens instead if we notice and point out all the things, they get right?

Well, our kids then start trying to get our attention with the behaviour we’re looking for, and as we give it, they feel good about themselves, they feel worthy and valued, the good behaviour continues – they cooperate – and they feel better about us too!

We all point out our kids’ mistakes to help them improve, to teach them, help them avoid upsets or to ‘remind’ them for the umpteenth time how to get stuff right. We have the best of intentions when we say:

‘Pick up your towel that’s on the floor’,

‘You need to eat your peas,’

‘You spelt that word wrong’.

‘I’ve told you six times to get off that screen. You’ll be tired in the morning’.

‘Hang up that coat!!’

Unfortunately, all our kids hear through our nagging or raised voice is criticism, judgment, blame or worse – shame. They feel they never get anything right, and they simply stop trying.

Research shows that kids hear 432 negatives to 32 positive comments every day . That is 13 times more! It may not always be harsh criticism but if they’re met at every turn with advice (however well-meaning), attempts to fix, improve, or change, their self-esteem is likely to take a knocking and so does their motivation to cooperate . And perhaps worse of all, our relationship suffers, and they’re less likely to feel warmth and safety. They’re less likely to share their problems, seek advice and open themselves up to learning through collaborative, supportive problem-solving. We need to build them up rather than wear them down. `

Here are five strategies that help motivate our children into good behaviours while building their self-esteem as we stay connected, calm, and remain compassionately and confidently in charge:

1. Notice and mention ALL the things they get right.

Children are more resilient, they behave better and develop a strong feeling of self-worth when they hear they are getting things right, that we approve and when they know exactly what behaviour is expected. We call this ‘Descriptive Praise’. Children are wired to seek our attention and our approval although it may not always feel like it! When we give positive attention for positive behaviour, we get more of what we’re after. It might sound like this:

‘You remembered to empty the dishwasher before making lunch.’

‘You spelt 5 out of 6 words correctly in that sentence. That’s a super improvement. Can the find the one that needs your help?’’

‘You’ve put all your laundry in the basket. Where does that basket need to go now?’

‘You started putting that Lego back even before I asked you. That is being really helpful.”

2. Empathize.

Our kids need to feel validated, heard and understood. So often our children find it difficult to cooperate and do the right thing because they’re flooded with big emotions. When our kids know that we want to understand the big feelings behind their behaviour and we can help them normalize these feelings, it builds safety, security and trust.

Their behaviour is a form of communication, and validating feelings is an important part of helping our kids process and manage big emotions rather than feeling overwhelmed by them. It’s our job to help them get back to a calm place and so they can start to problem solve. It might sound like this:

‘I’m wondering whether you spoke to me like that because you’re feeling so frustrated with all this homework. It’s tough moving up a year and sometimes you might feel it’s all too much.’

‘It’s hard when your sister has a birthday party and gets all the attention… and the presents. Your birthday feels so far away!’

3. Use Intentional Language. 

We are our word. We can avoid nagging and repeating if we use confident but respectful and positive statements and stay away from requests: No repeating, pleading, or bribing but respectfully stating the facts with the understanding that your child can and will do what you have asked. Starting with descriptive praise and empathising with how hard it might be will help:

‘It’s time for your bath’.

‘The dishwasher needs emptying’.

‘Teeth brushed and then the story that you chose’.

4. Give choices (that you can live with). 

A lack of cooperation is often the behaviour that we see when our kids feel they have no control. No one likes to feel powerless. Giving choices builds confidence and gives children an empowering feeling of responsibility. It helps our kids feel valued which builds self-esteem:

‘When you’ve finished your worksheet, you can both decide whether we have our snacks here or as a picnic under the tent in the playroom’.

‘When we get upstairs and you’re ready would you rather have your story before, in or after the bath!?’

‘Tomorrow for breakfast would you like porridge with honey or toast with that yummy jam. You can choose’.

‘I don’t mind when you tidy your room. We decided that it would be any time before Friday pizza night, didn’t we?’

5. Use ‘I’ rather than ‘You’ statements. 

This non-directive technique can help keep us confidently in charge rather than tipping over into exerting control. When we feel controlled, we get defensive or resentful and much less motivated to cooperate. Rather than ‘you didn’t text me to tell me you were going to be late’ try ‘I felt worried when you didn’t text me to tell me you would be late.’ Or ‘I’m worried that we won’t have time for a story tonight if you don’t get in the bath now. Which one were we going to read?”

We have the choice of what we notice and how we respond to our kids. When we can shift our focus to pointing out all the things our children get right, when we show that we’re listening and trying to understanding their big feelings, when we respectfully engage them by giving them choices and remain confidently expectant of their success, we are building their self-esteem, motivation, and a desire to cooperate. Give it a try.

If you would like a FULL toolbox of practical skills and strategies to help you parent calmly, effectively, and confidently, get in touch and I would love to help.

This article was written by Heather Rutherford, a parenting expert for Careering into Motherhood . Heather empowers parents to approach the inevitable juggle of family life with confidence, calm, compassion and consistency to raise happy resilient kids.

Read more of Heather’s articles or get in touch via her profile page .

Parenting through divorce: How to help your child navigate anxiety and stress

Wed, 01 May 2024 15:00:07 GMT

It’s completely natural for the children of divorcing parents to feel anxious- here's how you we can help.

I had a great conversation with the wonderful team at Family Mediation and Mentoring about how we can support parents as they do the difficult work of guiding their children through their divorce.

As experienced mediators, Claire and Rachael are experts at helping parents dial down the conflict and focus in on what really matters - the well being of their children. We are passionate about a child centred approach to divorce and the co-parenting that will be form part of their lives as they move forward.

Divorce is stressful for kids, all kids. It’s a crisis in a family and it’s not at all surprising that it causes deep emotional reactions including anxiety. Here are my thoughts on how we can help:

It’s completely natural for the children of divorcing parents to feel anxious. Divorce is a process of huge family adjustment and change which is unfortunately so often accompanied by conflict. Uncertainty with the need to transition and change can be unsettling for even the most resilient child. For children who are more temperamentally disposed to feel worried or anxious, or for those who are already struggling, the process of divorce may exacerbate these feelings. For other children the change in the dynamics of their relationships, the practical adjustments such as getting used to two homes or the conflict they witness may cause them to feel fearful, anxious, and worried.

Please read on

Co-Parenting: 10 Things I Learned from my Separation and Divorce

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Thu, 11 Apr 2024 09:20:48 GMT

The dos and don'ts of Parenting through Divorce

I never imagined that I would be in the almost 50% of us who end up getting divorced. I certainly didn’t walk down the aisle or have three amazing children with the man I loved, expecting to become a statistic.

We may not have wanted to be here, but here we are and for most of us our biggest worry is how our divorce will impact our children. We know that no matter their age, divorce is always stressful and can feel devastating for kids.

The latest research tells us that it’s normal for children to take up to two years to transition and adjust. The research also reinforces what we intrinsically know, that it’s not the divorce that damages children but the level of conflict that they experience before, during, and after. The higher the levels of parental acrimony and conflict, the harder it is for children and teens to adjust and the longer the ripple effects continue with negative impacts on mental health and wellbeing. Remembering that divorce is an ongoing process rather than an event and continually working hard, really hard, to reduce conflict has many long term benefits ( Reference ).

We also know that kids who maintain a deep connection with both parents fare much better. Children need to feel safe, connected, secure, and heard. They need to feel that they are still at the centre of the family, that the divorce was not their fault, and that their family lives on. Divorce ends a marriage, not a family.

I’ve learned many things through my experience, some of them the hard way. I know that with determination, self-discipline, compassion, understanding, and curiosity, both parents can emerge from divorce with a deeper, more profound relationship with their children that sets them all up for a happy and healthy future.

There are tools that we can use and things we can do that help us tune in deeply to our children, be effective listeners, and help our kids talk, be heard, and feel safe. We can learn to have compassion for ourselves so that we can be present and available and we can do the hard work to put our pride and ego aside for the benefit of our children.

Our goal is to help each child process and make sense of the change, manage the transition in their family, adjust, and thrive.

Here are just a few of the things that I have learned:

1. Begin with the End in Mind.

Caught up in the stressful process of divorce, overwhelmed with emotion, and concerned for our kids, it’s hard to see beyond where we are right now. Stepping back and thinking about the future helps us guide our response to the inevitable stress and potential conflict.

Try asking yourself these two questions:

1. How would I like our kids to talk about their experience of our separation and divorce in 5 or 10 - or 20 years’ time?

2. How would I like their relationship to be with me and with their other parent?

We’re more likely to get closer to our vision of the future if we work hard to put the needs of our children first throughout the process and in the months and years to come. Their needs include honesty, respect, empathy, consistency, predictability, and unconditional love in a family which honours where they came from and who they are. They want parents who put their need to feel part of a family at the centre, who can celebrate milestones together, who can be in the same space, and who remain, open minded and flexible as they put their children first.

2. Look after yourself.

It’s hard (practically impossible) for us be emotionally present for our kids if we’re in emotional turmoil. Separating or divorcing is usually traumatic and you’re likely to feel overwhelmed with big feelings - sadness, anger, fear, guilt, denial, exhaustion. We can’t be the calm, empathetic presence, able to give the emotional support our children need while modelling how to cope, if we are overwhelmed ourselves.

Divorcing parents need help. We need an empathetic non-judgemental and understanding listener to help us recognise, process, and manage these big emotions in a healthy way. We may need a good friend, a counsellor, a divorce coach, a support group, or our family to keep us on the right track and help us to keep the end in mind. Find a positive influence, someone to be your Emotion Coach and pull you up and help you find the emotional capacity to give your kids what they need.

I found that feeling listened too, which included some venting, I was in a better place to find healthy coping strategies that I could model to my kids. Breathing, exercise, consistent routines, self-care, love and laughter are all vital to help us reduce stress levels, have access to our rationale brain to make better decisions, and get some rest.

Be kind to yourself and accept that this is hard, very hard. You want to protect your children and you may be feeling lots of things including guilt that you have let them down. They don’t need a perfect you, they need a real but calm you who can admit when they've messed up and who they can look to for consistency, support, love, and guidance.

3. Know that each child will grieve differently.

The age, stage of development and the temperament of each child plays a huge part in how each child experiences divorce. Our children’s behaviour is sending a message about their needs and how they feel. Kids say that divorce, even for those ‘expecting it’, is a shock. The inevitable feelings of loss and grief will come out in very different ways and at different times. It’s normal for our kids to experience different stages of grief and you may see:

Denial : ” This can’t be happening. I’m so sad, but I’m sure they won’t be apart for long.”

Anger : “This is all your fault! How can you mess up my life like this!" or "Maybe I did something to make it worse? I’m confused and worried.”

Bargaining: ”I’m going to be really good and maybe they'll decide to get back together.” or " if I misbehave, then they might get distracted from their divorce."

Sadness : “I feel so lonely and sad. I’m not sure anyone understands.”

Acceptance : "They’re not getting back together. I get that. I was really sad, but I am getting used to it now – most of the time."

Feelings come like waves. Some retreat and others come again. Knowing this we can be alert to the message that their behaviour may be sending, the need that is not being met or the emotion that feels overwhelming. We can't fix the feeling or take it away but we can help kids to understand that these feelings are normal and understandable and support them by listening, empathising and being present. If your child is stuck, especially in sadness, or you notice that they're retreating from things and activities they used to enjoy, they may need professional help.

4.. Emotion Coaching is KEY.

Listening, trying to understand, validating, and giving voice to emotions helps kids process and find healthy ways to cope.

Real empathy means listening without judgement (or interrupting!) to try and understand what it feels like to be them.

Emotion Coaching is about listening more and talking less – always hard for parents.

“I can see that you hate having to get organised to have things in two places. You don’t like that. Am I right? “

“Sometimes emotions get all bottled up inside and come out as tears when we feel stress or are triggered with sadness (like crying uncontrollably in a film). It’s good it’s coming out. That’s also so tough, isn’t it?"

“I imagine that is really painful when you feel you're not being heard. “

“I’m wondering if you’re thinking ‘why would they do this if they knew it would be hard for me?'. It makes you feel angry. Could that be right?’

“You’re worried that you have your own things you want to do such as trips or getting a job and then you feel pressured to spend equal time between us in different places. I want to hear what you feel you need."

“It’s not ideal or healthy that we can’t talk to each other. Parents need to be able to talk to each other for your well-being. This is so tough, and I imagine hard to understand."

“You feel that you have enough on and that you should not have to be the go between us. I get that.”

“When you are with Daddy, you miss Mummy. And when you are with Mummy, especially when you are having a tough day, you miss Daddy. That is so hard.”

We need to be the safe space where all feelings, no matter how uncomfortable or painful, can be given a voice and shared. It's hard to be that space especially when we're used to fixing problems, offering solutions, or perhaps not even going there as we don’t want our kids to hurt, be stressed, or experience pain. Divorce is a loss. Kids will feel hurt, stressed, and sad. Feeling comforted, understood, and acknowledging the emotion is the first step to moving forward.

5. Keep working on the connection.

We know that the strength of the relationship and connection between each parent and each child helps mitigate the impact of divorce, helps kids manage the change, and builds resilience. Being an emotion coach builds connection as does the safety and security of feeling our presence in their lives.

We want to put connection at the front and centre of all we do. Kids want to feel connected to each of us and to their family. Divorce ends a marriage not a family.

When someone asks a child:

‘ So tell me about your family?"

They might say:

“Well I have a mum and a dad; they are divorced so I have two homes. I have a sister and a brother and our dog, Molly, who lives at my dad’s, and our cat Fred, who lives at my mum’s.”

Kids need to feel connection and belonging in both their homes. We want to keep searching for ways to connect, to carve out special time together and search for windows into their world. When the door is just slightly ajar, slip in in the way that is appropriate for each child - talking, doing, or just being.

Consistency of relationship and connection and the story that we tell sends the vital message that the family has changed but has not ended.

6. Keep your dignity.

We are our children’s role model, their teacher, and their coach. They look to us to see how we manage, respond, and cope. Divorce is a painful and sometimes combative process and it’s all too easy for this to spill over into our communication with our kids.

We don’t want (ever) to say anything derogatory about their other parent. Children see themselves as part Mum and part Dad and putting down their other parent can feel as though we're criticising them. It lowers our kids’ self-esteem, at a time when it's naturally more fragile, it impacts their respect for us and it’s just not kind.

Keeping our dignity means that we only share what is appropriate with our kids. We communicate directly with our co- parent, not through the kids. Ask yourself what your kids need to hear? We want to give our children the age-appropriate facts that enable them to make sense of their story, but they don't need to know all the detail and they're certainly not a shoulder to cry on, we want to save that for our support network. Remember your kids will be looking back on your divorce, what would you like them to say?

7. Circle the wagons.

Pull together and enlist help to protect and keep that light burning at the centre for your children. If your kids have adults in their lives who they like and trust, get their help. In my family, this has been godparents, older cousins, aunts, uncles, teachers, and friends. When these wonderful people ask - can I help? say “yes!"

These people have been a presence in our children’s lives, invaluable in helping kids to know there that they are unconditionally loved, safe and are part of a something greater. They can provide consistency, be a sounding board, a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with and a safe place in a storm.

8. Be the constant in your kid’s lives.

Hard as it sometimes, be there. Be present. Try as much as you can to set up two homes where real life takes place – fun, homework, discipline, family gatherings, boredom, friends – normal real life stuff. It's not a place just for special occasions or where you try to ‘make it up to them’ with extravagant gestures. This isn’t real. Sort it with your co-parent, no matter how hard that is, and leave the kids to be kids. Our children crave secure, safe, loving, and comfortable homes as they adjust to their new life. Be yourself and enjoy them.

And finally,

9. Our kids don’t need perfection, they need our sometimes messy, real, consistent and loving presence.

10. This too will pass.

Co-Parenting: How to show up for your child

Thu, 21 Mar 2024 12:01:44 GMT

How your parental presence can help your children thrive

I had a great conversation with the wonderful divorce and breakup coach Claire Macklin about the effect divorce may have on children.

For many of her clients how their children will fair is their biggest worry as they guide their families through a very challenging time. They want to spare their children from the fall out of a marriage breakdown while retaining a loving, close relationship as they navigate this significant life transition.

I share my advice which is based on the excellent research of Dr Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. I focus on the steps you can take and the things you need to do your best to avoid in order to build a secure relationship with your children and enable them to thrive, both through your divorce and beyond. It's hard work but it's worth it.

For more support please do get in touch and I would be delighted to help.

How to help your child feel heard

Tue, 13 Feb 2024 11:40:22 GMT

5 steps to support your child's mental and help them feel heard

'My voice matters' is the theme of Place2Be's 2024 Children's Mental Health Week. It's an opportunity to shine a light on the things that children and young people say they want and need from parents and caregivers to support their mental health and to think about how we can meet their needs.

Children want to know that its OK to talk to us about all and any of their feelings, that we will listen without judgement and without trying to fix or take the feelings away. They need us to acknowledge their emotions and sometimes to know that they aren't ready to talk and that's ok.

What can we do to to listen, put our own agenda and feelings aside as we tune into and embrace the ways that our children choose to express themselves? How can we empower them to use their voices in support of their own mental health?

Read on for a step by step guide and a tool kit of positive parenting skills that will help your child feel heard

Four Steps to a Calmer Evening with your Kids

Sun, 04 Feb 2024 18:13:22 GMT

Take these practical steps to improve cooperation, connection and calm

You know the scenario.

You’re exhausted from work; your children are tired from school or nursery, and it takes only the tiniest thing for the wheels to come flying off the bus.

We’ve all been there.

When we fall into a pattern these hotspots can become habits that replay night after night.

Whether it’s music practice, homework, supper, time to relax and play or going to bed, we each have our own expectations and our own agendas.

So often we anticipate how things are going to unfold before our children cross the threshold and our kids pick up on our mood and anticipate our reaction. Before you know it, our expectations become our reality.

So how do we change the music? It starts with changing the channel.

Here's how:

Read on

Co-Parenting: Helping children to safely navigate worry and anxiety

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Thu, 01 Feb 2024 14:44:09 GMT

Supporting your children through transition and change

Divorce is stressful for children, all children. It’s a crisis in a family and therefore not at all surprising that it causes deep emotional reactions from our children, including anxiety.

It’s completely natural for the children of divorcing parents to feel anxious. Divorce is a process of huge family adjustment which is unfortunately so often accompanied by conflict. Uncertainty can be unsettling for even the most resilient child. For children who are more temperamentally disposed to feel worried or anxious, or for those who are already struggling, the process of divorce may only exacerbate these feelings. For other children the change in the dynamics of their relationships, the practical adjustments such moving between homes or the conflict they witness may cause them to feel fearful, anxious, and worried.

Anxiety is a normal human response that is there to protect us and keep us safe from threats. When our body perceives danger our primitive brain, our amygdala, takes charge with a fight, flight, or freeze response. The danger could be to a charging tiger but could equally be a ‘dangerous’ situation such as a new experience, an important change, or a big exam. Our bodies respond instinctively and as our nervous system reacts, we feel the adrenaline surge giving us a boost of energy, our heart beats faster and we breathe quicker and are more alert. This all serves a purpose and is useful when we need to flee from danger or rise to a challenge. Healthy anxiety comes and does its job then recedes, like a wave hitting the shore. As the body is not designed to be on continual high alert, anxiety can become unhealthy when it’s prolonged or consistent.

It’s entirely understandable that children would feel scared when their parents’ divorce and this fear and worry can show up as anxiety. It’s also understandable that children witnessing sustained conflict between their parents may have a heightened fear, whether logical or not, of abandonment.

How do we spot anxiety and what can we do to help?

· Reduce conflict This must be at the top of the list. The latest research on the impact of divorce on children tells us that it’s normal for children to take up to two years to transition and adjust. The research reinforces what we intrinsically know that it’s not the divorce that damages children but the level of conflict they experience before, during and after. The higher the levels of parental acrimony and conflict, the harder it is for children and teens to adjust and the longer the ripple effects continue with negative impacts on mental health and wellbeing. Remembering that divorce is an ongoing process rather than an event and continually working hard to reduce the conflict is the most important thing parents can do to help their children build resilience against mental health problems, including the negative impacts of persistent anxiety. ( Reference )

· Recognise the signs You are the expert on your child. We all display our anxiety in different ways that reflect our temperament, stage of development and the intensity of our feelings. Tuning in deeply and consistently to our children is the best way to pick up on any signs that they are struggling – it may be a change in their behaviour, tummy aches, avoiding things, worry and catastrophising, crying or clinginess. Typical worries or anxieties come and go, and they may be more prevalent during family turmoil, but more serious forms of anxiety stay around, get in the way of our kids living a normal life and, in these circumstances, we should seek help.

· Explain and reassure Share with your child how anxiety works. Explain, age appropriately, how it’s a completely normal human response that’s designed to keep us safe. It can feel very uncomfortable and sometimes it takes over when it doesn’t need to.

Feeling anxious at certain times is a normal healthy part of life. The first day at a new school when you panic that you won’t find a friend. The fear that you will forget everything in an exam or the worry about trying new things. When our body senses a threat, it jumps into action. We might feel butterflies in our tummy, our heart beating faster, our breath quickening as we get ready to fight, fight or flee. We’ve all felt this. Remind them that it’s helpful when we must run from danger, or indeed when we’re stimulated for a big test, but our primitive brain can do its job too well and too often.

Our ability to ride the wave of anxiety, reassuring ourselves that we are safe, is a key part of resilience. Reassure them that it’s normal that a child experiencing family breakup, change and perhaps conflict might find their mind on high alert. When our body is triggered our emotional brain takes over and our thinking brain goes offline, and we might feel like our brain is in a fog or we are overwhelmed with ‘what if’ thinking. We can work with our children to help them find calming coping strategies and above all to help them feel safe. The more we practice, the more our brain wires itself to respond with resilience.

· Help them feel safe The most powerful thing that we can do to help our kids manage anxious thoughts and worries is to help them feel safe. Overwhelmed with big feelings, our kids often feel scared, worried, and alone. Recognising that anxiety is an emotional response reminds us that no amount of rational reassurance will work until they are reconnected, calm and feel safe. Our co-regulating presence provides the feeling of safety and security that all children need to learn to self-regulate and build resilience themselves. It’s about modelling a calm response to worry perhaps by getting down on their level, with a soft voice and a soft expression. It’s about talking less and sending the message with your presence that ‘I am here. You are safe, seen, and secure. We’ve got this and you are not alone.”

· Be an Emotion Coach Listening, trying to understand, validating, and giving voice to emotions helps kids get back to a calm space, start to process their feelings and find healthy ways to cope. It’s what Dr Dan Siegel calls’ name it to tame it ” and it’s a way of making sense of our feelings. We can teach our kids to do this by modelling it ourselves. When we notice our children overwhelmed with big feelings, simply naming how we think they might feel, with no judgment or attempt to explain or rationalise helps them calm down. It might sound like this: “I’m wondering if you’re feeling a bit anxious and unsettled inside about what all this means for you. I can understand that” or ‘When you are with Daddy, you miss Mummy. And when you are with Mummy, especially when you are having a tough day, you miss Daddy. That is so hard.” Giving voice to difficult feelings doesn’t highlight or exacerbate them, but rather helps normalises them, helps us feel validated and heard which helps us calm down and is the first step in helping kids learn to cope.

· Teach coping and calming strategies Talk often and openly and model coping strategies and help your kids explore what works for them. Breathe work such as box breathing is one of the most effective coping tools and can be taught to children at any age but there are many others. A recent survey of children and young adults suffering with anxiety and depression conducted by the Anna Freud Centre shows that their favourite calming techniques were listening to music, watching a film, or reading, talking someone they know and trusted, having a cry or laughter. Talk to your children about what helps them cope. An important approach to anxiety is to be brave and take small steps towards or through it. Our brains learn from experience and avoidance may seem comfortable, but it can feed the anxiety as we lose confidence in our ability to cope. Show your child that you believe in their ability to cope and work with them to practice one small brave step at a time.

· Keep life as predictable as possible . Children thrive when they feel safe and secure. This is especially true for children who are temperamentally less adaptable or flexible. During family separation and divorce routines, schedules, living arrangements and ways of communicating are sure to change. Working hard with your co – parent to keep your children’s routines predictable, keep your child informed and involved and where appropriate give them a say are crucial to avoiding unnecessary stress and anxiety. Keep thinking, what does my child need, and how can we meet those needs and how can we help them feel understood and heard?

Divorce is a challenging and sometimes devastating process. We want to remember that in order to be present and meet our children’s needs for safety, understanding, validation and security, we need to learn to manage our own stresses and worries. Divorcing parents need help and support and it really is a case of putting on our own oxygen mask first before we help those who are relying upon and need us. Children pick up on the anxiety that we feel. Along with reducing conflict, our own well-being is vital to support and help our children manage theirs.

Why is parenting so hard?

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Wed, 17 Jan 2024 14:28:47 GMT

Progress and Potential: How to be the parent you want to be

I had always wanted a family. I thought I would be an amazing Mum. I remembered my own Mum as warm, wonderful, funny, and caring and I was sure that I would instinctively and intuitively know how and what to do.

I imagined as well that, having been successful in whatever I put my mind to, I would have no problem happily balancing my high-octane career with small children.

Wow was I in for a shock. I had 3 children in 4 years. You may be thinking ‘therein lies the problem!” but for me it wasn’t the quantity of children but rather my expectations of what motherhood would feel like that hit me for six.

Until I had children, my success had so often come from grit and sheer hard work. I was the one who would stay at the office until I felt I had done more than enough. In my summer jobs selling books door to door, I worked 80 hours a week, yes in my summer holiday, so that I was at the top of the leader board. I did my MBA part time while working full time at a large bank, maintaining some semblance of a social life, and still getting to the gym. There wasn’t anything I couldn’t do if I put my back into it. But parenting doesn’t work that way.

Not only did I find being a Mum physically exhausting, but it was an emotional roller coaster. I felt feelings that I had never experienced before. On down days it could be despair, resentment, humiliation, and guilt and on up days it was pure love, elation, triumph, and pride.

But the up days were overwhelmed by the down days, and I felt I wasn’t getting anything right. I made the choice after my third baby to leave my full-time, full-on career. I had asked for a part time role but that wasn’t forthcoming, so I quit.

The end of my 20-year full time career didn’t mean the end of the emotional roller coaster. I had left my successful job where on most days I felt smart, accomplished, and intellectually engaged to be at home with three small sometimes challenging children and feeling often completely and utterly exhausted and overwhelmed.

Thankfully for my family, because let’s face it until I was thriving neither would they, I attended a parenting talk at my children’s school. That evening I realised that I wasn’t alone. The challenges being described were mine. The emotions and frustrations were mine too. That evening's revelation was that I could learn a new approach; try new strategies and take a long hard look at the thoughts I had about parenting. I had the potential to change my parenting story.

It has taken hard work, training, and lots of mistakes to uncover the parent in me that feels comfortable, calm, genuine and true. Here are 4 things I’ve learned along the way:

1. We need to get curious about our expectations.

What is it that so often drives our reactive response to our children’s behaviour? Unrealistic expectations.

Perhaps it was my own childhood or the story I’ve told myself about the parent I would be that leads me to expect that my child ‘should’ be, do or respond in a certain way. When our child falls short of our expectation, our response is usually driven by our deep-set feelings and fears. In the gap between expectations and reality lies disappointment.

The first thing to do is breathe then ask yourself whether your expectation is realistic. For example, is it reasonable to expect my intense, persistent, sensitive son to move easily through his day, transitioning between endless activities without pushing back, holding his ground or his exhaustion coming out in his behaviour? Probably not.

Because I have spent time tuning into how my unique children experience the world, thought about their stage of development and checked my expectations, I can calmly take the time to set things up so that my son is more likely to feel seen, soothed, and successful.

2. We need to examine our feeling of guilt.

One of the words used most by my coaching clients, especially working parents, is guilt.

In Brene Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart, she describes guilt as ‘the discomfort we feel (so it’s an emotion) when we evaluate what we’ve done or failed to do against our values. It can drive positive change and behaviour.”

Rather than be seen as a negative emotion to be smothered, guilt can drive positive change. Once we recognize and acknowledge the guilt, we can examine which of our values is unmet and decide how we’re going to make a change.

Changes are about making progress and should be small. My guilt is about not spending enough quality time with my kids. Parental presence is a value for me. Research reinforces that just 5 minutes of frequent one-on-one time with each child has the power to reinforce our connection and improve their behaviour. Sounds like a good place to start.

3. We should evaluate our perfectionist tendencies.

I am a recovering perfectionist and found the parenting juggle almost crippling at times. I was caught up in rigid thinking and a barrage of ‘I should…’ self-talk: 'I should be able to manage my kids, behaviour.’ ‘I should be able to make homemade meals and 3 Book Day costumes' etc.

I now work on two things:

I check my internal soundtrack. I remind myself that my inner voice is there to protect me, but it can also overreact and make me jump to conclusions, set unrealistic standards, blow things out of proportion, and get in the way of being capable, brave and compassionate.

I have made my home a shame free zone. I try and model how I deal with my own mistakes by showing vulnerability, honesty, understanding and by focussing on the learning.

Kids don’t want perfection. Kids want us, our presence, our time, and our connection.

4. Try and practice Self-compassion.

Parenting is hard. Yes, it’s physically exhausting but it’s emotionally and mentally challenging too. Perhaps for the first time in our lives we're wholly responsible for the upbringing of another human being. That's huge. We usually take on this vital role with little training, qualifications or education, yet we feel guilty, frustrated or humiliated when we don’t instinctively know how to manage the tantrums, the misbehaviours, and the overwhelm.

We also wonder how this little human can elicit such huge emotional responses. Once we recognise that this little part of us is bringing up our own childhood and things about ourself that we might be working on or have pushed to one side , we can start to learn and grow and offer ourselves some compassion.

And let’s not underestimate the impact of a child on your relationship with your co- parent with their own history, emotions, and expectations. Your relationship may need to adapt and change as you work out how to care together for your child.

Self-compassion is about acknowledging the scope and scale of the challenge that is parenting. Check your self-talk. Are you being kind to yourself rather than judgemental? Share your thoughts, feelings and challenges with trusted family and friends. Take a moment every day to acknowledge the hard work, the progress and growth and the learning that goes into being a parent. Self-compassion is about embracing good enough and that is all our children need.

Finding that parent we want to be is about progress and potential – one step at a time.

For more information or help, please get in touch

Encouraging Cooperation and Confidence through the right kind of praise

Tue, 31 Oct 2023 15:32:59 GMT

A small change to where we put our attention can make a big change in our relationship with our child

I used to think that I was great at praising my kids. I was forever throwing out a ‘clever you’, ‘good boy’ or ‘that’s amazing.’

I was on the right track as praise and acknowledgement are important not only to build our children’s sense of self, reinforce appropriate behaviours and nurture a positive relationship and praise helps to counter the huge number of criticisms, corrections, or negative comments our children hear and experience every day. Incredibly the average child hears 432 negative comments or words per day and only 32 positive ones. It’s easy for us all to continually but unwittingly criticise: ‘No, you can’t’. ‘Get your feet (or the dog) off the sofa.:’, ‘Hurry up or we’ll be late again’.’ Can you please get off that screen? ‘

This was the soundtrack of our home, and it still is with the dog and the sofa.

We all know praise is important but interestingly not all praise is the same.

Rather than evaluatively praising with the' clever boy, good girl, amazing you ' comments, we want instead to descriptively praise our children. This acknowledgement and attention is a micro-moment that packs a big punch.

Why doesn't evaluative praise work? Evaluative praise doesn't get the effect we're hoping for because our kids often don’t believe us when we call them clever, awesome or talented. Used over and over again, our superlatives lose credibility and our children don't feel that our easily tossed phrases show any real interest. Evaluative praise also isn't specific enough meaning that it doesn’t give our child the information they need to repeat the behaviour we’re looking for and its outcome or results focused. It's where we put our attention that our children will read as being important and when we repeatedly ask first "Did you win the match? what did you get on the test? who got picked first?" , they're read that as the goal.

Descriptive praise by contrast is detailed, honest, and process-focused and lets our child know exactly the values and behaviour that we’re looking for. It encourages cooperation and builds confidence.

What does descriptive praise sound like and why does it work? Here are a few examples:

1. ‘ You put the dishes in the dishwasher after you rinsed them.’ ‘You remembered to put your bag by the door ready for the morning and with your trainers. That’s a great way to get prepared.’ ‘You put your phone down as we are talking. I appreciate that ‘

Notice that we’re focusing on all the small things they get right, rather than one of the 432 things that are going wrong. We're giving them positive attention and our approval, its feels good and we're helping them feel motivated to repeat the behaviour.

2. ‘You’ve done up all your buttons on your own this morning. That took concentration! ’ ‘You’ve put the duvet back on the bed” ( try not to look at the rest of the mess in the room!) ”’ You guys are putting the Lego back in the box together. That’s teamwork!” ‘You’re at the desk and you look ready to start your homework without me nagging you! Great independence.’

Here we're noticing and mentioning the small steps in the right direction and the quality or value shown by their behaviour. Our children take on board that they're organised, kind, independent, capable etc.

3. ‘You tried that again after you made a mistake. That shows determination.’ ‘That was a tough conversation, and you should feel proud of yourself as it must have felt uncomfortable.’ ‘Even though you won, you were all really gracious to the other team. That’s great sportsmanship'.

We acknowledge that effort, the attitude, and the strategies our kids are using which sends a clear message that these are things that matter.

This way of speaking can sound foreign, unnatural, and strange at first to both you and your children, especially if you, like me, had your default set to point out all the things they got wrong and nag them. They’ll get used to it and they'll respond positively. They might not tell you but they’ll be motivated by the detailed attention to all the small things they get right and it will gradually change your relationship, improve their behaviour, and generally make your home feel calmer.

Start small and try to consciously point out three good things your children have done today. Tell them or tell your partner when they’re within earshot or write it down, text your older children or read it to your child before they go to sleep. Give it a try and see how the atmosphere shifts.

How to help your teen get enough sleep

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Wed, 25 Oct 2023 09:50:33 GMT

Is your teen overtired?

Would you love your teen or preteen to get more sleep?

We know it's important for our kids to get enough sleep. Lack of sleep affects our teens mood , their ability to think, concentrate and function, and can lead to risky behaviours and poor decision making.

But it's a tough one. Few teens get sufficient sleep and staying up late is a hard habit to break. I know my kids often don't get enough sleep and we have constant conversations about devices, the need for all of us to be intentional about switching off and the importance of self-care, which should always be top of our lists.

Helping our kids adopt good sleep habits starts with open, non-judgmental conversations. Teens are developmentally striving for autonomy and independence, their devices are an integral part of their lives AND their sleep patterns are changing. With all this in mind, talking about sleep is about helping them learn to make informed choices, and take responsibility for their well-being, especially around screens, while contributing to setting some family limits and routines around bedtime and sleep. Sleep is vital for their physical and mental health so we want to do all we can to help them get into good habits while they still go to sleep before we do and they're still under our roof.

Try this approach :

1. Empathise – "I know you love staying up late and I know you use your phone to relax at night. I’m worried that you’re not getting enough sleep. It’s especially hard but important at your age.'

2. Share the benefits of sleep and chat about other positives always in a relaxed rather than a nagging or preachy way :
· Sleep boosts memory and cognitive activity and helps concentration and problem-solving.
· Adequate sleep contributes to our mood and outlook – It’s really important to our mental health. The world looks better and we’re generally nicer to be around with enough sleep ( I know I am) .
· Good sleep strengthens the immune system and our metabolism.
· Sleep supports growth and development.

3. Make getting enough sleep relatable to their interests and passions – whether it’s their sport, artistic, academic, or social activity – or perhaps all of them. Chat about how sleep contributes to them achieving their goals and how they feel when they don’t get enough sleep.

4. Talk about sleep and screens. It's one of the hardest things to manage given the presence and pull of screens but it’s an important part of learning to look after themselves, with our help. Getting off screens one hour before bed and ideally keeping them out of bedrooms helps us all sleep (blue light interrupts natural sleep rhythms and stimulation makes it hard for the brain to switch off). For younger teens talk about the more recent evidence linking mental health struggles and screens. Read on recent article on 'Reclaiming Childhood' . Lack of sleep is one of the contributing factors.

5. Empathise some more – ‘This is one of the hardest things for teens. There's always something to look at and you might feel you're missing out on things when you don’t have your phone next to your pillow. That’s tough.'

6. Work together to set appropriate bedtime and morning routines that work for them and help them take responsibility. It might include getting the morning organised the night before ( lunch, clothes etc.) so they can sleep to the last minute. Keeping devices out of the bedroom at a set time, the wifi going off for everyone, and devices available in the morning when the evening routine has been followed (for everyone). Perhaps you start slowly and agree that they can keep using their phone to listen to music to fall asleep and but put it on sleep mode and turn off all notifications. Take one step at a time and keep talking.

7. Lead by example - Put your phone outside your room. Model a consistent healthy sleep schedule as well as sharing when you find it tough.

8. Offer empathy and support . Even for teens, we each have different sleep needs, but we do know that with so many distractions, many of our teens are just not getting enough good sleep and they need our support. For those who have chronic sleep deprivation, it’s important to see your GP or seek professional help.

How to raise a giver

Tue, 26 Sep 2023 10:36:09 GMT

"How can I help?" - the key to raising a child that gives

I love podcasts and I often listen when I’m in the car or walking the dogs. I enjoy a wide range of things, from The Rest is History, Rich Roll and seemingly like everyone else, Stephen Bartlett. One I really enjoy is ‘ In Good Company’ with Nicolai Tangen. I came across Nicolai during my many years in finance. He was always razor sharp, curious and insightful. He went on to become the CEO of the world’s largest investor, the Norwegian Sovereign Fund, and I became a parenting coach. We’re both doing things we love.

On his podcast he interviews leaders from the companies his fund owns as well as other thought leaders. This week he interviewed organisational psychologist Adam Grant. In addition to chatting about what work might look like in the future, Nicolai asked Adam what new chapters he would choose to add to his 2013 book Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success and his answer was ‘How to raise a giver.’ Clearly this piqued my interest!

A little background, Adam’s premise is that people in an organisation fit into one of three reciprocity styles. Givers ask, ‘what can I do for you?’. Takers ask ‘what can you do for me? And Matchers say, ‘I’ll do something for you if you do something for me.’ Grant argues that of the three styles, surprisingly, his research shows that givers are usually the most successful. Their success comes from a combination of things including being great at building supportive networks through sharing their knowledge, mentoring, and inspiring others and having a sense of inspired purpose. The caveat is that givers can also be underperforms when they suffer from burnout and a lack of boundaries – think of a doormat.

As he explains, out of curiosity and as a parent, he wanted to know how we can teach our kids to be generous and raise givers. His findings are unsurprisingly reflective of our positive parenting approach and our continued focus on where we put our attention and the words that we use with our kids.

1. Our words have great power. He cites a Harvard University study which shows that if you ask parents what they want for their kids, they say that above all else they want their kids to be caring and happy. If, however you ask the kids what they think their parents want, the kids say that their parents want them to be successful and high achievers. Why is that?

2. It’s where we put our empathise and attention that our kids feel is important . The reason for the disconnect is that parents have conversations with their children much more often about success than they do about generosity and kindness. How many times do we ask our kids when they come home from school “what did you get on the test?” or ‘how many goals did you score?’ These are achievement questions. When we focus on achievement or accomplishments, our kids get the clear message that this is our sole definition of success. What can we do instead?

3. Who did you help this week? Asking this question when you’re together sends a clear signal to our kids that we care about their kindness and values not just their accomplishments. Grant also adds another question in to his family’s weekly dinner conversation which is ‘who has helped you this week?’. He points out that this focuses their attention on those around them who are givers, those kind kids who may not be in the traditionally popular set.

4. The importance of boundaries . What turns givers in to people pleasers, pushovers or burn outs? It’s a lack of boundaries and self-awareness. Teaching our kids about setting boundaries helps protect them from becoming people pleasers but also helps them avoid overwhelm and being so busy helping others that they forget to look after themselves.

5. Modelling being a self-compassionate Giver is, in my view, the most powerful way to help kids take on these values. In addition to the message of generosity and giving, a home where setting personal boundaries is modelled daily and respected, and as Grant says ‘help seeking is the norm’, where asking for help is embraced rather than a sign of weakness, is a powerful place to start.

Connection is vital for our children's health and welbeing

Fri, 01 Sep 2023 14:47:52 GMT

Connection needs to be the heart of our parenting

The deep connection that children feel with their parents or caregivers lays the foundation for their healthy development and builds cooperation, self-esteem, emotional intelligence and resilience, as well as giving us joy.

Connection is about tuning in to and meeting our children’s need to feel safe, secure and seen. When our kids feel that deep consistent, unwavering connection, the feelings of belonging and acceptance build the self-worth and confidence they need to learn and grow, as well as rise to challenges and recover from setbacks.

When our kids feel deeply connected, everything – whether it's developing trust, setting boundaries, teaching good habits, passing on our family values or just enjoying each other – feels and works better. Connection helps us all learn to be vulnerable, to show emotion, to make mistakes and then say sorry and make amends. Connection provides the glue that binds us through the inevitable ups and downs of family life.

Read my full article for Talk Education and learn five things that we can do to make connection a central part of our family lives.

Why its important to prepare for exam A Level and GCSE results day and how to do it.

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Tue, 08 Aug 2023 15:52:43 GMT

With post pandemic adjustments, 2023 exam season looks to be a tough one

Next week will be a milestone for many of our teens as exam results come out. OFQUAL has reiterated that GCSE and A level results are returning to pre-pandemic standards with protection built into the grading process to recognise the disruption that students have faced.

Following years of disruption and with the added uncertainty about how this 'return to pre-pandemic standards' will work, it's hard to know what results will bring. Uncertainty can feel stressful and uncomfortable.

In any year, but especially this one, it's important that we take the time to prepare our teens, and ourselves.
In this week's article for schools advisory service Talk Education , I discuss that with any milestone – whether it’s a celebration or a setback – the emotional and practical preparation through good communication, compassionate listening and focusing on what we can control gives us an opportunity to support our kids while strengthening our relationship.

We wish you all the best for results week!

Read on HERE

How to help your daughter with friendship flare-ups and build courage and confidence

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Wed, 26 Apr 2023 23:00:00 GMT

My young teen daughter was really upset as she was sure that her good friend didn't like her any more.

This friend had made a mean comment about her shirt in front of a group of their other friends. She felt left out, humiliated and a bit angry. Friendship was the bedrock of her life which meant that this situation was not just stressful, it was a crisis!

This is completely understandable as Steve Biddulph points out in Raising Girls that for our daughters, ‘friendships are like the oxygen they breathe’.

I listened, agreeing that it's painful when you feel excluded and on the fringe of a group. I remember skipping lunch at school rather than having to face the humiliation of not being invited to sit with the girls I wanted to be my friends. We talked about friendship and revisited the conversation that we have often about what she values in a good friend. I asked her what she felt she could do about it. She said that this friendship was too important and that she would talk to friend. I had a moment of panic. How would she know what to say? How would she find the courage?

We know that girls are often not skilled at starting tough conversations and they are even less practiced at responding effectively to inevitable friendship conflict. Their instinct can be to avoid the confrontation, pretend it didn't t happen or they can become completely overwhelmed. The hesitation or avoidance to have tough talks means that they miss out on the opportunity to learn how to hold the honest conversations that are crucial to healthy relationships. They also don’t learn to stand up for themselves, to protect their personal boundaries. As Rachael Simmons explains in her book, The Curse of the Good Girl , “what they learn in their relationships often becomes the template for their public and professional habits”.

Here are four things that we can do to help our girl, age appropriately, to approach natural and normal friendship upheavals with courage and confidence:

1. Encourage her to acknowledge her own emotions

Our girls need to know that it is ok to feel angry, humiliated and sad. Anger and sadness and in fact ALL emotions are to be accepted. We all get angry but girls are often told from a young age that they must be ‘nice’ and ‘good’ and not show they are angry as anger is 'unattractive'. It can be hard for girls to acknowledge these tough feelings which is exactly what they need to do before they can start to problem solve. We can teach our girls how to manage anger effectively and respectfully by discussing these feelings in an open, empathetic, non-judgmental way and by modelling assertive communication skills. “Wow I can see that makes you angry when you're treated that way. It's so painful to be left out and I imagine you might have felt a bit humiliated.”

When we feel sad our primary need is to be understood. We can’t fix it for them but we can listen, stay close and support them. Kate Hurley, adolescent and child psychotherapist and author of No More Mean Girls works with girls who are often feeling the intense pain of friendship problems asked her patients what they would like from their parents and the answer is almost always the same: 'listen and ask questions '. When feelings are accepted, it's fortifying, validating and boosts self-esteem which gives girls the confidence to stand up for themselves.

2. Teach her to show strength

As author and school counsellor, Signe Whitson writes: “I am all about teaching girls that it is ok to feel sad, or hurt, or angry and it is a good thing to talk about their emotions with others. Yet when it comes to facing off with a frenemy, my best advice is to teach young girls how to show resolute strength”. Clearly this is not physical engagement but rather language which says that it is not ok for their feelings to be disrespected. Have a chat through with your daughter and have her practice saying ‘I don’t like that’, ‘no thanks, don’t do that.' or ' it's not ok to talk to me like that.' Humour is an effective tool and “I know, can you believe I chose this yellow shirt. I think it would look much better on you!” shows that they will not be allowed to be treated poorly. This is hard stuff but it is empowering and such a vital skill.

3. Talk about what a good friendship looks like

One of our greatest contributions will be to teach our girls what a healthy, supportive and valuable friendship looks like. Have the conversation often and don’t wait for a conflict to arise. Talk about why you value your own friends (‘she is there when I need her’, ‘she makes me laugh’, ‘she will always check that I feel included', 'she is generous and tells me how she feels’ ‘I can just be myself with her').

Ask your daughter what she thinks makes a good friend? Does she think she is a good friend? Why? When our girls have a deep understanding of what a healthy friendship looks and feels like, they're better able to walk away from or avoid the ones that don’t feel good and cherish and fight for the ones that do.

4. Teach her conflict resolution

The ability to say something difficult but true is a critical skill that will serve your daughter well in every aspect of her life. Here is a wonderful pragmatic approach to having difficult conversations that we can teach to our daughters. This works one on one and should not be used with a bully or someone who threatens your daughter’s emotional safety; that is a time you should step in.

Teaching and then practicing having tough conversations at home gives our daughters the confidence to bring this technique to their peer relationships. Here is Rachel Simmons’ The Four Steps to Healthy Conflict' which she uses at her Girls’ Leadership Institute and which gives girls the courage to speak the truth:

1. Affirm the relationship: Say something positive about the relationship so that the friend knows that conflict does not mean the end of the friendship “You're a really good friend” or “our friendship is really important to me”. Avoid using the word ‘but’ as it tends to negate what you have just said, try ‘and’.

2. Use an ‘I’ Statement: This defines the exact problem and importantly how it made her feel. “I felt hurt when you ignored me in the lunchroom and did not say hi”, “I felt embarrassed when you made a comment about my shirt in front of everyone in English yesterday.”

3. Say your contribution: In every disagreement, there are contributions from both sides. Either something that initiated it or made it bigger or last longer. This is the opportunity to say what made the problem bigger or worse. “I realise that Iforgot to wait for you after history yesterday like you asked.”

4. Ask how you can solve the problem together . This is the tricky part for many girls when they ask what they need from the other person. It is uncomfortable to ask for something. It allows for some giving, which is more natural for many girls, and some taking. “I can make sure I wait for you. Can you remember to ask me if I would like to come to lunch with you?” It is hard, but being specific, revisiting the contribution and promising to change.

We need to support our daughters as they navigate friendships and set themselves up with invaluable relationship skills for life. We can teach them that conflict in relationships is normal without dismissing their feelings and model being a wonderful friend. We need to talk often about all the good things that friendship brings. We should listen with empathy and acknowledge their feelings, instilling in them the courage and confidence to listen to their own emotions rather than be overwhelmed by them.

Learning to have a tough conversation, learning to stand up for herself, learning when to ask for help. learning when to walk away and learning from the experience when it doesn’t go right are invaluable skills that develop confident, courageous, independent girls. We may often feel like jumping in to fix, protect or shelter but if we can support our girl’s learning however uncomfortable it may be, without judgment but with empathy and understanding they will grow stronger, more resilient and full of self-belief.

The road map for motivating Teens

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Mon, 03 Apr 2023 23:00:00 GMT

Tension rises in homes around the country at this time of year. There will be nagging, hovering and plenty of conversations which include the question 'shouldn't you be revising?'

What we'd really like to know is why our teens can't get motivated to do what needs to the done? How can we help them do their best (but without constant nagging) and develop a resilience to keep trying when things get tough.

How can we support them in adopting an approach that will help them in the upcoming exams AND set them up for a lifetime of learning rather than view these school years as a race (one that often feels like a marathon) across the exam finish line? Is there a way to convey that all this learning is for them and it is not just to please, appease and satisfy us?

I have learned over the 38 years that my children have cumulatively been at school that our kids approach learning and exam revision differently depending on their temperament, the way their brains are wired, how they learn and the big one.. their motivation.

I've also learned, sometimes the hard way, that rewards, consequences and bribes, this is our second labrador Ernie who is part of our family due to a the bribe I gave my daughter for her GCSE'S, may work in the short term but they're ineffective when it comes to more challenging and long term goals. The motivation to engage needs to be intrinsic and value based rather than extrinsic or external. It needs to come from them. So how exactly can we inspire our children to build their own motivation and tenacity?

Here's an approach supported by research and years of practical experience. The research of American Psychologists Richard Ryan and Edward Deci points to three essential needs that underpin internal motivation: competence (a basic need to develop skills and capabilities), autonomy (independence) and connection (to others, shared values and the world around us). This research fits in very neatly with the skills that I teach in my parenting work and supports specific strategies that parents can use to address these three essential needs and help their children develop their own internal motivation without all the nagging from us.

Competence:

We all like to feel successful and we're much more inclined to keep trying when we feel capable and confident. We can support and nurture this feeling of competence in our children through the specific way that we notice and praise their efforts and the process along the way. We're programmed to notice the stuff that doesn't work but when we focus instead on pointing out the things our children get right and acknowledge all the tiny steps in the right direction we nurture a positive can-do attitude and we build vital connection.

Building competencies focused on attitude and effort rather than outcome is supported by the research which shows that positive credible feedback facilitates intrinsic motivation. Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck’s research on growth mind-set vs fixed mind-set underscores this building of confidence around competences. Rather than achievement she suggests we focus on attitude and effort and we will help our kids develop a desire, or motivation, to learn:

“ [We] can praise wisely, not praising intelligence or talent . That has failed. Don't do that anymore. But praising the process that kids engage in: their effort, their strategies, their focus, their perseverance, their improvement. This process praise creates kids who are hardy and resilient .”

Try this experiment. Over the coming weeks look for and acknowledge the effort and the attitude and all the small steps that your kids are taking. The amazing thing is that the more we search for the small steps, the positives, the improvements, no matter how tiny, the more we'll see.

Here are a few keys phrases that we can employ to remind ourselves that it's about how much our kids put in and how it feels for them rather than the outcome:

Instead of saying “did you win?” ask “how do you feel that it (today, the match, the test, the play...) went?”

Instead of talking about how proud they have made you, tell them “you should be so proud of yourself”.

Rather than asking about their mark in an exam or on an essay and expressing your delight or otherwise at the result, focus on the effort they put in:

“You've put in so much effort even though it's really challenging and you find it hard”;

“I know you tried and it can be frustrating that you're not quite there yet,”

“How does that improvement make you feel? “

Descriptively praising every little step in the right direction, their strategies, their effort helps build a positive relationship while reinforcing their belief in themselves and feelings of competence and confidence.

Autonomy :

We all like to feel in control, that we have choices and are not continually told what to do. The research bears out that when well allow our kids some independence and involvement in decision making we slowly build their intrinsic motivation. Giving choices empowers children and the converse is that those being told what to do all the time are more likely to give up, they feel ‘why bother?”

Allowing some autonomy reduces resistance. Offering choices where we're happy with either outcome increases cooperation and motivation. This isn't permissiveness but respectful involvement in and an explanation of rules, values and goals.

“Would you like to eat before or after you tackle that maths paper? I'm really happy to accommodate what works best for you.”

When children feel positively independent they're more likely to take responsibility and ownership for their own work, actions and behaviour.

Connection:

It all comes back to connection.

Listening, acknowledging emotions and seeking to understood the world from their point of view improves the likelihood that our children will venture out and push themselves. When children feel well connected we, as emotion coaches, open the lines of communication. And remember it's our job to find ways to open communication, not theirs.

"I know that the last thing you feel like doing this morning is that english paper. It's tough. "

" I'm thinking that you're worried about how it's going to go. It probably feels that you don't even want to start. I get that. I'm here if you want to let off steam."

When they feel listened to, heard and understood without judgment or criticism, their self-esteem improves, they feel stronger and are better prepared to weather setbacks and bumps along the road. T hey feel able to fail and make mistakes - all part of learning. When they're well connected, not only to us but also to other important role models in their lives, they feel grounded and better able to take on board the values that we share.

When life presents new experiences and challenges they're more likely to feel able to talk about them and seek out support when needed.

An finally, beware of the weight of expectation. Children need to believe to their core that our connection, our love, is unconditional. Our expectations need to be reasonable and they need to feel that we are there for support without judgement. Our children will then have the freedom to try hard, accept the risk of failure and stretch themselves.

When we say “you should be really proud of yourself “ rather than “we are proud of you,” we are reinforcing the values that underpin internal motivation. They know we are proud but it's their effort, their attitude and their perseverance that they will come to realise produces the satisfaction and builds their own motivation to keep learning.

How to sail through exam revision this holiday

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Fri, 03 Mar 2023 00:00:00 GMT

How to sail through exam revision this holiday

Are you excited about the holiday with a break from the routine and exhaustion of the school term BUT at the same time anxious about the prospect of exam revision?

Does just thinking about the tension, the stress, and the arguments around the how much, where and when of revision get your heart racing? Revision can become a huge source of stress and disconnection unless we think about it, talk about it and work through a plan together up front.

With three kids in three school years we had many holidays filled with mind maps, flash cards and tears, whether it was A levels, GCSE's or11+ . I've spent a lot of time thinking about how I could support my kids while creating a calm, comfortable atmosphere at home so they could rest WHILE revising. Sounds impossible? Not with some thought, planning and lots of collaboration.

Whatever exams you might be approaching, here are five tips to get you through:

1. Set the scene and the tone at the beginning.

It's vital to address that large elephant in the room. Sit down with your child and work through a revision timetable. Some will already have it all worked out but others might need some help. Stay positive, let them lead and be supportive. Build into the timetable family time and lots of fresh air and rest. Our children are always exhausted at the end of term and they'll need plenty of down time to recharge their batteries.

Let your kids know that you get it. Spending a holiday working isn't many kids' idea of fun so together come up with lots of things to look forward to during breaks - favourite snacks, special treats, family films, games, an outing. You might try this:

"I can imagine that the idea of working all holiday doesn't sound like much fun. I'm thinking you'll need lots of things to look forward to during your breaks and non-work times. I have some ideas. Can we come up with a list together so I can help?'

Short breaks between set periods of study is important. Most kids, especially as they get towards GCSE and A levels, tend to underestimate the amount and depth of work they need to do so a clear well thought through, visible revision timetable can help them feel more in control, less stressed and overwhelmed.

2. Work through the ground rules around technology - upfront

Discuss ahead of time and with empathy and respect what might derail their best laid plans. Perhaps like this:

'I'm wondering what might get in the way or be a distraction for you?' 'Yeah your phone? How can you make sure you're not interrupted?' 'Mmmm, Do you think that putting it in the same room is a good idea? I know when mine is near by I find it hard to resist. ' 'The kitchen on charge sounds really sensible.'

One of the biggest obstacles is likely to be the pings of their phone, the fear of missing out on the chat, posting their BeReal in time, or the pull of getting into a group waiting to game. Encourage them to leave their devices in another room as research show that even a smartphone turned off, but in the same room. is distracting. Set time aside for catching up on social media and playing games once the allocated work has been done. It's a great way to teach delayed gratification and a calm, respectful chat through ahead of time will save many a misunderstanding.

3. Set up the environment for success.

It's important to work with your child to give them a quiet, calm place conducive to study. See if you can allocate a space or a room where they can spread out, keep their stuff organised and help them gather all the things they need.

Some may need gentle encouragement to choose a quiet space when they'd rather be sitting at the kitchen table in the hub of the house. They may work best with others so a spot next to you in the office might be just what they need.

Perhaps give them a timer and be ready during the breaks for a cup of tea or hot chocolate. Our presence and a bit of attention reinforces our connection and shows our respect for the work they have to do. I'd say:

' Wow you've done 20 minutes of maths. That's a great start. I'm making tea, can I get you a hot chocolate?"

Think about helping them stay organised as clutter is distracting and can add to stress. Perhaps some jars for highlighters, post-its and labels for files and white board for inspirational quotes and notes. Finally getting everyone in the house on board, talking through with siblings the importance of their study schedule, shows respect for your student.

4. Ask your child how they'd like you to support them.

Just as every child learns differently, some are auditory learners others visual, they may want you to support them and show your consideration and compassion in different ways. Ask them how you can help.

One of my children likes to be left alone but with a stream of healthy snacks, cups of tea and the occasional back rub. Another likes me closer to hand to talk through and quiz her on dates and facts.

The most important support is empathy. When we acknowledge their emotions, perhaps frustration, fear or feeling overwhelmed we help them to address their strong feelings. Research supports the idea that acknowledgement and naming an emotion activates stress-reducing chemicals in the body. Letting our kids know that we 'get it' by talking about the feelings they might be experiencing helps relieve stress and helps them feel they're not alone. Perhaps this approach could be helpful

'I know that you find chemistry really really hard. It probably feels overwhelming right now. I used to feel the same way about physics.'

'I'm thinking you might feel stuck with this history. I get that and I'm around in 15 minutes if you'd like me to quiz you on any dates?'

5. Stay positive.

We can get hugely frustrated, cross or despondent when our kids are not doing what we know they should be doing.

We can see clearly that 'if they would just do a bit of work' or 'if they would just try' they'd more likely to succeed or avoid disappointment.

But our kids won't be motivated by our criticism, nagging or judgment.

Children want to do well and although we can support them, the motivation needs to come from within. Our job is to keep working on our connection and relationship. The more positive they feel about themselves and the safer they feel in their connection with us, the more likely they will try, do the hard painful stuff and develop resilience.

We can help by focusing on the positive and mentioning all the thing they get right, pointing out when we see the behaviour we're looking for and by showing empathy.

We call this Descriptive Praise and along with empathy and understanding, the positive focus motivates and helps them build self-esteem and a growth mindset. When we have set things up at the outset and worked out a plan together, we'll have plenty of opportunity to acknowledge the tiny steps in the right direction. It might sound like this:

' You sat down at your desk when you said you would.'

'You put the timer on to remind yourself when your next study break starts and you put your phone the windowsill. You should feel really proud of yourself as I know that' feels hard. I've got the kettle on in 10 minutes."

We use this positive acknowledgement in place of bribes and threats. Bribery (such as money or presents) for revising and exam marks doesn't reinforce intrinsic motivation and can have a negative effect on our children's sense of self- worth. Descriptively praising their effort, their attitude and the strategies they use reinforces a growth mindset and step by step builds their belief in their own abilities. Bolstering their self -esteem will give our kids the best chance possible of getting through the stress and pressure around revision and put them in the best frame of mind to tackle the weeks ahead.

We can’t and don't want to do it for them but we can help them to be and do their best. Supporting your child through exam revision helps to cement your relationship and shows them in a calm positive way that you’re on their side.

Setting things up calmly and proactively at the beginning means you're less likely to have misunderstandings and more likely to still have plenty of time to enjoy being together.

Three steps to help your family thrive this year

Tue, 03 Jan 2023 13:34:25 GMT

Parenting intentions for the New Year

I like turning the page and idea of starting afresh but for others it feels less comfortable. Some of us tread carefully coming off a tough year or by our nature, others launch in with blatant enthusiasm. Either way is ok and for all of us it's

healthy as part of the process to reflect on last year even briefly, and what we learned. Ask yourself what went well in your parenting and what areas could use a boost?

I'm reminded every year that with any resolution, even those that are as worthy as being a better parent, the odds are stacked against success. We all find change a struggle because it takes time and consistent effort – easier to begin but harder to maintain especially when emotions get involved. We know that habits don’t get changed overnight, in fact studies show that it takes more than two months before a new behaviour becomes automatic. We need clear intentions and we need a plan. Saying ”I'm going to be a better parent this year," is a fabulous sentiment, but it doesn’t give us much detailed information about where to put in time and effort; there's no plan.

As you look forward, help is at hand.

Here are three intentions; specific things that you can do that will have maximum impact on your family this year.

These are reasonable and achievable ideas that can, with determination, become a consistent part of your day to help you toward the goal of helping your family to thrive - calmly, patiently and with intention.

1. Special time - Children spell LOVE as T-I-M-E . Set aside just 10 minutes with each child every day for greater connection, a more positive relationship and improved behaviour. Whether they are 3, 11 or 16, commit to making one on one time a family ritual. You will need to put in some worthwhile time and effort to make it happen. You may be thinking that you've spent enough time with your child this week or even this year but this is child-led time doing what they would like to do (kicking a football, baking, painting nails, reading or just talking). You need to be fully present, fully focused and engaged so turn off the phone, close the laptop and set the other children up so that you can have time with just one at a time.

Dr Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson's book The Power of Showing Up is all about the power of presence for our kids. The simple act of consistently and purposely 'showing up' and being present in their lives positively impacts who are kids become and how their brains get wired. It's important for our kids to know that they can count on us again and again to show up with our full attention, building trust and a feeling of security in order to thrive. Special time puts our intentions into action.

This one on one time is not something that gets taken away if our kids are off course or misbehave. It is precisely this time together, more than anything else, that will deepen your relationship and get you both back on track. Send the message to your kids that that there is nothing else you would rather be doing, no where else you would rather be than here with them right now. It's a game changer.

2. Be curious – What if we replaced the immediate need to fix things, to exert our control, to be right, judge or even punish with a little curiosity? We know that all behaviour has a cause and the first step in helping our children to learn to manage their behaviour effectively (and acceptably) is to get inside their heads and look for the emotions that might be driving their behaviour. It's vital to seek first to understand before trying to be understood.

When faced with challenging or puzzling behaviour or when you feel triggered, hit the pause button, take a deep breath and instead of reacting to your kids , ask yourself a question: Why is she having trouble starting her homework? Perhaps she's worried that she might get it wrong. Why does she not want to go to school? Perhaps she gets anxious about whether she will be included in the playground. Why did he snap at me just then? It might just be that he's exhausted and feeling overwhelmed. Why won’t he tidy up? I bet he doesn't enjoy it! We may not immediately know the answer but being curious first helps us to put an empathetic spotlight on our kids rather than being quick to judge or reacting to them when consumed by our own emotion and agenda.

Being curious helps us to ground ourselves and get back on track and come alongside our kids with compassion. We're then in a much better place to uncover the emotion underlying the actions and help our kids learn that all emotions are ok but some behaviours need limits. It's ok for your son to feel jealous when something comes easily to his sister that's so hard for him. However it's not ok for him to thump his sister or to be rude to you. Being curious helps you to tune into his story. Instead of reacting with 'do not hit your sister!!!' or 'do not talk to me like that!' we're in a better place to calmly respond with empathy while setting the limit. We don't want to say very much as an emotions are running the show. They can't process until they get through their emotions - and that's our job - to help them get back to calm waters.

"Wow, I can see you're really angry."

When things are calm you can revisit the problem. You might say:

'For you to shout like that tells me how tough this is for you. I am wondering whether you feel that everything comes really easily to her and that it just isn't fair."

It's only when we show that we get it, that we care enough to respectfully come alongside our kids and look behind the behaviour to the feelings behind the actions that our kids will start to open up, learn to manage their behaviour and start to problem solve.

Curiosity is positive and intentional and the route towards effective parenting.

3. Focus on all the things they get right - We get more of what we pay attention to. Seeing more of what we're searching or looking for is in fact our internal filter the reticular activating system at work. ( For more on the workings of this amazing filter in our brain read here ). You know the notion of whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right?! When we focus on all the things our kids get right (ignoring the poor behaviour as much as we can) we notice more and more of these behaviours and actions.

'You came to set the table the first time I asked. I really appreciate your help."

'You put your phone down and looked at me when I asked you. That shows me you're listening."

As our kids enjoy our positive attention, we'll get more of the positive behaviour we want to encourage. Although it may sound uncomfortable at first, you'll find your own voice and way of speaking that sounds like you and it's much better than nagging! Our positive focus gives kids of any age a feeling that they are children who get things right and this boosts their sense of self worth. What we say eventually becomes their own soundtrack ' I am independent. I am resilient. I try hard. I am kind."

Noticing and mentioning these things (even when we have to look very hard) builds a strong and positive relationship, teaches our children about the behaviour we're looking for and builds their self-esteem. We call this Descriptive Praise and this intentional specific attention helps children to learn and remember what they need to do to get a positive response.

Not only do our kids feel good about themselves which means they are more likely to try hard, be resilient and have empathy with themselves and others, but a focus on the things you all get right creates a home with more positive, calmer and happier vibe. A great way to start off the New Year.

Navigating the holidays

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Sun, 18 Dec 2022 21:24:09 GMT

Thriving through the holidays...it's that time of year

Christmas is in full swing. The decorations are up, the Nativity plays, concerts and Christmas lunches are on, the present lists are endless and, just as we are about to catch our breath, the school holidays will have begun.

I love this time of year but, under the weight of expectation for a perfect celebration and not to mention the shopping, cooking, creating, pleasing and appeasing, it’s tough to stay calm, relaxed and jolly.

But with preparation, a bit of expectations-management, a lot of gratitude and a focus on what Christmas celebrations mean, we can have a wonderfully merry time.

Read on for 5 things we can do to take make the most of the time that we have together.

https://www.talkeducation.com/news/how-to-have-a-happy-family-christmas-

Why Special Time is just so Special

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Sun, 02 Oct 2022 23:00:00 GMT

Child led one on one time is a powerful tool to build emotional connection

Why is it just so powerful, and necessary to build consistent special one on one time with your child into your busy life?

Most parents I work with tell me that they feel overwhelmed with the stress and juggle of family life. With so much going on, and kids who often don't cooperate, how could they fit any more commitments into their all too short day? It's hard enough to move everyone through homework, meals, washing, bedtime, mornings, how is there anytime for any more?

What if I were to tell you that carving out regular special time with your children makes everything else smoother, more enjoyable and calm?

In our busy lives, when so often we feel that we just trying to get through our day with everyone intact and where they need to be, we loose connection with each other. We often think, 'I'll have time on the weekend' and then on Sunday evening once again we've rushed from one activity to the next and we feel no more connected or rested.

Special time :

helps our kids feel more connected, heard, seen so they are more content and cooperative
helps us tune into our children's inner world so that we can understand and be more compassionate about the feelings, struggles and anxieties that come out in their behaviour
sends children the powerful message that 'there is no where else I would rather be than here with you right now' which builds their positive self-image, their self- esteem and our connection
creates a comfortable trusting relationship over time so our kids feel they can share their thoughts and feelings
lets us love playing together, enjoying each other and has the power to change the dynamics of our relationship.

Even ten minutes of child led time together is a powerful tool to build emotional connection. Every child is different and they need different things from us and at different times. Having this Special Time lets us tune in to them and give them the undivided attention in a way that celebrates their uniqueness. It works whether they are two or 22!

Carving out this time is proactive parenting at its best as having just five or 10 minutes each day for each child is preventative AND reparative parenting. With this connected time, we are laying the foundation for a deep relationship and often we will pick up on the little things so that our child doesn’t have to let us know that something is amiss through big emotions or behaviours. They feel secure, safe, respected and unconditionally loved and are less likely to seek attention in less desirable ways.

We love the work of relationship expert John Gottman who points out that relationships work at their best when our emotional bank accounts are in good shape. We are making deposits in our children’s accounts with one on one time together. When we need to uphold a boundary, or set a limit we can do this and keep our relationship in tact as there are ample emotional deposits to draw upon.

I remember using Special Time to address my son’s explosive behaviour when he was young. Flying model airplanes around the house would not have been my activity of choice but it was his. Enjoying Mummy happily playing HIS game, putting all else aside and giving him ALL my attention (for that five or 10 minutes) powerfully improved our relationship and ultimately helped his behaviour.

Here are five tips to make Special Time part of your family routine:

1. Start with small steps : Just five minutes can make a difference. Start perhaps with a commitment to saying good night to each of your children (no matter what the age as long as they go to bed before you do!). Ask them if they would like to read, just chat or play a short game? Knowing they will have this time, they are likely to save things they want to share about their day. These little times all add up to a strong relationship.

2. Be consistent : Make it a family ritual. Call it ‘special time’ if you like and make it sacred. Make the necessary preparations to make it happen. Your children will feel valued when they know that nothing comes in the way of your time together.

3. Drop the reins : Make the time fun and interactive and child, rather than parent, led. Kicking a football, colouring together, baking, playing with the dog or painting nails. Relaxing, screen free time to share. Children feel empowered when you show a real interest in what they love and are willing to drop the reins.

4. Give your FULL attention : Don’t interrupt this time by looking at a phone, checking your email or browsing the Sky TV Guide. Listen fully and be led. This is also great modelling for your children. Listening to the little things makes it more likely that they will tell you the big things when they need to. Being fully present and engaged is especially helpful for the child who is more introverted and who may stand in the shadow of a more extroverted or spirited sibling.

5. Never take it away. However, disappointed you are with their behaviour that day, never use this one on one time as a consequence or take this time away. This special individual time is a critical building block to address all misbehavior.

When your kids know that you are prioritising spending individual time with them, it can change your relationship while boosting their self-esteem and building trust. Giving children our undivided and uninterrupted attention validates them as important individuals which builds their feeling of self-worth. One on one time lets them feel connected to a family but also to each of their parents independently. You develop intimacies, shared memories and insight that will support you through the ups and downs as they change and develop. Your gift of time makes your child feel valued, needed, secure and unconditionally loved.

10 top tips for a successful start to school

Fri, 12 Aug 2022 09:11:37 GMT

Practical ideas for a smooth transition

Starting School - Ready Steady….

Starting school is a huge milestone for our little ones as well as for ourselves. Whether we are excited or slightly apprehensive, we want to do all we can to make those early days positive and fun.

Here are ten top tips with practical ideas that will help you prepare and set up for a successful start to school:

1. Talk about it. Talk about the teacher, the school and all the fun things they are likely to do. ‘I am sure Miss Edwards is really looking forward to having a new class. She seems so nice. Did you see when we looked around that there was a corner with lots of books and blocks to build.” Chat through the day and as much about the routine as you can. “I remember Miss Edwards said that you would have story time on the carpet after lunch. I wonder what the fist story will be?” Perhaps spend an afternoon in your library reading and chatting through stories about starting school.

2. Listen. Your little one may think they should feel 'happy' and 'excited' about school but they will likely have lots of other feelings too. They might be worried about what it will be like, if being at school for a full day means they'll miss you, will they make friends, what will the food be or will they have snacks? Any change, transition or uncertainty can bring anxiety or worry. In the weeks before school, find plenty of time to gently connect and talk about any worries they may have, reassuring them that is it normal rather than dismissing or reassuring them. Help them think through what they might do if they feel these feelings. Naming the feeling helps our kids tame the feelings and teaches them that all emotions are ok. Tough as it is sometimes, I set myself the task of trying to listen more than I talk...

3. Independence. This is a great time to practice a few of the things that will help them feel independent and capable at school. Being able to go to the loo on their own is important not only for the teachers but also so they feel comfortable. Can they put on their coat, do their shoes, change if they need to for PE and do up all their buttons? There are lots of fun ways to practice – put their coat on over their pj’s or sing silly songs in the loo. If you think your child will have a hard time saying goodbye, practice that as well in a positive way: “we'll walk into your classroom together and we will say our special goodbye. I'll be there at 3pm to pick you up with that yummy snack you chose and you can tell me all about your day.”

4. Friends. If you have a list of new children starting in your class, or if you can ask for it, it is a great idea to organise a few playdates in the relaxed weeks before school starts. Entering a classroom of unfamiliar faces can be intimidating for even the most courageous child and it is especially helpful if your child takes time to settle. A little light hearted role play on what it feels like to meet new friends can help. When school begins, your child will be exhausted so less is often more after school in the early weeks of school.

5. Familiarity . Can you practice the trip to school pointing out funny or interesting things on the route? Anticipate what might be hard for your child and talk about these things calmly and positively in the weeks ahead. Some children adapt slowly to transitions and there are many transitions in the school day. I have a child who found changing from one activity or gear to the next challenging and setting out routines and talking through sequence of events in detail ahead of time was very important. We are always searching for ways to help our children succeed and with success comes confidence and self- esteem and the behaviour follows.

6. Make it special. Make them feel special too. They may feel excited at the prospect of wearing a new uniform, having their own PE kit and school bag or they may feel a little overwhelmed. They are often caught between wanting to be your little one still and wanting to be the big boy or girl who goes to school. Have fun and keep it lighthearted. Make the shopping trip special. Try on the new uniform or sports kit, play in it and get used to wearing it. Practice getting ready in the morning from laying out as a person the night before to popping it on and having breakfast in the morning so everything feel super familiar and easy.

7. Sleep. If things have slipped over the summer, now is the time to get your little ones gradually back to an early bedtime routine. Primary school aged children need between 9 and 11 hours sleep a night. They will be exhausted in the first weeks of school and working to establish a calming, consistent nightly routine now will help you when the exhaustion kicks in. Talk through with you little ones what you will do every night and put together a fun pictorial guide that they can follow.

8. Time. Tired and overwhelmed children need to know that they are loved. For many, even those who have been at nursery school, the prospect of an entire day away from their parent or caregiver can be very scary. Carve out time to be at home with them in the early days. They need to reconnect after school so try to refrain from asking too many questions the minute they appear. They may even be emotional as they release any pent-up feelings from the day as well as being exhausted. Give them time to recharge, settle back in, play with things that are familiar and having plenty for snuggle time during your bedtime routine. A quiet game or puzzle before bed is a great time to talk about what went well and what was more difficult.

And finally, 2 top tips:

9. Keep a positive vibe around your child. Talk to friends and family about your own worries and apprehensions rather than to your new school starter.

10. End every day with three positive affirmations for your child. “you should be so proud that you put on your uniform all by yourself.” “Even though you were worried that you didn’t know anyone, you still turned and smiled and said goodbye.” “You are a brave girl.”

I hope that you enjoy the rest of the summer and that the first weeks of school are happy and successful - Good luck!!!

Kids and screens - 5 top tips to get you sorted

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Tue, 26 Jul 2022 12:06:58 GMT

How to help your kids have a positive relationship with their screens and devices - one day at a time.

My summer started several weeks ago as my three kids are all at university. I am so grateful for all the moments we have together between their summer jobs, travels, catching up with friends and family and the inevitable time they spend on their screens.

Ah... kids and their screens , the biggest hot spot with the parents that I coach.

As I try hard to walk my talk, it seems a good moment to reflect on whether I think I’ve succeeded in helping them to have a healthy relationship with their screens and if I did, how did that happen?

It may be a little early to tell but if I look at where they are now, what they’re doing and not doing and how they incorporate their screens into their lives.... then yes, I feel pretty good.

I can’t forget that it’s been a long and bumpy road. I look back rather sheepishly on all the arguments and power struggles that were driven largely by my fear that they’d all become addicted and end up passing their days either gaming or lying on the sofa scrolling through social media.

My light bulb moment came many years ago when my son wanted to use his own money to build his own gaming computer. The ‘discussion’ we had opened my eyes to seeing the world of screens from his point of view and helped me get clear on my values. We’ve written about what we both learned in an article for US parenting expert Bonnie Harris.

I am not perfect, just ask my kids and perfection doesn’t exist anyway, but I've learned to take a more curious, calmer, more proactive, respectful, and connected approach to their screens and here we are now appreciating the good things about technology, educating ourselves about its impact and remembering to live a life of balance.

So far, my kids’ summer with screens looks like this:

After four years studying for an engineering degree and summers working, my son and his friends planned to join the Mongol Rally taking six weeks to drive to Mongolia via Russia. With the official rally cancelled, undeterred they set off two weeks ago to navigate their own route through Europe, Morocco to Greece and Turkey and northwards back home.

Their screens have been a fun and important part of their journey. They use great navigational apps and even found their Airbnb in the Atlas Mountains by locating its swimming pool on Google Earth. They’ve asked us all for podcast recommendations and they’re researching all their stopping points - the culture as well as the bars. They’ve hooked up with friends, found local mechanics and every evening they post a witty diary and photos of their exploits on Instagram. I love it. It’s fun to see what they’ve been up to and yes, it’s reassuring to know they can get in touch.

My daughters and I just saw the film, Elvis. It was great and we’ve been singing in the kitchen to all the old Elvis hits on Spotify. They chat and do Wordle with my family in the US and we all share photos (mostly of the dogs) with each other on What’s App. One daughter organises her sports commitments via shared drives and both daughters sort their summer jobs via apps that enable them to make the most of any free time they have available and of course they can stay in contact with all their friends and stream old episodes of The Office.

Yes, there are hours of scrolling on the sofa and playing video games on the top floor but there are card games, exercise, tidying (sometimes), friends, family dinners, reading, laughs, sleeping in, travels and much more.

Do screens make parenting more difficult? Yes. Is it a huge challenge for our kids, who are still developing self-regulation and self-control, to learn how to have an healthy on-going relationship with their devices? Yes. Do they need hard consistent boundaries, modelling, and empathy while they develop healthy habits? Yes absolutely.

It’s so easy to focus on the negatives but I want to embrace the positives too. I know that screens and tech ( and big tech for that matter) are not going anywhere and they need respect. I also need to keep the end goal in mind – raising children to have a healthy honest respectful relationship with their screens.

Here are my five top tips to help you manage:

Screens and summer holidays can be a heady combination. Our kids have free time, and we have important stuff to do. The inevitable scene of kids on screens all over the house, all over the garden or all over the car, can push every possible button. When we get triggered, we find it hard to remain cool, calm, and compassionate and then comes the guilt.

1. Set the ground rules.

We need some rules. Kids need boundaries, not only to feel safe but importantly to learn good habits and absorb our values such as self-discipline, balance, and consideration.

Have a family meeting when you’ve all calm and relaxed and work out the what, when, where and who of screens but get clear on your own values first. For example, I want everyone as often as possible round the table for family meals and I don't want the screens sitting with us. Rules work best when they are set in advance, and collaboratively.

Be specific, keep them positive and work out rules that reflect your own family values. Explain to your kids why they are important. I know that I find it hard not to have a last scroll on my phone in bed. Charging my phone outside my bedroom helps me get a good night’s sleep.

Write down your family rules and keep them visible. They could include:

All phones on the kitchen counter during mealtimes.

Headphones in the car are saved for long journeys of x .

All screens on charge outside the bedroom at night.

Half hour gaming after summer camp and after jobs are done.

We agree that screens are a privilege and if we can’t keep to the rules, we will lose our privilege for x time.

As you discuss and set your family rules remember to keep the end in mind – kids who have a healthy balance of tech and screens with the rest of the important things in their life. Developing a plan that works for your family is just part of being a confident, consistent, respectful and authoritative parent. It’s about thinking about each child’s temperament, their stage of development and their age. Clear rules give us confidence, give kids important boundaries, and perhaps most importantly help us remain calm.

2. Show empathy and understanding and consistency:

We may not like their behaviour around screens, but we need to show them respect, understanding and empathy as we set limits and keep boundaries. As Stephen Covey says in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” We are all more open to influence when we feel respected and connected. It might sound like this:

‘You're really concentrating and I can see you're trying hard to finish another level on that game. It's 3 pm and we agreed I would give you a five minute warning. You and Alfie had a fun run yesterday around the pond and he loved the ball you threw.'

We don’t have to agree with their behaviour. Sometimes it is not ok, and we need to set a limit, but we can always be curious and understanding about the underlying feeling. Our kids need to know that ALL feelings are accepted. Hard as it is in the moment, if we think about how it feels to be them, name the emotion, and stay calm with empathy, we are more likely to help them get back to a calm place and solve the problem. We’re helping them develop the self-discipline and self-regulation they need to have a positive relationship with their screens.

3. Model good screen habits .

Our kids notice and absorb all that we do. Parenting is 80 % modelling and that’s either terrifying or empowering. Ask yourself whether you’re modelling a healthy relationship with your screens. Talk about how hard you find it to unplug or avoid scrolling through Instagram. Model and share ways that you have found to develop self-discipline and balance. For example:

Put your screen out of reach at meals and bedtime and follow your family rules.

Put your phone on silent when you're spending time with your kids – be present.

When you're ‘out of the office’ schedule time to catch up on emails rather than continually checking throughout the day.

Embrace the positives of technology – do Wordle with your kids, share photos and make albums together, listen to their playlists in the car, learn and design new things, play games together.

4. Talk about tech and screens .

Use times when you are together, over family meals, on walks, playing games to have calm consistent chats about all things screens and tech. We often underestimate just how powerful it is for our kids to know we are curious and interested. It could be:

Why do you love Fortnite? Where is your favourite place to get your news? Does checking Snap maps ever make you feel left out? Why is Be Reel so great? How much screen time do you think is healthy? Why do you think we all feel so wired when we’ve been playing games? Tik Tok has a crazy number of users! What do you think the metaverse will do to face to face contact and should we care?

Having open, consistent, engaged, respectful age-appropriate conversations about screens and technology is vital to achieving connection and balance.

5. Manage your expectations.

We need to mind the gap between our expectations and our kids’ reality. In that gap lies disappointment. Yes, we should have high expectations for our kids, but realism and empathy are key.

Should we expect our kids to have the self-discipline to manage their screen time, to develop healthy digital habits and to build the strength and self-awareness to withstand the pull of screens on their own? I don’t think so.

I know how very hard it is for me, with ALL my life experience and my adult brain, to resists the pull of my screen. Imagine then how hard it is for a child. I like to get in the habit of asking: ‘what can I expect of THIS child at her age and stage of development and with her temperament.” Our kids’ experience with their screens will be heavily influenced by their temperament.

Can I expect my determined, persistent, intense 8-year-old who likes to feel in control to down tools and get off his screen the very first time I ask him without any warning? Probably not. I am going to need to help him learn this skill proactively, consistently, and calmly just as I did when he was learning to ride his bike and swim.

My flexible, adaptable and less intense child may find this transition less of a challenge.

The approach that I have worked hard to teach my kids is that managing our screens is about being self-control, self-discipline, honesty ( about the power of the technology) and balance. Screens have their place in a healthy life that includes exercise (we all need to move), fresh air, face to face contact with family and friends, good food, good sleep, and screen-free times just being bored and much much more.

Have a wonderful summer, if you have any questions or if I can help in any way. Please get in touch

5 simple sentence starters that build resilience in your kids

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Tue, 26 Jul 2022 11:32:24 GMT

5 Simple Sentence Starters to Build Resilience in your Children

How do we build resilience faced with our full-on family lives?

It starts with the language we use.

Our words have great power and I’ve found that these sentence starters help keep me on track and help me stay calm when emotions run high, and I lose sight of the long game – raising resilient kids who thrive.

Read my full article at Careering into Motherhood via the link HERE or republished below:

Consumed by our busy lives and putting all our energy into keeping the train on the tracks, raising resilient kids might not be at the top of our list. It’s worth some thought however as learning to fail, adapt, regulate emotions, problem solve, show empathy and integrity and form healthy, happy relationships are important skills for our children to embrace – today more than ever.

How do we build this resilience in our children? It starts with the language we use. Our words have great power and I’ve found that these sentence starters help keep me on track and help me stay calm especially when emotions run high and I lose sight of the long game – raising resilient kids who thrive.

1) “I’m wondering what you think?”

It’s so tempting, and much faster, to tell our kids what to do, what to think or what to say. I am forever catching myself saying. “I think you should…”, ‘If I were you, I would…”, ' wouldn't it make more sense to ...'

It’s natural, as we want our kids to get it right, get it done and as we have a lifetime of experience to draw upon, we’re usually right. But, when we let them do their own thinking, they won’t always get it right, but they're doing vital learning and growing in competence, practicing problem solving and learning to think about the consequences their choices might have. Learning by doing builds mastery, independence, confidence and resilience.

2) “Yesterday morning didn’t go very well for any of us…”

Being honest and willing to revisit and problem solve WITH our kids when things don’t go well is good teaching and great modelling. Perhaps the kids had a hard time remembering the routine and you ended up shouting. No blame or judgement are needed but rather, humbly and respectfully, working together to come up with a practical solution. This teaches our kids that mistakes are part of life; it shows them how to repair, make amends and collaboratively find solutions; and it models resilience.

3) “You look really sad, that must have been really tough”

Empathy is the first step in helping our kids learn to cope with and manage big emotions. Our calm understanding and validating presence send the message that all emotions, no matter how uncomfortable, are ok. Some behaviours naturally need to be redirected but only after we have calmly connected. The second step is to help our kids learn healthy coping strategies for the times when they FEEL their big emotions, such as deep breathing, moving their body or talking to someone they trust.

When our kids experience, repeatedly, that emotions, including big ones such as fear, anxiety, jealousy, anger, are manageable and that they can cope and that we ALL experience big feelings, they are better prepared to take on whatever comes their way and better able to empathise with others and form healthy relationships.

4) “How did you feel it went?”

I’m not asking about the outcome, the result or who won or lost. I am focusing on the input, the experience, the feelings, the journey. We know that instilling a growth mindset in our kids – that willingness to give tough things a go and to struggle – builds resilience. We also know that where we put our attention, our children feel is important. If we ASK and FOCUS on the output, that's what our kids will take on as important. Do we want to know who won, what mark they got or where they ranked? Or would we rather understand their experience and have them focus on how it felt for them and what they put in. Growth mindset kids are resilient.

5) “Wow, that was thoughtful and kind.”

Research shows us that we notice more of what we are looking for and that we'll get more of the behaviours that we acknowledge in our kids. When we catch our kids doing the right thing and mention it, rather than relying on our default setting of pointing out first all the things they get wrong, we're reinforcing the behaviour we’re looking for and building a positive connection. Over time when our kids hear that they are organised, kind, persistent, independent, courageous, they start to see these qualities in themselves which builds competence, optimism, confidence and self-esteem. It’s the growing sense of self-worth that is the bedrock of resilience.

Give these five sentence starters that quietly and consistently build resilience a go!

If you’d like a toolbox of practical, effective strategies to help your unique family thrive, please get in touch.

Mornings! Mayhem or Magic?

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Mon, 13 Jun 2022 15:33:06 GMT

Mornings! Mayhem or Magic?

A new approach to your morning routine.

Do you find yourself dropping your children at school or nursery and driving or walking away feeling guilty, disappointed or distraught that the morning didn't go as planned.. again. You may have thought “this term we'll crack this morning routine” and still find yourself resorting to nagging or shouting in an effort to get everyone out the door on time.

Morning is full of opportunities for power struggles, conflicting agendas, siblings spats and short fuses. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Here are a few ideas for a calmer, quieter, happier start to your day:

· Sleep: A happy morning starts the night before. You all need a full night’s sleep. If everyone is only waking to the alarm in the morning, then perhaps you are not getting enough. Have an age appropriate bedtime routine for each child and turn off technology one hour before bed. Put all devices in the “drop zone” which is out of the bedroom (Mum and Dad too) and you will find it much easier to get up in the morning. Treat sleep as sacred.

· Prepare for your morning the night before. Have a family brain storm about what you can all do in the evening to make the morning run smoothly: make the lunches, put all the school bags, projects, sports equipment by the door, choose breakfasts, set all clothes out or find that toy to take in so there are fewer things to remember in the morning. Giving your kids age appropriate responsibilities, with your support when needed, not only sets them up for morning success but you're training your kids in vital good habits.

· Make it light hearted and fun - age appropriate of course! Perhaps have your child lay the clothes on the floor item by item in the order they get put on. Put the toy with a spoon in its hand on the breakfast bowl. Hug and kiss them after they put on each item of clothes and use lots of humour. Descriptively praise every small step in the right direction: “you remembered that your vest goes UNDER your shirt!” You might put a humourous post-it note on your teen's bag to acknowledge that he remembered to put it by the door.

· Connection time : Rather than opening the curtains and asking them to wake up, jump into bed and steal a cuddle before their day begins. Empathise: “I bet you wish that we could stay under this duvet all day long. Me too!”. “It's hard getting up now after a term of early mornings”. Talk about something you are both looking forward to in your day. “I am really looking forward to going to the park when I pick you up from school. Shall we start on the swings or the zip wire?” You'll be thinking - 'how would I ever have time for that!". When we're well prepared, we have more time to connect.

· Keep it simple to succeed : With everything done the night before you have made a great start. Put a toothbrush downstairs. Keep a hair brush in the car with extra hair ties. We are looking to avoid the power struggles. A few mornings with toast on your lap in the car rather than a the emotional tail that a huge argument can leave for the rest of the day, is ok. Help your children feel successful in their morning and they will get off to school feeling good about themselves, and you too!

· Give them choices : Giving choices reduces power struggles as no one wants all their decisions made for them. “Are you going to get dressed before or after your breakfast?”'Shall we make that smoothly with the raspberries this morning?" “Would you rather run upstairs to brush your teeth, or brush them down here?” “Are you going to put your coat or your shoes on first?”.

· Role Play : If you have a young child who really has trouble in the morning, choose some toys and act out your morning at the weekend when you are all calm and relaxed. Make it fun and lighthearted. You may get some great ideas on how you can make the morning work for you both.

· 15 minutes : Tomorrow morning try getting up 15 minutes earlier so that you are prepared, organised and calm. Give that precious time back to your children and they won’t head off to school feeling frantic and rushed but rather feeling calm, connected and ready for their day.

Loneliness is on the rise - How to help our kids

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Wed, 11 May 2022 15:47:38 GMT

5 steps to helping kids manage loneliness

It’s Mental Health Awareness Week 2022 and this year’s theme is loneliness.

Loneliness is one of many uncomfortable feelings that we’re not very good at discussing. Somehow, we feel that we shouldn’t feel lonely and with that comes shame. This week, and every week, it’s important to talk about and explore loneliness with our families. We know that the pandemic caused many of us to feel lonely but even before the challenges of mandated isolation, our kids and young people have been telling us that they feel lonely much of the time.

Feeling lonely has been recognised as a key driver of poor mental health and it’s on the rise. A YouGov poll (2019) of 13 – 19-year-olds found 69% said they felt alone ‘often’ or sometimes’ in the last fortnight and 59% feel like they ‘often or sometimes have no one to talk to’. (Mental Health Foundation).

Let’s start with what loneliness is and what it’s not. We experience loneliness when we don’t feel that we have the depth of emotional and social contact that we need. It will feel different for everyone and it’s not the same as being alone. We may be in a room surrounded with people we know and love and feel lonely and we may be alone and feel perfectly content.

As Brene Brown in her latest book Atlas of the Heart explains, ‘We experience loneliness when we feel disconnected. At the heart of loneliness is the absence of meaningful social interaction”.

We all need to be deeply connected and feel that we belong no matter what our age. We are social beings and connection is a necessary part of being human. When we need food or water, our body sends us a message through our hunger or thirst, our loneliness is a signal that we need connection. Connection is nourishment too.

Loneliness usually shows up at times of change, uncertainty, or transition – for our kids it may be moving schools or classes, going to university, a change in family circumstances, or the loss of someone we loved. We don’t always realise that low mood, a dip in self-confidence or irritability can be driven by a need for connection.

Children can feel lonely if they haven’t honed their social skills, they feel they don’t fit in or if socialising makes them feel uncomfortable or anxious. When they feel lonely for long periods or can’t seem to find the depth of connection that they need, their mental health can suffer.

How can we help all our kids learn to recognise, acknowledge and manage feelings of loneliness?

1. Talk about loneliness

The more we talk about loneliness with our kids the more we normalise it. Talking about feelings without judgement or shame reminds them that feelings are just what they are – neither good nor bad – just feelings.

There should be no shame in feeling lonely, but loneliness is one of many emotions that we often feel we shouldn’t feel. Our internal voice says, ‘I shouldn’t feel lonely. There must be something wrong with me.”

Noticing and talking about loneliness in other people and ourselves is one way to normalised feelings; ‘I imagine Lilly might feel lonely having moved to a new place. That must feel tough” Keep your conversation light, age appropriate and reassuring – there are times when we all feel lonely. Sharing our own experience can help to start a conversation and put kids at ease. Can you talk about a time when you felt lonely because you didn’t fit in. Perhaps you didn’t feel you really belonged? I remember skipping lunch in high school as I didn’t feel comfortable walking into the bustling lunchroom without someone to sit with. I felt lonely.

Ask your kids, what does loneliness feel like? When do you feel lonely? "Have you ever felt lonely in a room full of people?" (“Dreaming of isolation/loneliness: Dreams - reddit”) Do you think we all lost a bit of social confidence during lock down? What makes you feel better when you feel lonely? Would you rather have lots of friends or a few really close friends?

As Brene Brown points out ‘to help address loneliness, we must first all learn to recognise it’. If we don’t talk about it, we might not know what we’re looking for and we won’t be able to acknowledge it as part of our human experience.

2. Be an Emotion Coach

Being an emotion coach is about tuning into our child, being aware of their feelings and needs, taking the time to see things from their perspective and helping them feel heard. When we emotion coach our kids, we teach them to recognise, understand, express, and ultimately manage all their feelings including loneliness. Emotion Coaching, developed by US relationship expert Dr John Gottman, is a really effective way build vital emotional intelligence in our children.

We want to teach our kids that all emotions are ok, even the uncomfortable ones. When it feels right (when we’re all calm), we can help our kids put their feelings into words and when they are ready, talk gently about possible strategies to manage the situations that might trigger the emotion.

‘You seem a little quiet. I’m wondering whether you might be feeling a bit lonely?’

‘That sounds really tough. I can see how you might feel anxious about going. I remember last time you went to Freddie’s you weren’t really sure, but you had a great time. That was brave.’

‘I’m thinking you’re really missing Emma now that she has moved away. That might make you feel lonely.’

‘I can see you’re really angry, you probably feel hurt and lonely. That’s hard.’

We don’t have to approve of the behaviour, but we want to empathise with and validate how they might feel. Loneliness can sometimes feel like fear. Fear triggers our emotional fight flight freeze response and disconnects us from our rational brain. We need, through emotion coaching’s empathy and validation to calm those fears and help our kids feel safe and understood.

We all have a tendency to dismiss, try and fix the problem or acknowledge without deeply empathising. When we hear or think we see that our child feels lonely, it can be particularly uncomfortable. We don’t want our kids to be sad. We want them to have friends and feel happy. It can also be uncomfortable as it may cause us to remember the uncomfortable feeling of when we have felt lonely ourselves. But we are half of the equation. We need to be open, non-judgemental, curious, and respectful of ALL our children’s feeling, they need to trust us in order to share and off load the tough stuff.

3. Get curious about how your child experiences the world

How else can we help our kids open up about their feelings and feel connected with a deep sense of belonging? It starts with a profound and genuine interest and curiosity on our part in how the world looks and feels to them. Being present might just be the most important part of our job.

Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson’s book The Power of Showing Up is all about the importance of presence for our kids. The simple act of consistently and purposely ‘showing up’ and being present in their lives positively impacts who are kids become and how their brains get wired. It’s important for our kids to know that they can count on us again and again to show up with our full attention and interest, building trust and a feeling of security for them to thrive. Part of thriving is building the self-confidence and resilient to manage the tough emotions like loneliness.

How do our kids experience the world? Our introvert may prefer more intimate social gatherings, be overwhelmed by the hustle bustle of school and need time to chill and decompress on her own. She may be hugely intuitive and perceptive and thrive with fewer but close and meaningful friendships. Knowing this we can work with her to find situations which feel comfortable to build confidence and friendships

Equally, our other child may be more of an extrovert who thrives with and needs people. Goodness lockdown was tough. He still may suffer from loneliness, in fact it may be harder to spot, as he surrounds himself with people but still feels he doesn’t belong. He is also more likely to feel lonely when he is alone and may find it hard to open up as being ‘social’ he’s not supposed to feel lonely.

Because we are present and curious about how our kids experience the world, we are better able to see life from their point of view. We may not agree with it, we may not always understand it, but we need to respect it and from there we are better placed to help and support them.

4. Tiny steps in the right direction.

Taking steps to deal with feelings of loneliness takes courage every step of the way. We need to remind our kids that loneliness is an internal alert that is telling them that they crave connection. They might need to be brave, but we can send the message that we trust and believe in them. Opening up and talking about feeling lonely takes courage as does deciding to take little steps forward towards finding connection.

Take every idea one step at a time:

· Help your child practice their social skills. With younger kids, role plays at home can help If your child finds social interactions difficult. For all kids, getting prepared emotionally as well as practically helps too. Talking through how they might feel as well as what they might do.

· Engage the family –Planning family social activities with cousins, close family, friends, and neighbours can help kid’s feel they belong and boost their social confidence.

· Make a plan - a manageable one – with your child that might be a playdate, a meet up or an activity that they could do with just one friend or in a small group to build that connections muscle and show themselves that they are capable and strong.

· If your child feels they have not found their ‘tribe’ at school, see if there are any activities, they can do outside school that they might enjoy. We all know how great it feels to find friends with a shared interest. Out of school friends can be helpful to dilute some of the intensity of the school setting.

· Help your child find their passion. Putting in time and energy to help your child find that thing they love can reap huge rewards. It’s a great antidote to loneliness, it builds confidence and self-esteem, and the self-motivation tends to spill over into other areas of their life.

· If you feel your child is suffering with loneliness and finding social engagement challenging, if their behaviour has changed or if they have trouble sleeping, talk to their school and their teachers and work together. If their worries are affecting their ability to lead a normal life and interfering with things that they normally enjoy, they may need professional support.

5. Keep Talking about screen time

Much attention has been given to the impact that social media and gaming may have on increasing levels of loneliness and anxiety, especially amongst young people. Social media can certainly magnify and exacerbate the fear of missing out, of not being good enough or not belonging but it can also be a place where kids find interests and friends. Talk to your kids, be open minded and interested and aware of where they hang out online, what they do and how it feels for them. Do they feel better or worse after scrolling through Instagram or checking out where everyone is on Snap Maps? I know how I feel sometimes! It’s all about balance, communication and boundaries. Kids, and all of us, need to socialise in person. For more on healthy screen time, balance, boundaries and what I learned from my own kids, you might like to read this blog that I wrote for US parenting expert Bonnie Harris.

There is stigma around loneliness, yet it is a normal human emotion. Let’s try this week and every week to take it out of the shadows of shame and expose for what it is – a universal experience. How we model our own mental health is vital to our kids. Talking about when we felt or feel lonely and what we do to help manage those feelings sometimes with courage and vulnerability all helps to take the stigma away. Helping our kids feel understood, validated and connected with a sense of belonging is the most important thing we can do to help.

How to help kids find their social mojo

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Tue, 08 Mar 2022 17:02:37 GMT

How to support kids to successfully ease back in to socialising

We can all feel that we get a little 'out of practice' when we have fewer social encounters and social engagements. After two years of on and off again gatherings it can feel strange to get back out there. This can feel especially weird and even stressful for our teens who are developmentally drawn to peer relationships, seek peer approval and feel the heightened importance of their 'social lives.

Whether your child is feeling a bit rusty or dreading the return to full-on social life, some anxiety is normal and there’s a lot we can do to help. It’s important to say that if their worries are affecting their ability to lead a normal life and interfering with things they normally enjoy, they may need professional support.

Our goal is to help our children learn to manage their worries rather than to try and eliminate them. It’s our opportunity to remember that we’re all wired differently, we experience life differently and, as we ease back into full on socialising, we may have different worries or anxieties. It’s our chance to listen, help our children to open up about their feelings and empathise while we support them to be brave.

Read On to find five ways we can help

The 5 point plan for a Happy Calm and Connected Holiday with your kids

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Sun, 06 Feb 2022 20:59:29 GMT

With tired children, frazzled parents and only a short time to catch our breath, how do we get the most from our precious time together and end the break all feeling calmer, more connected and revitalised for the weeks ahead? Thought and preparation, a slower pace and a focus on our children while relinquishing perfection is a good place to start.

Here are our five steps to a relaxed, fun, revitalising and happy half-term.

Read on

The secrets to a happy family holiday

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Mon, 06 Dec 2021 20:54:11 GMT

Christmas is in full swing. The decorations have been up for weeks, the nativity plays, concerts and Christmas lunches are on, the present lists are never-ending and just as we are about to catch our breath, the Christmas school holidays will have begun. All this seems especially precious after our last Covid Christmas and the continued uncertainty of what might lie ahead.

I love Christmas, but under the weight of expectation for a perfect celebration – not to mention the shopping, cooking, creating, pleasing and appeasing – it’s tough to stay relaxed and merry.

But with preparation, a lot of gratitude and a focus on what Christmas celebrations really mean, we can have a wonderful time.

Read on

How to Nurture Motivation and a Growth Mindset in your Kids - the 5 Point Plan

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Tue, 09 Nov 2021 12:02:20 GMT

The guide to using the summer to inspire and nurture motivation

Are your children self-starters or do they need a big push?

Would you like to inspire your child to go the extra mile and embrace a challenge?

Do you wonder about your child reaching their full potential?

What if there were gentle, positive and practical ways you could use the summer months, away from the pressure of the school year, to inspire your children to have initiative, drive and resilience?

What if by noticing the things that they get right, using language that builds their self-confidence and supporting their interests while teaching them to be independent, we were able to nurture, build and ignite their natural internal motivation? Wouldn’t that be worth a try?

One of the first parenting lessons we learn (sometimes the hard way) is that we can’t ‘make’ our children do anything, whether it’s to cooperate, take an interest in something or stretch themselves and try new things. Motivation needs to come from within. There are, however, things we can do, language we can use and an approach we can take that influence our children’s behaviour and their motivations. The summer, while relaxing and having fun, is a great time to give our children these lifelong gifts.

What does motivation look like ?

Motivation is multi-layered and can appear at different times and in different forms. We often find it easier to recognise the qualities and habits of a motivated and internally-driven child than we do to understand why our children don’t feel motivated. We might see resourcefulness, flexibility, an ability to think and act independently with the self-control to manage setbacks, curiosity and a willingness to give things a try and to problem-solve. Motivated children do things for the satisfaction, feeling of accomplishment and to reach a goal rather than for external recognition. Motivation helps each of our children be their best, unique selves – and the good news is that with proper thought, these qualities can be nurtured.

Five ways to nurture motivation in your children:

READ on: https://www.talkeducation.com/NewsItem/220

How to talk to your kids about consent

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Mon, 01 Nov 2021 15:10:53 GMT

It has been a difficult month but we are starting to see the beginning of a vital cultural shift in our attitudes towards woman’s safety, sexual harassment and rape culture – and as parents we have an essential part to play.

The spotlight on women’s safety following the tragic murder of Sarah Everard has caused an outpouring of stories and testimonies of harassment, abuse, assault and misogyny posted anonymously by young people on Everyone’s Invited . Started on Instagram last year by Soma Sara, the movement is committed to tackling rape culture through conversation, education and support. Incredibly and disturbingly, there are now more than 14,000 testimonials by pupils from schools and universities. The movement is having a huge impact and it feels that we are at a critical cultural turning point.

We have an important role to play as part of the solution as c hanging a culture requires all of us to play our part. We need to get good at having frequent tough conversations. We need to get clear on and teach our values and talk about emotions. We need to surround our sons with good role models. We need to create a safe place in our families where our daughters feel safe to speak up and our sons feel they can be part of the solution. Let’s all do what we can to raise good sons and keep our daughters safe.

Read on .... TalkEducationArticle

How to teach kids to cope with worry and anxiety

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Tue, 12 Oct 2021 12:59:57 GMT

Helping kids recognise and manage anxiety is a first step in building resilience

Just one of the lasting impacts of this long period of COVID is that many of our children are suffering from worry and anxiety even though they may not always say so. Some of our children are vocal and tell us that they are struggling but others are communicating to us in the only way they know how, through their behaviour.

Anxiety can show up in different ways, depending in part on the temperament of your child. They may find it hard to concentrate, have trouble sleeping or have bad dreams. They may not be eating; they may be getting angry or irritable quickly or having uncharacteristic outbursts. They may retreat into themselves and not want to talk. It’s normal and understandable during what has been a challenging time when we have been faced with constant uncertainty and change. Children thrive on routine, predictability and security and months, even years, of uncertainty has taken its toll.

On the positive side, we know that one of the constants in life is change. If we make it our job is to help our kids understand and manage these difficult feelings, model coping with our own stress and anxiety during challenging times, and help them feel calm, safe and secure we are helping them build resilience. In a world where the constant is indeed change, resilience remains an important quality for happiness and success.

In any time of turmoil, it’s not unexpected that anxiety, the body’s response to stress, will spring into action. Anxiety is a primitive reflex, an internal alarm system, that helps us identify and respond to danger in ‘fight or flight’ mode. This reflex can be useful when the feelings of apprehension or fear motivate us to face up to difficult challenges. We’ve all experienced the butterflies, adrenaline and sweaty palms before a presentation, a sporting match or a big test. Healthy anxiety comes, does its job and then recedes. This is why an ability to cope with anxiety is key to resilience. However, the risk with the longer term anxiety or the intense worry that comes with the extended uncertainty is that we become overwhelmed, unable to engage our thinking brains, to relax and recover.

When our kids feel anxious our parental reflexes tell us to step in, to help, to fix and to try and take the feeling away. We are coming from a place of love and protection but we can unknowingly make matters worse. If instead we help our kids understand that these feelings are normal and proactively show them ways to cope, we are helping them navigate whatever life throws at them and teaching them a key life skill.

Here are a few things to help your child learn to cope:

1. Help kids to manage their anxiety and worry rather than eliminate it. The goal is to help kids to tolerate and get through anxiety and when we try and play down, dismiss, push aside and deny the feelings with ‘you have nothing to worry about’ we can make them feel worse. Instead, we want to talk about how their minds, in fact their primitive emotional brains, are working hard to keep them safe but that this can at times be unhelpful and overprotective. We can explain how they might feel - butterflies in their tummy, their heart beating faster, their brains feeling too alert at the wrong time - and that these are normal responses that their brain sends their bodies when it is in self-preservation mode. The goal is not to ignore or eliminate the anxiety but rather show our kids that they can learn to acknowledge it and manage it with our help.

2. Use positive language. Focusing on all the things that our kids get right and expressing realistic expectations will build their self–esteem and put them in a stronger place to manage their uncomfortable feelings. We want to notice and point out all the times they are working hard to cope: “you recognised that you were starting to feel anxious. You slowed down and took some deep breaths. That is really taking charge of your feelings.” Acknowledge all the little things they do right: “Thank you for asking how I am. That's really considerate.” This ‘descriptive praise’ bolsters self-esteem and a vital sense of competence. Directly in response to anxiety, we can acknowledge how well they are managing, such as deciding to take themselves off to do some exercise or jump on the trampoline: “that showed real determination to get on top of your anxiety, I hope that helped”.

3. Name it to Tame it. Anxiety is an emotional reaction. We can help our kids learn to manage these big emotions by watching closely and noticing and describing their feelings. This is what Dan Siegel, author and psychiatrist, coined “Name it to Tame it”. When we notice and then describe the emotion, we jump start the executive or rational brain. This calms the primitive emotional brain and helps our kids learn that they can get back to calm and manage these big feelings. This works with us as well. Parents who “reflectively listen” to their children teach them that all feelings, however uncomfortable, are acceptable (although some behaviours may not be) and that is the first step in learning to manage emotions. “I'm wondering if you're feeling worried about going on the bus. It's daunting when you feel you have to make friends all over again." Giving voice to the feelings doesn’t highlight or exacerbate them but rather normalises them. When you acknowledge that these feelings exist and validate them, your child is in a better place to learn to take control. “I know this is very hard for you. You are anxious about when you’ll see Granny again. You miss Friday afternoons in her kitchen. I get that”. Just letting them share and talk about their fears and emotions can help them process the feelings, reinforce that they do not need to struggle alone and help them to a place from where they can start to problem solve.

4. Take small steps. We want to set things up so our children are more likely to succeed. Helping our kids to work through situations and experiences one step at a time builds competence, confidence, independence and self-esteem. It's vital to take things at a slower pace – one very small step at a time. Perhaps your son thrived at home without the stresses of the school corridor or lunch room. Sit down with him at a calm quiet time, empathise and engage and ask him what he is might try to help make lunch time less worrying such as find a friend to go with him or join a club that meets over lunch. Listen. Perhaps your daughter seems more anxious about making mistakes. Ignore as much as you can the small things and focus on one thing at a time. Start with mornings and work with her to set up a system to help her remember all she needs to take to school. Small steps mean success which builds competence and vital confidence and puts kids in a better place to manage stress.

5. Focus on solutions. So often kids get caught in a negative feedback loop and focus on their fears. Talking through situations and supporting them to come up with their own solutions can calm their worried brains. If we can move them from a focus on the anxiety to telling themselves that they don’t have to listen to the noise in their heads, they will be working towards solutions and learning to manage their internal voice. “Tell me a little more about that worry. Let’s break that down and see if it is completely right. How can we take that worry that I know you are feeling and turn it into a positive thought?” “I know you are worried about that. I get that. Can you think what small steps you can take?”

6. Model how you manage your own anxiety . Kids pick up on our vibes. If we show that we are worried, they will think that they should be worried as well. We don’t want to deny that we are concerned but we can put extra effort into taking a more positive, problem solving, proactive approach to your own anxieties. We can explain to our kids that we sometimes get hijacked by our thoughts and we need to be brave and put ourselves back in charge by doing things that we have control over such as getting exercise, taking time out, having fun time with family or helping others.

7. “I am here to help.” This is the most effective phrase that we can use with our kids as we work through worry and anxiety. They need to know that they are not alone and that you are in it together. “I know you feel anxious. I am here to help.” It is important to seek professional help if you feel your child is suffering, you are worried for their safety or if their mental health is impacting their enjoyment of life. They are not alone. The waiting lists for professional help have never been longer. In the meantime, there is much we can do for all our children through our presence and helping them feel secure and strongly and deeply connected and attached to us. We do this by sending the message “I am here”, remaining calm, acknowledging them, understanding them and being positive and consistent.

This continues to be a challenging time. We want to remember to slow down, be present and manage our expectations about our children and help them feel safe, understood and secure. We are being given the opportunity to be more honest and open about the difficult feelings and emotions that we are all experiencing. The more we talk about the purpose of anxiety and our body’s response to it, the more our kids will be equipped to cope and be resilience.

5 steps to a happy return to school

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Wed, 18 Aug 2021 11:49:57 GMT

How to get the emotional preparation right

The days are getting shorter, the pencil cases are on display and it’s time to think about the new school year. Whether your children are heading back to a familiar place or starting a new school, there is much that we can do over the coming weeks to help our children be emotionally and practically prepared. Through helping our kids express their feelings, guiding them to plan ahead, building their confidence and reinforcing the connection, we set them up to thrive at what may well be another uncertain transition back in to the classroom.

Read my five practical steps to help you get prepared.

READ ON

Your Summer Survival Guide

Wed, 14 Jul 2021 13:01:27 GMT

5 Top Tips to make your family summer dream a reality

I used to think of the long summer school holidays with a potent mixture of elation and utter panic.

How was I going to keep my three kids busy? How was I going to manage the endless squabbles and competing interests? How was I going to get them off their screens or out of bed? How was I going to make sure they kept reading, caught up on things, learned new skills and were engaged? While all this was going on, how was I going to give them memories of a fun and wonderful summer together while staying cool and calm? It's exhausting just thinking about.

With my youngest finishing school this month, its a good time to reflect on what I've learned over the last 18 summers that my three kids have been in school.

Sure, the summer can be a great and much needed time to catch up on things, hone or learn new skills and for older kids, get a job, but the summer holidays, away from the frantic schedules and pressure of school life, is about deeply reconnecting with our families, taking many moments to make memories and giving kids the all too precious time to explore, think, relax, recharge, and have fun.

An impossible dream? Perhaps but with some thought and forward planning, you can set yourselves up for a fun, relaxed, productive summer and feel closer as a family by the time school rolls around.

Try these 5 top tips:

1. Set up for Success

So much of success is in the planning. Plan to start as you mean to go on by involving the kids, no matter what their age, in talking about your summer. Managing everyone's expectations is a vital ingredient to success. It's usually when our expectations are out of kilter with reality that we loose our cool.

Hold a family meeting to talk about ideas, plans, family traditions and everyone's 'wish list' as well as the seemingly more mundane. Family meetings are a great way to give kids a voice, let them know their input is welcomed and respected while learning about collaboration, listening and teamwork. Give someone the job of recording the wish lists: perhaps a sports or art camp, camping out and bonfires, building a den, creating a garden, picnics in new places or just hanging out with friends and share ideas on how you can incorporate as many of your wishes as you can.

Put family responsibilities on the agenda - how are you going to share the jobs around the house? Are there jobs which are paid (mowing the lawn?) and others which are just part of family life (taking out the recycling, the dishwasher and tidying their rooms)? Agreeing on who does what when and how includes what happens if the agreement is not respected. Remember to listen and empathise with your children’s feelings around how hard, uncomfortable or just plain annoying doing jobs can be! Be Be confident and remember that the research shows that giving kids the responsibility for household chores is an important contributor to their success in life.

I have always found it easier to stay calm and embrace and enjoy the moments with my kids when I know that we've agreed on when they'll tidy their bedrooms , how to manage screen time and how they decide whose turn it is to do the washing up. Setting up for success helps us manage our expectations by helping us think and work through both the practicalities and the emotions.

2. Keep the routine

Just because it's summer there's no need to throw caution to the wind along with all your routines. Kids thrive on routine and structure with clear, consistently boundaries. We can remind kids positively that the family rules and routines still apply. This doesn’t mean that we're completely rigid, we love a bit of spontaneity and some of our most precious memories are from the whacky spur of the moment things we have done but the table still needs to be set, kids still need to speak respectfully to their siblings and they need to get to bed at a reasonable hour (without their phones in their rooms!). A great way to balance structure with spontaneity and fun is to commit to doing one thing a day that you all enjoy - having supper as a picnic, reading your bedtime story in the den, playing table tennis before dark, working on your wish lists. It doesn't need to be complicated, intense or long, it's about spending relaxed time together, connecting and making memories.

It's especially important to keep to sleep routines. By all means adjust the morning but it’s good to remember that we never fully make up the sleep lost from a late night and that means that our kids behaviours may well deteriorate. We're ALL calmer, happier and more relaxed on a good night’s sleep. The change back at the end of the summer will be that much harder if our kids sleep schedules are all over the place.

3. Focus on the positive

Deeply reconnecting with our families, taking moments to make memories and remind each of our children what we love about their unique selves are all part of this precious time we have together. One of the most effective tools we have to create a calm, positive and respectful atmosphere while nurturing each child's self confidence, their sense of self while instilling a growth mindset is to notice and describe the positives that we see.

We call this Descriptive Praise . The words we use have the power to transform our relationships as well as our kids’ motivation while boosting their self-esteem. Descriptive Praise is about focusing on the effort, the improvement, the attitude rather than the end result. It takes effort and a lot of practice on our part and what better time than over the summer to get to work! We all have a negative bias - it was helpful as we were evolving - but it means we are programmed to notice what's wrong rather than what is right. This means that it takes energy and focus to pay attention to the positives and get in the habit of reframing what we see.

Descriptive praise is a powerful building block to positive parenting. It works because it's credible; we're describe exactly what we see:

"You remembered to put the blocks back where they live. We''ll know where to find them tomorrow" rather than using superlative language such as "what a clever boy!"

Descriptive praise helps improve cooperation as we teach and coach our children in the behaviours that we're looking for:

"Thanks for putting your phone away while we're talking." " I love that you two are calmly sorting out who'll choose the film tonight. That's cooperation and a huge improvement!"

It builds and reinforces our children's confidence in themselves when they hear us noticing and appreciating their qualities and unique gifts:

"I love that you are so gentle with the baby." "You're really persevering with that puzzle." " You're really tired but you still told Emily that you would help her - that's really considerate. "

Our kids feel trusting and connected to us when we take the time to focus on all the things they get right, when we are the sincere cheerleader in their corner who smiles every time they enter the room.

This summer over ride your instinct to point out all the things they get wrong:

“How many times do I have to ask you to set the table?” and instead focus on what they get right ‘thanks for remembering that I said 6pm is supper time. What do you need to do now?”

Acknowledge and encourage good times, connection and good behaviour by getting into the habit of giving attention to all the little things they get right this summer.

4. Give your kids a sense of autonomy .

Summer is a great time to help your kids practice (age appropriate) independence. We all have an urge to micro manage and we do it from a good place; perhaps we're fixing a problem, helping our kids avoid mistakes or just saving precious time. Key to intrinsic motivation, doing something because you believe in your own goals, rather than to make someone else happy, are autonomy and agency.

If we start with the premise that parents should not be doing something for their children that they can do themselves, there are endless opportunities to let them do, to let them learn (often from their mistakes) and to let them fly this summer.

What are the things that your children can be doing for themselves? From the seemingly simple - choosing their own clothes to he the more complicated - planning a trip - supporting and teaching our kids to think, plan and do things for themselves is a gift.

Unless we have a plan, I don't make lunch in the summer and as long as there is something in the fridge, they do a great job of feeding themselves some more creatively than others. Long gone are the days of emptying laundry baskets. Kids learn to put their clothes in the wash and not having just the shirt they want to wear is a great reminder for the next time. I agree on the timescale for a job getting done, so I can step back from nagging, but the details can be left to them.

Trust them, offer help and advice (when they ask for it) but let them do what they can do for themselves. The rewards are great - they learn self -sufficiency, problem solving, goal setting and have the satisfaction of having done things themsleves. All great traits that instill motivation and spill over into other areas of their lives.

5. Moments make memories

Shared mealtimes, fewer hours on screens and muddling through being bored together all help us feel closer. Feeling closer and connected is where I want to be when the autumn term rolls around. We need to make a concerted effort to make ourselves available, to be there for our kids and often we need to be the instigator. And yes it is harder now that we all have a screen in one hand. I remind myself daily that parenting is 80% modelling. Our kids are observing and absorbing all that we do and say. I find it empowering but also overwhelming. Am I checking my Instagram while someone is trying to talk to me? Am I scrolling when I should be doing something else?

One of my favourite birthday presents (that I gave myself) was the table tennis table. It sits outside the kitchen window in the summer and when we're in the kitchen its so easy to say ' Quick game?" and 15 minutes later we're still playing together. The best part is that it's hard (although not impossible!) to play while checking Snap Chat or watching the latest TikTok of Jack Grealish.

Routinely making and sharing family meals together whether a picnic, BBQ or a pancake breakfast can be a priceless part of being together. Research shows that when families eat together regularly, children are more likely to be emotionally strong, be well adjusted, have good manners, broader vocabulary, communication skills and feel connected to their families. Summer meals, when we are a little less rushed, are a great time to foster empathy, the art of listening and just enjoying each other’s company.

None of my kids spent hours practicing sport, starting a business or reading 100's of books but I do think that we succeeded in reconnecting and having fun. The hours of playing table tennis and tennis, cooking, watching films, in the car and just being together seem to have been enough. They are young adults now and I am still revelling in their company.. long live the summer

Raising your persistent, determined and independent child

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Thu, 27 May 2021 15:38:24 GMT

The 5 point plan for calmly parenting a strong character and raising a wonderful adult

How can we confidently and calmly bring out the best in our persistent, strong, determined children … and raise great adults?

“The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will and the other comes from a strong won’t” Henry Ward Beecher

I often ask parents what qualities they’d like to see in their kids as adults.

What would you say?

Integrity, persistence, determination, independence, courage are usually included on the list.

Research may helpfully tell us that these are exactly the qualities that predict future success but they’re also strong qualities that can be a real challenge to live with day to day in your 5, 7 or 13-year-old child!

These kids are often misunderstood. We see their persistence as uncooperative. We see their integrity as argumentative. We see their determination as selfish. And if our kids take after us, if we have a similar temperament, we can find ourselves in an endless battle of wills.

Life with a persistent, determined, independent minded child is a constant tug of war. It’s a daily soundtrack of “I’m not done yet!", "I can do it myself”, “I’m not going!” and tiptoeing across a whole lot of eggshells - It’s exhausting.

Can we avoid the constant power struggles? Can we teach these amazing kids to make the most of their strengths? Can we find ways to confidently and calmly keep our boundaries? The good news is - we can!!

All kids need to feel heard, understood and have clear boundaries but especially these persistent kids. It’s our job to tune into their needs while we teach them collaboration, empathy, teamwork and that we mean what we say. It isn’t easy but the rewards are great! Managed with thought and care we will raise a strong, independent, creative, determined, capable and resilient adult.

Try these 5 strategies to bring out the best in your spirited child :

1. Coach don’t control – No one likes to be controlled and it's fuel to the fire of the strong-willed child. Think of yourself as the coach modelling and teaching collaboration, empathy, respect and problem solving while confidently setting clear limits.

"I can see that you’re really stuck into that game. Wow you are on level 6 already! It’s supper time in 20 minutes and you need to set the table. What’s your plan?”

Your confident clarity lets your child know that if he chooses not to finish when you have respectfully given him plenty of warning (as previously agreed), he has chosen to give up his game time tomorrow (as you previously agreed). You are respectfully giving him a clear instruction, asking what his plan is and letting him choose the outcome.

2. Stop and listen to understand – We don’t have to agree but we need to take the time to tune into their perspective. Our kids need to know that we care, that they are unconditionally loved and that we are trying really hard to understand. This is a collaborative skill that we want our children to learn, and we want to model it well.

“You know what you want. Let me understand what’s important to you about this.”

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if more people tried to understand each other’s perspective and point of view? What a great skill to teach our kids and especially those determined, persistent independent ones.l

3. Put yourself in their shoes - Respect their temperament and their view of the world. Think about how they feel and will react to situations. How can you help them anticipate and prepare themselves? When I stopped 'hoping' that things would go well for my persistent children if I quickly and gently pushed or pulled them along, and started instead to think hard about how they would feel and respond to situations and took the time to prepare them, our lives changed. We had less drama, we had more respect and connection, we learned to anticipate and set things up so that they were more likely to go well, both emotionally and practically.

4 . Problem solves together . Brainstorm solutions (the older they are the more we want them to take the lead). Work on how you can both get your needs met:

‘You want your phone because you like to listen to music and it’s your alarm. It’s important to me that you get enough sleep. Let’s work on a solution that works for both of us. “

5. Find ways to say YES! Choosing your battles - there will be times we need to confidently say NO but life with all our kids is easier if we can see how many ways we can say YES!! "Yes, you can choose what you’d like to wear.” “Yes, you can finish the game when you have set the table.” ” Yes, you can take the car and go and see Daisy when you’ve put your laundry away.” ‘Yes let’s !" YES YES!!! I remember my youngest getting dressed for nursery. She had very strong views about most things including what she wanted to wear. Once I got over the fact that my little red headed daughter would choose the orange t-shirt with the kangaroo to go with the red skirt and long green football socks, our mornings became much more pleasant. The teacher usually remarked “Elizabeth, I see you dressed yourself this morning!” My daughter is a creative dresser to this day! Yes, Yes and YES !

Confidence, clarity, consistency and understanding in our approach helps raise determined, assertive, independent, empathetic adults.. one day at a time.

Holiday Heaven - How to shift from stress to success with your kids this holiday

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Thu, 27 May 2021 15:01:38 GMT

The 5 point plan for a successful school holiday

Another school holiday and the end of term is in sight!!

You may be excited to be getting away from the pressure of the school routine (and perhaps the sun might even shine) or perhaps you’ve just found your grove at work after months of plate spinning and you’re wondering how you’re going to juggle it all again over the holiday.

No matter how you're feeling, here are 5 tried and tested strategies to help you use the holiday to recharge, relax and reconnect with your family all of which will put you in a good place to embrace the last few weeks of school – or for those year 11 and 13 kids, to celebrate the end of assessments and get set up for a great summer ahead.

1. Have a Plan – Prioritising and planning your family time together, even if it’s during just one week, will help make sure it happens. Investing energy in setting priorities saves precious time, keeps us on track and reduces family hotspots. It’s hard to stay calmly in charge when we’re reacting as things happen around. Getting everyone involved in the planning is key as it’s respectful, always results in more fun ideas and helps ensure buy in while teaching cooperation, collaboration and compromise.

Planning and preparation include anticipating the hotspots. Knowing or expecting that you might get the cry of “there’s nothing to do in this house (that isn’t on a screen!)” or “you’re always working” or "there’s no good food in the fridge” helps us stay cool and calm as we’re ready and can plan ahead!

A few ideas: put a schedule on the wall to talk through and remind everyone of your work commitments. Set up an accessible family cupboard designated for ‘stuff to do’ full of glue, paper, cork, paint, stencils, paint etc. that you have set up together. Your kids can write a list of ‘stuff to do” when they have some time to themselves. Come up with a family meal plan for the week and share out the prep or cooking. Have a wish list of fun things to work on together.

When it comes to planning it’s especially important to plan, communicate and be consistent with screen time. Without a plan set out in advance we can only imagine finding kids on screens all over the house with the inevitable disagreements about the where, when and for how long. This usually descends into nagging, repeating and the odd raised voice. Screen time is all about balance and family values. It may be that you decide together in advance that mealtime and bedrooms at night are no screen zones. A plan includes setting limits consistently and respectfully. For lots more on managing screen time and avoiding the battles see my article.

Restorative, relationship building family fun time doesn’t always just happen, we need to set up for a successful time together by taking the time to plan, collaborate and to communicate.

2. Manage your expectations : Part of planning is managing expectations. Frustration and emotion can arise when our expectations and reality are out of synch. When we let go of unhelpful expectations, we’re more likely to embrace and enjoy the moment. It’s said that expectations are disappointments waiting to happen. When our expectations aren’t met (why can’t they just get along? Why was I not more organised with the food? Why can’t they get off their screens? Why can’t they just amuse themselves for half an hour so I can finish this work?) we don’t feel good.

When we feel let down, anxious or cross, when we get emotional, we flip our lids and end up in fight, flight, freeze mode – our fuse is shorter, our reasoning less clear and we are certainly less likely to respond calmly and compassionately to our kids. When we feel this happening, and we know the signs - perhaps our heart beats a little faster, our shoulders tense or our wrists clench up a little - if we can pause and take a long slow breath we give ourselves time to choose a response. We engage our rational thoughts rather than reacting from an emotional stance.

We can still have high expectations for our children but we need to incorporate a strong dose of reality into the mix and be proactive. For example, some of the push back we get from our kids is because they have a different agenda to ours. It’s normal for an 8-year-old to prefer to play Lego than immediately jump up when we ask and get ready go to the shops. To expect our child, who may find transitions challenging, to down tools and jump to it to fit into our agenda is unrealistic. When instead we take the time to prepare him up in advance (“We’re off at 10. That’s in 30 minutes”), calmly empathise that it is tough (“I know you’d rather and finish that car”) and respectfully see things from his point of view (“I bet you wish you could stay here on your own”), he’s more likely to cooperate. It may take a longer but a little dose of reality may be all we need to remain calm, helpful and compassionate.

3. Be present - In a world where we are over scheduled and attached to screens, being fully present for our kids becomes more challenging but more important. Holiday time is a great moment to practice. Our family is going to feel calmer and more connected when we know what makes our kids tick. How are we going to understand the inner workings of their world unless we take it upon ourselves to be present for them? Without presence, how can we ensure that we are curious, interested and fully engaged in their lives?

We know that presence and connection are vital for the wellbeing of our children and research continues to underscore the importance of our presence in their healthy development.

Dan Siegel and Tanya Bryson’ s book: The Power of Showing Up draws on the field of attachment research and reveals that parental presence - how a parent is open to and focused on the inner life of the child - is the best predictor of how emotionally and socially resilient a child will be as they develop into young adults. They describe how this parent-child relationship helps foster a secure attachment by providing the four S’s of being seen, soothed, and safe to cultivate security.

All the research shows that children who have secure attachments are more likely to develop this resilience that is vital to our children’s health, happiness and success.

It is empowering to know that showing up for our kids has such an impact. If we are rushing from pillar to post during the holiday, when we have the greatest chance of being together, we are missing an opportunity to be present.

When we say present, we mean fully present and showing curiosity about what makes our children tick. No multitasking allowed! Scientists have demonstrated that our brains cannot do two things simultaneously, rather it switches from one task to the next. This switching takes time, energy and comes at the cost of our focus. Saying that we are fully focused and present on the conversation that we are having with our son whilst we are checking our text is an impossibility!

Fully present means slowing down, fully engaging and treasuring the moment. We build the connection with our kids and deepen the relationship when we send the message that there is nothing else we would rather be doing this holiday than spending time with them.

4. Sort the sibling struggles – More time together means more sibling spats. All siblings fight and argue. It’s a normal and even healthy part of growing up. We can expect that a week together may provide plenty of opportunities for sibling outbursts.

It's great to know that it’s not our job to fix, shut down or mediate every sibling disagreement. That should already help us relax a little! Our job is to be the non-judgmental objective coach rather than the referee and as much as we can, let our kids figure it out.

Clearly we need to intervene if things escalate, but when we ignore the low-level bickering and focus on helping our kids learn rather than giving out the yellow card, they’ll take on board that we have faith in their ability to find compromise and solve the problem.

‘I see two kids who want to watch two different films on the same night. I’m in charge of the popcorn. Let me know what you decide before we leave for the park this morning. I’ll be in the kitchen if you need my help.”

I used to jump in and accuse my young son of starting almost every altercation - he was more physical and more reactive than his younger sisters. Years later they all let on that most of the time the girls had wound him up – they knew exactly how to set him off and I reacted unhelpfully to his outbursts. If I had taken a deep breath, remained neutral and responded calmly, I could have helped to deescalate and calm the situation rather than contributing to the heightened emotions and negative feelings.

The best way to handle sibling squabbles is to lessen the chances of them happening in the first place. If we focus our energy on making the most of this precious holiday time we have together, fully present, calm and connected, it is much less likely that our kids will need to seek attention and have their needs met through heated sibling struggles.

For more on helping siblings get along and building stronger sibling relationships read our article.

5. It is not about perfection - There is no such thing as a perfect holiday, the perfect parent or perfect kids. It’s about good enough, being ourselves and remembering that we are all human. Our kids don’t want perfection they want us.

Being realistic, planning and putting the joy of the moment at the forefront while being present for our kids is a great start. There will always be low parenting moments. When things don’t go to plan, when we lose it with our kids or perhaps when something else we just must do gets in the way, we can be honest.

“I’m just exhausted. I am sorry that I haven’t been there for you today. I am going to get up and finish my work early tomorrow morning. What would you like to do later?” “Wow I didn’t mean to shout at you. I let my worries get the better of me and I am so sorry.” “I can see that you’re upset. We should have set out clearly what we needed to get done and agreed it well in advance so that you could manage your computer time. Let’s make sure that we talk through our weekend plans together”

When we show vulnerability, we are teaching our kids that it’s ok to make mistakes and that we can repair, problem solve and move on. We are after all doing the best we can with what we’re working with in the moment.

Finally, when we are realistic and proactively seek joy in the moment with presence we are all much more likely to end the holiday feeling calm, recharged and reconnected. Enjoy your holiday!!

The Five Point Plan for Supporting your Child through Exams and Assessments

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Fri, 07 May 2021 12:03:37 GMT

How to relieve anxiety and keep kids motivated and calm

Exam season is an anxiety filled time for any child. This year things are different but no less stressful. Now matter how we ptich it, the reality remains that assessments are the culmination of years of work, there is much riding on the results and our kids feel the pressure.

The question then is what can we do to help relieve the anxiety and stress and help our kids feel calmly supported and loved and help them be in a place where they feel motivated to try their best?

I share my five top tips in my latest article for Talk Education based on years of experience supporting my kids through endless exams and assessments as well as my conversations with Year 13 students themselves about what they need from us this year, and in any year..

Read on in Talk Education

Five steps to transforming the relationship with your child

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Thu, 01 Apr 2021 21:08:12 GMT

The step by step guide to making the most out of your time together

One of the most powerful yet seemingly simple things that we can do is to spend one on one with our children, no matter what their age. In our busy lives, 5 to 10 minutes with each child may feel hard to find, but the benefits can be extraordinary.

Research from the American Academy of Pediatrics shows us that developmentally appropriate play (unstructured, screen free, relaxed time) with parents not only supports the development of emotional intelligence, social, cognitive, language and self-regulation skills but also helps form the safe, stable and nurturing relationships that kids need to thrive. Wow!

This special time lets us tune in to and truly discover each of our children. Our kids in turn feel seen, heard, accepted and loved uniquely – all of which builds their sense of self, self-esteem and resilience. As Collett Smart, a registered psychologist, educator and author of They’ll be Okay points out, “Using a homogenised approach that fits all our kids works about as well as the ‘one-size-fits-all’ [jumpers] fit our bodies. The small intimacies that are unique to the way you parent a particular child at a particular time of life are more likely to appear during one-on-one time.” That is magic.

One on one time helps improve behaviour. Connected time with our children often lets us tune into the little things so that our child doesn’t have to let us know that something is amiss through big emotions or misbehaviours. Our children feel secure, respected and unconditionally loved and are less likely to seek attention in less desirable ways.

I admire the work of John Gottman who points out that relationships work at their best when our emotional bank accounts are in good shape. We are making deposits in our children’s emotional bank accounts with child focused unstructured time together. When we uphold a boundary or set a limit we dip into our child’s full emotional bank account but we can still keep the relationship strong. Dipping into an empty account is much more challenging.

Here are five tips to make Special Time part of your family tradition:

1. Start with small steps : Just five minutes can make a difference. Start perhaps with a commitment to saying good night to each of your children (no matter what the age as long as they go to bed before you do!). Ask them if they would like to read, chat or play a short game. Connect Four was a favourite on our house. With older children, we can ask to come in and say goodnight, but a back rub, nail painting, or help tidying their room might be more appropriate. Knowing they will have this time, they are likely to save things they want to share about their day. These little times all add up to a strong relationship.

2. Be consistent : Make it a family ritual. Call it ‘special time’ if you like for younger children and make it sacred. Make the necessary preparations to ensure it happens. For example share with your partner so that you each have time with your child. Our children feel deeply valued when they know that nothing comes in the way of our time together and that there is no where else we would rather be than with them.

3. Drop the reins : Make the time fun and interactive and child, rather than parent, led. Kicking a football, colouring together, baking, playing with the dog, painting nails, or going for a coffee. Its about relaxing, screen free time to share. Children feel empowered when we show a real interest in what they love and we are willing to drop the reins. You have no idea what you might learn!

4. Give your FULL attention : Don’t interrupt this time by looking at a phone, checking your email or browsing the Sky TV Guide. Listen fully and be led. This is also great modelling for our children. When we listen carefully to the little things makes it more likely that they will tell us the big things when they need to. Being fully present and engaged is especially helpful for the child who is more introverted and who may stand in the shadow of a more extroverted or spirited sibling.

5. Never take it away. However disappointed we are with our child’s behaviour, we never use this one on one time as a consequence or take this time away. This special individual time is a critical building block to address all misbehaviour. It's precisely this time with us that they need to address the feelings behind the behaviour.

When our kids know that we are prioritising spending individual time with them, it can change our relationship while boosting their self-esteem and building trust. Giving children our undivided and uninterrupted attention validates them as important individuals which builds their feeling of self-worth. One on one time lets them feel connected to a family but also to each of their parents independently. We develop intimacies, shared memories and insight that will support us through the ups and downs as they change and develop. Our gift of time makes our child feel valued, needed, secure and unconditionally loved.

5 top tips for a successful return to school

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Thu, 04 Mar 2021 12:01:29 GMT

Helping your child feel successful confident and resilient

After close to a year spent mostly at home, the big return to school next week will feel strange for us all.

Most children will be relieved to be back, but others may well feel overwhelmed, anxious – or a mixture of both.

How can we as parents best support our children over the weeks ahead?

Here are 5 tips in my article for Talk Education to help you manage the latest transition from lockdown to something that my be approaching normality.

TalkEducation

How to Help our Children be Hopeful

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Thu, 04 Feb 2021 21:16:01 GMT

Hope can be nurtured

It's Children's Mental Health Week and the theme this year is 'express yourself'. There has never been a more important time to help children talk about how they're feeling. Self Expression plays a key role in building a sense of hope and purpose, and is a vital part of children's mental health.

My blog this month for the team at Talk Education is all about nurturing hope and w e can all use a little hope. Hopefulness has a huge impact on mental health, well being, relationships and overall success, especially in tough times. Children who are hopeful are more optimistic, more satisfied, more resilient, have a feeling of control over their lives, are problem solvers and have stronger self- esteem.

Read on to see how we can nurture hope in our children at Talk Education

Express Yourself - 5 ways to help kids express their authentic selves

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Tue, 26 Jan 2021 11:21:48 GMT

Helping kids creatively express who they are and how they feel helps them feel good

This week, is Children’s Mental Health Week run by Place2Be, the children’s mental health charity that provides counselling and mental health support and training in UK schools.

They have chosen Express Yourself as this year’s theme– focusing on how kids can use creativity to share their feelings, thoughts and ideas. This is about helping our kids find ways to show who they are, and how they see the world, that can help them feel good about themselves.

I wanted to give some thought to how creativity and feeling seen and understood can help our kids feel good during this extremely tough time.

We know that the uncertainty and hopelessness many feel is taking its toll. Some parents tell me that they notice their children are more withdrawn, on edge or seem just flat. Siblings are arguing (more than usual!), teens are feeling unmotivated and parents are exhausted trying to keep going. Finding ways to help us all feel good about ourselves, see hope in the future and feel connected and supported by our families and community is vital.

Here are 5 ideas to help our kids to express themselves and feel heard doing things that make them feel good!

1. You don’t have to BE creative to create - I always say that I don’t have a creative bone in my body but I do love the process. Not long ago I signed up for a life drawing class, in the day when we could go out, and the experience was overwhelming. It was one of the toughest things I've done but not only did I learn a new skill, the improvement from that first line of charcoal to something that reflected my vision of what was in front of me felt truly amazing.

This isn’t about me, but it’s about the importance of embracing the process. We would love to send the message to our children that the way they choose to express themselves has few limitations. They don’t have to be creative to create. Drawing is not only for the artist, singing for the singer or drama for actor– it’s not about the result, it’s about how it makes you FEEL. Pointing out the effort, little steps and the joy in giving things a go tells our kids that it’s the process that is important. “I love the green you chose.”’ I love that you gave that a try.” ’It’s fun to make something that we can all enjoy!”

2. ' Special time' is a special time to get creative – Children spell love as T-I-M-E. Child led one on one time is one of the best things we can do to get connected to our kids, to improve behaviour and help kids manage their feelings. Letting our kids take the lead and choose what we do together lets them know that what they think is important – especially positive for kids who like to feel in charge. Sending the message that there is nowhere else we would rather be and no one else we would rather be with, is powerful.

Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson's book The Power of Showing Up is all about the importance of presence for our kids. The simple act of consistently and purposely ' showing up' and being present in their lives positively impacts who are kids become and how their brains get wired. It' s important for our kids to know that they can count on us again and again to show up with our full attention, building trust and a feeling of security to thrive. Why not spend this special time together, whatever their age, supporting their creative ideas, interests and passions? I do draw the line at making TikTok videos!

3. Model expressing yourself – We say that 80% of parenting is modelling. Children watch, listen and take on board all that we do and say. I find this to be comforting and also slightly daunting. If we can make time, which may take some discipline, to do things that make us feel good and find ways to express our honest thoughts, feelings and ideas, our children take on board that self expression is not only important but a vital part of good mental health and wellbeing.

We can show our kids that things that make us feel good may not be things that come naturally or that we feel we are "good" at. Whether its cooking, drawing, writing, singing, what we chose to wear - revel in the joy it brings you. Try out new things and express yourself in ways that feel authentic. It doesn’t always have to feel comfortable (like my life drawing) or predictable. Working outside our comfort zone, learning and expressing are great feelings and values to share and this is, after all, how we grow.

4. Support their individuality - Kids need to feel safe, seen and secure in order to express who they really are. Showing who you are can expose your vulnerability and you need to be brave. Our kids need to know that no matter what side of themselves they chose to show, they will be met with unconditional love and acceptance. This is our job - to create a space where they feel comfortable, understood and respected enough to be their authentic selves.

We need to be good observers and listeners too. Kids don't always know how to put their emotions into words. Their emotions can come out through what they DO. Their behaviour might be all that we see - after all behaviour is a communication. What our kids do and what they don’t do is an expression of how they're feeling and if we can get curious about what is driving the behaviour, we’ll learn more about the feelings underneath. We want to do all we can to help our kids express their true feelings, thoughts and ideas so they feel heard, understood and safe. When our kids feel we are interested in who they are, not just what they are, they'll feel more connected.

Listening, empathising and helping our kids understand that ALL feelings are ok, it’s the behaviour that sometimes needs redirecting, helps children feel secure and comfortable in exploring and expressing their unique selves. If we can help them express themselves and find their unique voice, they build their self- esteem and resilience and it feels good!

5. Let’s get practical and set up for creative success . I know we are all exhausted and the thought of having to arrange and organise our kids to get creative and express themselves might sound like a step too far. But a little planning can make all the difference. Here are a few ideas (age dependent):

a). Get together when everyone is relaxed and has a little time – perhaps over ice cream -and brain storm for creative ideas that they would each like to try. Be open minded and make a list that you put somewhere visible.

b). Collect household articles and put them in one easy to reach space – corks, glue, paper, cardboard, beads, toothpicks, small canvases, pastels, stamps, knitting needles, dressing up etc. It’s much easier to get the creative juices flowing when everything is accessible and in one place.

c). What would you like to try? Ask you kids, no matter their age, what they might like to try if they had time. Help them make it happen. They just might have a little time at the moment to follow a new passion or try something different. Don’t forget that you can try something that makes you feel good too!

d). Have a good debate - Discuss the idea of self- expression - what does it mean? How can it help us feel good about ourselves? How does social media impact our ability to express our true selves? What stops people from expressing who they feel they really are. How can we create a place where everyone feels comfortable to express who they are?

d), For more information, resources and ideas visit https://www.childrensmentalhealthweek.org.uk/

The Forced March

Thu, 14 Jan 2021 20:29:16 GMT

Five Steps to Greater Cooperation

The forced march is what our son called our family walks.

After a gorgeous weekend and a wonderful relaxed afternoon outside with my teenaged kids and the dogs, I thought back to the battles that so often raged when trying to get everyone out the door for a ‘fun’ family walk. At least I was determined that a walk should be fun and therein lay the problem!

Getting cooperation is one of the toughest challenges parents face and it can be especially hard if, instead of toeing the line, you get intense emotional outbursts.

Faced with a tantruming child, we are flooded with emotion, we can lose perspective, we can’t think rationally and find it hard to overcome the ineffective, knee jerk response. It happens to all of us.

I dealt ineffectively with my young son's emotional (and physical) outbursts and it was only when I realised that I needed to look at my own expectations that things began to change. The family walk was an example as I expected all my children to jump to it, immediately down tools and fall in line, with a smile, on our happy family outing. I learned that gaining cooperation from all my kids started with me – my mind-set, my expectations and my approach.

Turning from our own expectations and agenda to compassion for their feelings, their temperament and their reality is the place to start. As US parenting expert Bonnie Harris says, if we can think of our uncooperative child as ‘having a problem, rather than being a problem’, we can come alongside them with empathy and compassion rather than down on top of them with control or from behind negotiating or pleading. Just as my son may have had a problem putting on his socks or remembering to put away his drawing, he was having a problem expressing his big emotions using his words. Helping our children towards cooperation starts with us.

What doesn't work?

Here are just a few of the approaches that are ineffective but may seem familiar (I have tried them all):

Exerting control: “You WILL come for a walk with us”. No one likes to be controlled and this approach results in a power struggle where one ‘wins’ and the other ‘loses’ – hardly a good life lesson.

Bribes don’t result in learning either: “If you come for a walk then you can stay up an extra hour tonight”. Here we end up in a destructive cycle of bribes and extrinsic rewards where kids don’t develop intrinsic motivation.

Demeaning comments dismiss their emotions. “I don’t know why you are the only one who doesn’t want to come. It will be fun. You are overreacting and you will be fine” are counterproductive responses as we are saying that their emotions are not valid and they don’t matter. If we continue, we will lower our children’s self -esteem and they will think of themselves as ‘the one who does not cooperate’ and guess what, they won’t.

What does work?

Five steps to greater cooperation.

1. Put yourself in their shoes. Ask yourself how they might be feeling? Experience their pain and sadness. Perhaps it feels a bit like this: you're in the middle of an exciting project/film/book and you couldn’t be happier. Just at the good part, your partner comes in and says that it's time to walk the dogs, now, in the rain. You've walked them all week, you are on a roll and are just happy to keep doing what you are doing inside where it’s warm and dry. You can understand where your child is coming from. You go however because you can process immediately that this is important to your partner, you had talked about it this morning and you know that you can finish what you are doing later. You say ‘of course I will come. Give me 5 minutes.’

Part of the empathy step is understanding that one of the differences between you and your young son is that as an adult, you have a fully functioning rational brain (your prefrontal cortex). The hopes and desires of your emotional side (your limbic system) are regulated by your experience and your emotional intelligence. In the nanosecond you weigh it all up, you can make your decision with your fully developed brain. Your young son does not have the benefit of this mature rational thought. With this in mind, we need to come at his problem from his point of view, only then can we help him work through his big emotions. “I really get it that you would much rather be here inside playing with your Lego. You are angry that you need to leave it and put on your wellies and stomp across the fields. That is tough.”

You may get anger that moves on to sadness and tears. This can take time and it means that he is passing through his big emotions and only then will he be able to think again. Our empathy helps him move back to a calm steady state from where problem solving and learning take place. Done again and again, he will learn that ‘I can manage this. This too will pass. ‘

We are not saying that the behaviour is always acceptable (it is never ok to hit and kick) but the emotions ALWAYS ARE. Seeing things from his point of view and remembering that big emotions are telling you something is always the best place to start.

2. Show respect – Think how it makes your kids feel when you respect their point of view. They feel listened to and understood. I respected my children when I learned to set them up ahead of time for the day’s plans. ‘Shall we chat about the weekend and what we would all like to do? I get that you have lots of playing to do. You are busy all week and you love time with your games. You have so much to build and do and draw. We also need to fit in some family time with the dogs. Would you like to do that before or after lunch on Sunday? “ Here I am acknowledging their temperament - two of my kids were not great at transitions and I am showing respect by helping them succeed. Listening with respect leads to collaboration and will teach your kids problem solving skills.

3. Don’t take it personally. It is not about you. This was a big one for me. My son was indeed ‘having a problem’ which does not mean that I was a rubbish parent or that he was out to get me but rather that he had not YET learned to manage his big feelings and problem solve. I leaned to take a deep breath (many deep breaths) and put on my collaborative problem solving hat.

4. Stay close – I used to my kids to the naughty step. Why doesn't this work? Because we think sending them away gives them the chance to ‘think about what they have done!!!!” instead they are thinking about all the reasons they resent us and why they are such a bad kids. If we stay close we show that no matter what behaviour they throw at you, we love them unconditionally. ‘I am here. We can get through this. I am just going to stay close. We have this one. We all need a little time to breathe. I will be here. I am not afraid of your big feelings. “

5. Connect before, during and after . Connection is always the key. If we connect deeply with our children and focus on all the things they get right, we will get less undesirable behaviour. Full stop. It is hard to remember at times but children want to please us. They are made to seek our connection – it is part of their survival mechanism and they depend upon us for their security, their safety and their wellbeing. Think about how they search our faces for our responses to things. Make connection a core part of your family life whether it is reconnecting every day after schoolwork or nursery, spending daily one on one time with each child (even if they are home all day), finding out what music your teen likes, getting on the floor again to play that silly game (in my case this is Monopoly) as connection is the key to cooperation.

A child at any age is more likely to cooperate and be open to our influence when the relationship is deep and strong.

5 top tips to help your kids learn from home during COVID

Sun, 10 Jan 2021 15:49:27 GMT

Finding the silver lining in learning from home

Beginning another year in lockdown, juggling the homeschooling, working and just getting by, was not how we might have hoped to start the new year. We may feel slightly better prepared after all those months of practice, our teachers are working hard to help and there is slightly less uncertainty with vaccines rolling out but it is still tough.

Alexander Graham Bell said “Before anything else, preparation is the key to success”. Talking through with our kids and partners how we can help set things up to give them ( and us all ) the greatest chance of success is always a good place to start. Preparing the practical and physical, such as a work space and a schedule, and most importantly the emotional, perhaps the feelings of frustration and disappointment, teaches our kids to make the best of challenging times

Learning at home is harder than it may seem. We are not, for the most part, home schoolers and this distance learning is not in any case at all the same thing. Older children are used to intense exam preparation being done at home but somehow this new compl of learning at home, without the stimulation of classrooms, friends, extracurricular activities and a set routine seems so much harder. Ultimately there is a new reliance on each child to manage their own time and this can all be very daunting.

Where there is challenge there is also opportunity . Every family will have a unique situation and set of challenges depending upon their school's expectations, whether one or both parents are working inside or outside the home and indeed the ages, temperaments and particular needs of their kids. Despite the challenges, can we think of this time as a chance to bond with our kids as well as instil in them some wonderful life skills and a love of learning that will hold them in good stead when our new normality resumes?

The schools and teachers have done an amazing job of adapting and switching to online learning. Here is how we can help to set our kids up to succeed over the coming weeks and months:

1. Get prepared with a Chat Through . Agree a time and sit down with each of your children away from distractions and talk through their daily schedule and your expectations. Involving our kids and letting them do most of the talking helps them take ownership and they all learn best by doing rather than being told what to do. Begin now and revisit the conversation several times so they can adjust to the change from holiday mode to school time. Use plenty of what, where, when and how questions to keep them talking. Praise them for their contributions, sensible and responsible approach. Chat throughs are great way to teach collaboration, preparation and problem solving skills.

2. Set the timetable using effective learning segments . Children will get less work done at home than at school. To keep the motivation going, and to manage our expectations, it’s helpful to break time into shorter learning segments. Where there is unstructured time outside of lessons, research supports the idea that we are all more productive and motivated when working for a specific period. According to the Pomodoro Technique of time management developed by Francesco Cirillo in the late 1980s (named after his Pomodoro kitchen timer), the ideal amount of time for adults to stay motivated and productive is 25 minutes with a 5-minute break with a maximum of 4 periods before a longer break. Older students can manage these segments with the time for younger kids being shorter with a longer break. Shorter segments help kids learn to concentrate, avoid procrastination and keeps them motivated.

3. Seizing the opportunities of home learning . This is chance to prepare by shaking things up a bit and helping your kids learn in a way that is best suited to their needs. Kids with high energy benefit from shorter learning segments and lots of movement thrown in – they can walk around learning their vocabulary at home. A child who is easily distracted might chose a table away from the noise of others for short spurts or prefer to sit next to you as you work, another might prefer to use your white board to draw his ideas before writing them down or use his Lego to help with maths. We know our children better than anyone, can we help make learning fun by getting creative and being responsive to their needs? We can take the time to look for the positives in their work and use descriptive praise to point out all the things they get right. Instead of pointing out the things they get wrong ask them first if there is anything they think they might improve. Looking for the positives builds self esteem and instills a growth mindset. Flexibility is important and y ou may also be able to move the schedule around so that harder tasks get finished first when everyone is fresh and can be followed by something more fun and engaging and getting outside.

4. Be an Emotion Coach. It is hard to overstate the challenge it is for kids to transition from learning in a vibrant school environment, mixing, laughing and learning with their peers where teaching is interspersed with other fun activities to being at home with only their parents or siblings for company. Kids can not learn when they are stressed. They may be feeling anxious, frustrated, sad, lonely, disappointed, angry or overwhelmed. Showing understanding, compassion and patience will help our kids get through the tough emotions. Naming the big feelings has an immediate calming effect on the nervous system and helps kids learn to manage their emotions and problem solve. We build connection when our kids know that we understand and respect how they feel. Emotion Coaching and naming to tame the big feelings teaches our kids that they can move through emotions to a place where they can be rational and thoughtful. “I can see how hard this may feel to be without all your friends.” ‘I know how important your football is to you and it is hard to concentrate on the work when you don’t have that to look forward to.”

5. Yes, Let’s . If we all came out of this difficult time feeling closer to our kids, that would be enough. The academic learning might not be the most important part of this time we have together. Despite the hardship we are enduring, we hope that we can look back on this time as an incredible opportunity to spend time together with our kids, no matter what their ages. What can you do together that helps you all stay present, enjoy each other and feel more connected? A focus on punctuating your day with fun and slow things you can do together will help. When your kids ask “Mum can we cook? Garden? Kick a ball? Can I show you this cool new game?” Say ‘yes, let’s!’. It may be that you add a ‘when’ to your response, “as soon as I am off my conference call’ or “as soon as you have finished that worksheet” but enjoying each other, teaching life skills, feeling closer to your children may just be the best learning there is.

5 Tried and Tested Techniques to Improve Cooperation

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Sun, 10 Jan 2021 11:34:37 GMT

Lockdown again - overwhelmed, frustrated and exhausted, we all resort to the same old not always very effective ways of trying to motivate our kids to cooperate. There is another way.

Getting our children to listen (at all - forget about the first time) is possibly the most frustrating part of parenting. It's hard enough to manage when they've been at school all day but completely overwhelming when you're together all day every day and trying to work, home school and just keep things going.

We nag, cajole, repeat and perhaps even end up shouting as our words go seemingly unheard and unheeded. The adrenaline builds as we remind ourselves that we are only trying to do our job - teach our children good habits, keep them safe and get stuff done.

Deep down we know that the shouting and nagging are not going to change habits and that these reflexive responses are not helpful in building warm, respectful and connected relationships with our kids. Yet it's all we can come up with in the moment. We are so often left feeling guilty that we shouted or have said something we regret.

Is there a better way? Yes absolutely!

Where we focus our attention and the words that we use have the power to positively transform our kids’ motivation to cooperate, improve their behaviour and help us remain calm.

As we try to get our kids to change their behaviour, we end up pointing out all the things they get wrong. We fall into a habit and it’s not surprising then that our children also get into a habit of seeking our attention (which is what they’re after) through misbehaviours. What happens instead if we notice and mention all the things they GET RIGHT? Our kids start trying to get our attention with the behaviour we are looking for. They feel good about themselves, they feel worthy and valued, the good behaviour continues - they cooperate - and they feel better about us too!

We tend to point out our kids’ mistakes to help them improve, to teach them or help them avoid upsets.

We have the best of intentions:

‘pick up your towel that's on the floor',

‘ you need to eat your peas,’

‘you spelt that word wrong’

‘I've told you six times to get off that screen. You’ll be tired in the morning’

' hang up that coat!!'

but all our kids hear through our nagging or raised voices is criticism, judgment or blame. They feel they never get anything right and they stop trying to listen and cooperate.

Research shows kids hear 432 negative comments to 32 positive comments every day. That is 13 times more! It may not always be harsh criticism but if they are met at every turn with advice (however well-meaning), attempts to fix, improve or change, their self-esteem is likely to take a knocking and their motivation to cooperate gets ever less. And perhaps worse, our relationship suffers and they are less likely to share their problems, seek advice and open themselves up to collaborative, supportive problem solving. We need to build them up rather than wear them down. `

Here are five strategies that help motivate our children into good behaviours while building their self-esteem as we stay connected, calm and remain compassionately and confidently in charge:

1. Notice and mention ALL the things they get right . Children are more resilient, they behave better and develop a strong feeling of self-worth when they hear they are getting things right, that we approve and when they know exactly what behaviour is expected. We call this ‘Descriptive Praise’. Children are wired to seek our attention and our approval although it may not always feel like it! When we give positive attention for positive behaviour we get more of what we’re after.

‘You remembered to empty the dishwasher before making lunch.’ ‘You spelt 5 out of 6 words correctly in that sentence. That is great improvement. Can the find the one that needs your help?’’ 'You have put all your laundry in the basket. Where does that basket need to go now?’'You started putting that lego back even before I asked you. that is being really helpful."

2. Listen. There is a skill to focused real listening. Our kids need to feel heard and understood. So often our children find it difficult to cooperate and do the right thing because they are flooded with big emotions. When our kids know that we’re interested in trying to understand the big feelings behind their behaviour, they feel validated. Their behaviour is a form of communication and validating feelings is an important part of helping our kids process and manage big emotions so they can get back to a calm place and start to problem solve.

'I am wondering whether you spoke to me like that because you’re feeling so frustrated with all these online classes. It just isn’t the same thing as being at school and I bet that you’ve just had enough.’ 'It can be so tough to have to sit still for what seems like ALL morning. You are missing your friends and would love to see them and run all around at break."

3. Use Intentional Language. We are our word. We can avoid nagging and repeating if we use confident but respectful and positive statements and stay away from requests: No repeating, pleading or bribing but respectfully stating the facts with the understanding that your child can and will do what you have asked. Starting with descriptive praise and empathising with how hard it might be will help.

‘It’s time for your bath’ ‘The dishwasher needs emptying’ ‘Teeth brushed and then the story that you chose'

4. Give choices (that you can live with). A lack of cooperation is often the behaviour that we see when our kids feel they have no control. No one likes to feel powerless. Giving choices builds confidence and gives children an empowering feeling of responsibility. It helps our kids feel valued which builds self-esteem.

‘When you’ve finished your worksheet you can both decide whether we have lunch here or as a picnic under the tent in the playroom’. ‘When we get upstairs and you're ready would you rather have your story before, in or after the bath!?’ ‘Tomorrow for breakfast would you like porridge with honey or toast with that yummy jam. you can chose' 'I don't mind when you tidy your room. We decided that it would be anytime before Friday pizza night didn't we?'

5. Use ‘I’ rather than ‘You’ statements. This non-directive technique can help keep us confidently in charge rather than tipping over into exerting control. When we feel controlled we get defensive or resentful and much less motivated to cooperate. Rather than ‘you didn’t text me to tell me you were going to be late’ try ‘I felt worried when you didn't text me to tell me you would be late.’ ‘I am worried that we won’t have time for a story tonight if you don’t get in the bath now. Which one were we going to read?”

We have the choice of what we notice and how we respond to our kids. When we can shift our focus to pointing out all the things our children get right, when we show that we are listening and understanding their big feelings, when we respectfully engage them by giving them choices and remain confidently expectant of their success, we are building their self-esteem, motivation and desire to cooperate.

If you would like a FULL toolbox of practical skills and strategies to help you parent calmly, effectively and confidently, get in touch and I would love to help.

Christmas 2020: How to help your family thrive

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Wed, 16 Dec 2020 17:47:45 GMT

Traditions, understanding, time together and embracing less than perfection are key

It will be a very different Christmas this year for most of us but that doesn’t mean that we can’t make it special. It may be smaller; it may be shorter and it may feel a bit strange and tinged with sadness but we can still enjoy and cherish our families whether we are together or apart.

When I think back to childhood Christmas’ in New England, I don’t remember much about the presents but I do remember the little family traditions that made Christmas special. We were often on our own as our family was back in the UK but my parents made sure that they kept our traditions alive. I remember the puzzle that came out, cooking tiny mince pies with my Mum, singing Christmas carols, the after-dinner games and my Dad’s delight as he opened the new toothbrush that arrived each year in his stocking asking “how did he know?!”

This year more than ever I feel so thankful for my family. I won’t be with them this Christmas but I feel such gratitude that they are part of our lives. I am also thankful that I have learned to make the most of the moment and think less about what else I might be doing. We don’t know what next year will bring but I feel this year has shown me that time flies so quickly, our kids are another year older and I don’t want to miss a moment.

Christmas is about tradition and rituals. With all the uncertainty and with all we have been through, family rituals can provide security, meaning and reinforce our foundations. They give us a sense of belonging and reinforce the connection across the generations. This is especially important when we can’t be together.

I am sharing a few ideas for making the most of this year, creating memories, deepening the connection with our kids and focusing on the things that matter rather than on the ‘could of, should of, would of’ (a little phrase that we try and avoid in our family!):

- Family rituals build connection and help kids feel safe, secure and part of a greater whole – their family. There do not have to be many things and they don’t need to be hard or complicated. It could be as simple as lighting candles at dinner, decorating biscuits, telling Christmas stories, making a special breakfast, playing a favourite game or a walk under the stars. As there will be many things that you might not be able to do this year, it seems even more important that we cherish rituals, traditions and family routines. We may have to adapt or put a new twist on a tradition with family carols via Zoom, a virtual bake off, or a virtual Christmas quiz. My kids are no longer children. They have different personalities, like different things, experience the world in a different way but one thing that pulls them together and helps them feel part of a greater whole are our family rituals and traditions. Many things may seem almost insignificant but as they grow older and remind me how they treasure the little things, I realise just how important they are.

- Acknowledge the feelings with understanding . Children may be missing special things this Christmas. Perhaps it’s seeing their grandparents, a special outing that takes place every year or a party with their friends who are all home from university. There will be disappointment and this may come out in our kids’ behaviour – sibling scraps, tantrums or slamming doors – as our kids show us that they don’t feel good. How we respond can determine how they manage and move through these big and sometimes uncomfortable emotions. Rather than dismiss how they feel, brushing them under the tree or attempting to make them feel better – we want to listen, get curious about the feelings behind the behaviour and accept their emotions head on with empathy. We don’t need to accept inappropriate behaviour, but we want to send the message that ALL feelings are ok and we are here to help.

Handling disappointment is an important life skill that builds resilience and we want to teach it well. It helps to think of our calm and understanding words as a soundtrack that they will eventually take on in their own heads as they face another inevitable bump in the road:

"This really sucks. I can see you are SO disappointed and sad. Sometimes things just don’t make sense. Its ok to feel deflated and cross. Be kind to yourself and know that you are being honest and brave. It’s hard for your brain to process things when it is overwhelmed with emotion. When you feel a bit calmer, let’s think about what you might try and do instead.”

Emotion intelligence is the bedrock of resilience and it’s about recognising feelings, learning to acknowledge them and managing our way through. Over these last difficult months, our kids have shown amazing resilience in the face of continual change and disappointment. They have missed out on many things during this extraordinary year and the emotional burden has at times been very hard. We have the time this holiday to listen hard and hear how our kids are feeling. We know that this will pass. We have the benefit of many years of experience and wisdom to give us perspective. A year is a long time in their short lives. This is a pretty amazing Christmas gift to give your child.

- Being together – You may be thinking that you have been blessed with having so much time with your children this year that you are not quite sure how many more blessings you can manage. Perhaps the thought of another three weeks of together time, when there is cooking, decorating and sorting Christmas to get done, is making you a little anxious. Or it may be that your tween or teen has barracked themselves in their bedroom and the anxiety you feel is about how you’ll manage to spend any time with them at all. Either way, being purposeful and brave about carving out time together is important. These are the times that build connection. It may not always seem this way but to kids our TIME, undivided and uninterrupted, spells LOVE. Maybe we need to push past the discomfort barrier to lie on the floor and play made up games with a younger child. We may have to get creative to find ways to lure our older children out of their rooms to bake, play a family game, listen to their playlist as you decorate, but the effort is worth it.

I love the metaphor of the emotional bank account as developed by Stephen Covey in his 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. He defines the emotional bank account as one’s relationship with another and it is based on trust. When our kids misbehave, when we can’t seem to connect and communicate, we can ask ourselves whether their account is running low. Deposits build trust – such as spending time, pointing out the things they get right, being affectionate and kind or speaking respectfully to our children. When we make a withdrawal – using harsh words, not listening to them, being too busy, being critical or judgmental – we need to pause, repair and make an effort to refill their account. Making time this Christmas is a good place to start.

- Ditch the guilt. Parenting and guilt seem to go hand in hand. We are so tough on ourselves. There is always something that we feel we could or should be doing or doing better. Christmas is a time when parenting guilt ratchets up a notch as we scramble to pull off the perfect Christmas. It starts for me earlier in the year when I hear from friends that they have finished their Christmas shopping and seems to reach a fever pitch as my Instagram feed is full of perfect wreaths, decorations and Christmas goodies.

It’s great to have high aspirations but when we are left feeling guilty about the things that we are not giving, doing and delivering, it isn’t a great place to be. What about a “good enough” Christmas? Does that mean lowering our standards in some areas – yes. Perhaps we won’t take the time to redecorate the tree after the kids have had a go. Perhaps we embrace a messy kitchen or (heaven forbid!) leave the dishes in the sink as we play another game with the kids. Perhaps we pick our battles with our teen (while keeping the important limits in place). Guilt can also get in the way of us looking after ourselves. I am a much nicer person when I have had some exercise, when I am rested and have had a bit of time to myself. We don’t need to feel guilty about taking a break, teaching and then delegating jobs to the family or perhaps cutting back on all those home-made goodies. Embrace and enjoy your family and cherish yourself.

And finally, gratitude –This year has shone a very bright light on the things for which I am truly grateful. My family has been my rock and the love and the appreciation that I have for them is endless. I hope that I show and tell them often just how much I am thankful and how important they are to me. I wish everyone a bright happy and healthy 2021

The Brilliance of Boredom

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Wed, 16 Dec 2020 17:03:51 GMT

Boredom can be boost creativity, self discipline and train our children's brains.

'I’m bored!’ This is the cry that can send shivers down the spine of the most resilient parent. But after an emotional, exhausting year, and with the Christmas holidays stretching ahead of us with fewer visits to friends and family, it’s reassuring to know that boredom can be good for our children. It's a life skill worth learning and might even give us a few moments to ourselves.

To find out why boredom is so hard and how to embrace it, here's the link for this month's article published on the Talk Education website

How to Avoid The Pitfalls of Perfectionism

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Thu, 26 Nov 2020 12:27:10 GMT

Top tips for helping your kids thrive

Perfectionism can be tough to manage at the best of times, but this year has been especially difficult for those who might find flexibility, adapting to change and shining a positive light on a tough situation more of a challenge.

Perfectionism among children and teenagers seems to be on the rise and it’s no wonder – the pressure for them to be perfect seems to permeate every aspect of their young lives. Whether it’s gaining a string of A*s or 9s, making the 1st XI or the A team (and looking good doing it), winning that music scholarship or posting great Instagram content while constantly being in the right place on Snap Maps, the pressure can feel ubiquitous and unrelenting. It’s exhausting, stress-inducing and can affect their mental health.

Join our discussion on the benefits and limitations of striving for perfection in the article that I contributed to TALK EDUCATION and learn the 5 top tips for helping your children know that they are enough as they are - perfectly imperfect.

Would you like to make gratitude a family value? Here's how

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Wed, 25 Nov 2020 12:32:06 GMT

The science behind why being grateful can transform your family life

Gratitude – The warmth, optimism, connection, joy and happiness that come with gratitude are all things that we can use a bit more often during this turbulent time. The good news is that with a bit of focus, effort and attention we can reap the long-term rewards of counting our blessings and being grateful – for ourselves and our families.

There has been much recent research on the benefits of being grateful and if there’s one practice that encapsulates the role that neuroscience can play in improving our family lives, it may well be gratitude! The research is clear that the benefits are far reaching and profound and happily they can be quickly felt. Just weeks after refocusing on gratitude practices, studies have shown that participants reported improved well-being.

Being grateful, appreciative and focusing on the positive doesn’t mean that we put on a fake smile. It is always important to be aware and acknowledge all our emotions and those of our kids– envy, frustration, sadness and disappointment – in fact it is critical to emotional and physical well-being. We want however to make a concerted effort to be conscious of our values and long term goals – and it’s with these long-term beliefs and goals in mind that we choose the path we follow.

An important reason to be grateful is its impact on our feeling of self-worth. Research suggests gratitude as a trait, may have positive effects on well-being partially via its ability to increase self-esteem. When a person feels grateful they often view themselves as benefiting from another person’s generosity, leading them to feel valued. This increases self-esteem, which in turn leads to higher levels of well-being.

First a quick look at some of the science and how thinking about gratitude can affect our brains in the short term but more importantly how a permanent rewiring takes place that can help us all take on values that then become subconscious habits.

The Search Engine . The Reticular Activating System ( RAS) is a marvel. It’s a bundle of neurons located just above where the spinal cord is attached to the brain. It acts as the gatekeeper of information between most sensory systems and the conscious mind. Our sensory systems would be overloaded with information were it not for this small effective piece of our brain which acts a bit like a nightclub bouncer for our conscious mind. It’s important for its influential in helping us achieve our goals as well as regulating attention and motivation.

Vital important information jumps straight to the front of the queue, for example when someone calls your name, your child needs you or when you feel threatened. But for all the other information that isn’t as critical, we set the agenda for this attention filter or bouncer. Sometimes this is conscious, but other times it's not. What we are interested in in the moment, as well as our deeper belief systems, have a lot of control over what information is let through. If our goal is to be grateful, and it’s an important value for us, then our RAS will be constantly looking for opportunities for us to achieve our goal – gratitude. The more we look for reasons to be grateful, the more we’ll notice; noticing the opportunities to be grateful is the first step in reaping the benefits that being thankful bestow.

Gratitude and rewiring the brain . There is a wealth of research around gratitude and its impact on our brains. Studies have shown that when we express gratitude and receive thanks, the brain releases a surge of dopamine and serotonin - the feel-good chemicals. These neurotransmitters help to enhance our mood, will power and intrinsic motivation and make us feel happier. It’s no wonder then that feeling grateful improves our general well-being and outlook on life with all its benefits for us and our families.

It doesn’t stop there. Thanks to a theory called “ Hebb’s Law ’’ and the notion that ‘neurons that fire together wire together’ – the more we learn to do of something, the more habitual it becomes. The practice of gratitude can become a habit – hard wired into our brains. As I live in the country I like to think of this in simple terms as sheep tracks – the more we retrace the steps, consciously looking for opportunities to be grateful, the deeper and more permanent these neural pathways become. We more we practice, the sooner it becomes a habit, a subconscious reflex (just like the practice that embeds your tennis swing) and as we take on a value, we make it our own.

The exciting part is that we know that relatively straightforward steps in the practice of gratitude show huge benefits for us and for our families:

1. Write it down – Spending just a few minutes every evening noting down three things that you are grateful for, makes a profound impact on our wellbeing and the research underscores the science behind the benefits that gratitude journaling can bring for any age and at any stage. We don’t need to think too deeply or spend too long, the things can be tiny or momentous, have happened just now or they could be drawn from memories. They can be people we are thankful for, kind acts, our personal achievements or situations that we have learned from.

Writing things down demands our conscious attention and the written word holds an importance and a permanence. This year has been a time when many of us have benefitted from gaining perspective and reprioritising and a focus on the things for which we are grateful is an effective tool. If there are challenges or struggles we can puposefully look for what we can be grateful that we have learned. This may require some reframing which is an important exercise in and of itself.

2. Notice the small things - Gratitude comes in many guises. The small things and small wins for which we are grateful deserve our attention. The more that we can find appreciation in the seemingly small insignificant parts of our lives the more benefit it gives us. Robert Emmons, a leading scientific expert on gratitude, explains that as emotions wear off quickly, our emotional system likes novelty and change. Gratitude has the effect of making us appreciate the value of something, and when we appreciate the value of something, we extract more benefits from it; we’re less likely to take it for granted. Robert Emmons also points out that gratitude goes against our need to feel in control of our environment. Sometimes with gratitude you just must accept life as it is and be grateful for what you have.

What small things can we be grateful for? Putting a smile on someone’s face, that cup of hot coffee, your partner’s hand on your shoulder after a tough day, tiny details of nature that you had never appreciated as you watched the seasons change during lock down, an undisturbed bath or getting your kids in the car without a struggle.

3. Walk the gratitude talk . We say that as much as 80% of parenting is modelling. When we walk the talk, our children pick up and learn and eventually our values become their habits and values too. We talked about how consciousness, practice and repetition help turns things we do into habits. Children watch our behaviour, they learn and take on board our values and in the end, they become their own whether it is hope, integrity, humility or gratitude. Every time you turn and say thank you before you leave a shop, your kids are watching and over time you will notice them copying. Ultimately they will do it on their own. Telling them honestly and directly how grateful you are: “I so am grateful to have you here with me' is also great modelling.

Children learn how to be grateful for their own experiences and for how they feel about themselves by watching us too. If they hear us being compassionate and kind to ourselves – it catches on: “I am so grateful that I made that mistake. Now I have a chance to have another go.' 'Even though that didn’t turn out as I had hoped( it was awful!!), I am so thankful that at least I gave it a try’. ‘I didn’t want to walk the dogs in the rain, but I feel so much better now and they are thanking me too!!’ Noticing and acknowledging the things for which we are grateful will get our kids Reticular Activating Systems working too! We are always our children’s greatest teachers.

4. Gratitude practices for the family : Saying thank you can sometimes feel uncomfortable and we are not always very good at it. It takes practice and the more that we can make gratitude part of our family life, the more the value will take hold. Here are a few ideas:

1. The Golden Book - Write three things about your child that you are grateful for and share with them every evening before bed. This not only helps them feel connected to us, can improve their self-esteem but also teaches them the language of gratitude ‘Thank you for being so patient and kind to your sister this morning. I know you were tired and I saw it took a big effort.” For older kids, you can send a text or What’s App or leave a note under their pillow ( no need to ask them if they received it).

2. Start a gratitude jar – Involve your children in writing things you are all grateful for and put them together in a jar. Make it a family ritual to take out and read three things at supper or whenever you like.

3. Share your gratitude - Start your regular family meetings by each contributing something that you are grateful for in each other. It may time to warm up to but it is a great practice when kids think about how they appreciate each other.

4. Write a letter – As often as it suits suggest writing a letter to someone that each one of you would like to thank. You can each do one or make a family letter. Research suggests that we can all benefit from appreciating people in our lives, even if we don’t end up sending the letter. The mere act of writing helps shift our focus to positive thoughts and feelings.

Gratitude is a powerful force for good . It's an amazing thing that we can see the impact on our brains, on our bodies, in our souls and for our families. As Brene Brown says “practicing gratitude is how we acknowledge that there’ s enough and that we are enough.” The practice of a virtue that has a far reaching impact on us all and worth cultivating as a habit in our families.

For further reading: https://imduk.org/tag/hebbs-law/ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_gratitude_is_good https://ggsc.berkeley.edu/images/uploads/GGSC-JTF_White_Paper-Gratitude-FINAL.pdf https://www.whartonhealthcare.org/the_neuroscience_of_gratitude

Helping your spirited child to thrive - without the power struggles

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Mon, 16 Nov 2020 16:58:30 GMT

Some children come out fighting and seem to have a will of iron from the day they can utter their first “NO”. For others, this strength of character emerges later only coming into full force during their already turbulent teenage years.

Living with spirited, strong willed kids can be challenging at the best of times but when we are in close quarters or there are fewer ways to let off steam, it can be exhausting and exasperating for everyone. When we are tired, have run out of patience and when we are living with the constant stress of uncertainty, we are much more likely to get triggered by our ‘demanding’ kids.

When we feel our buttons are pushed, we often resort to those tried and tested reactive but ineffective techniques of repeating, punishing and shouting or just giving in and walking away.

When life feels like a constant power struggle, American parenting expert Bonnie Harris suggests that we can choose either to see these children as difficult, obstinate and stubborn or we can view them for their strengths of not shying away from conflict, having integrity and a strong view of what is fair. We call this practice of proactively reinterpreting what we see as ‘reframing’ and it is the first step in turning towards our child with compassion, respect, a deep desire to understand how they interact with the world. Rather than trying to change our children, we can put our energy and focus into helping them manage and make the most of their unique temperament; to help them thrive.

Although we may have to work harder to understand and empathise with these temperaments, the rewards are great. Studies have shown that strong willed children are less susceptible to peer pressure in their teen years than those children who are continuously aiming to please. These kids become persistent, creative, self-motivated, brave young adults with huge integrity.

What can we do day to day to avoid the exhausting power struggles and create harmony at home?

1. Don’t take it personally . Let’s start with a hard one. Our kids are not out to get us. Step back, breathe and remember “she is not BEING a problem, she is HAVING a problem” and my job is to help her learn. Remember her developmental stage, her unique temperament and what might be reasonable to expect. Can I expect my persistent, intense child who finds adapting a challenge to find it easy to be flexible and compromise? Probably not. Can I expect my child who does not shy away from conflict, to NOT push back and NOT keep testing me? Hardly likely. Breathe deeply, take perspective and try not to take it personally. One reason that we may see their behaviour as a personal affront is that we don’t know how to respond to it. Read on.

2. Have clear consistent boundaries. All children need clear limits & boundaries but they are vital for your strong-willed child. You don’t need to overdo it but be clear around things that are important and reflect your family values such as screen time, swearing, being respectful, hitting, helping around the house. Discuss the family values and rules during a calm moment and get their input. Communication and collaboration are key and all kids, but especially these ones, need to know you are respectfully hearing their side. Clear, consistent (rather than rigid) boundaries are empowering and are important in avoiding power struggles: “What is the rule about homework before screen time? I know it is frustrating. Do you want a snack before you get started?” “I know you find that rule about lights out a tough one. What story are you going to choose tonight?” “On the plan, whose turn was it to take out the recycling this week?” Have faith and confidence in their ability to do the right thing.

3. Keep working on the relationship . Challenging behaviour in all kids can be a sign that the relationship needs some work. One important and highly effective way to improve the connection is through prioritizing one on one time with your child. Try to spend time with each child every day, or as often and consistently as possible. This child led time doesn’t have to be long but children need to know you are interested, that they have your full attention, and that you are enjoying yourself! Perhaps listen to their music (whatever it is), play a game, walk the dog together, go and get a coffee or give them a back rub. This is not a time to chastise their behaviour but rather to turn emotionally towards them and connect.

Part of connecting is trying hard to understand. We don’t accept inappropriate behaviours but we need to accept ALL the feelings. We can start by nonjudgmental listening. We are conditioned to jump in to correct, fix and point out the things our children get wrong. We are trying to help after all. Instead, if we listen to how the world feels for our child and acknowledge all the things they get right, we’ll get more of the behaviour we want to see and more cooperation. One practical idea to improve your mindset, your relationship and your child’s self esteem, is to end every day by acknowledging three things that your child did well or three things you are grateful for. These positive affirmations not only remind ourselves to focus on all the things that they get right but help our child feel appreciated, understood and deeply loved.

4. Ask your children and give choices . We all like to feel in control and this is especially true for your spirited child. As often as you can, offer choices (ones that you are happy with). Let young children choose their clothes. Let them decide where they do their work. Let them help choose the weekly menu or what you do on Sunday. The more you can proactively ask for their ideas and offer choices, the more you are engaging your child’s thinking brain and this includes taking responsibility for solving problems. “We need to work out tech time as it doesn’t seem to be working at the moment. How much time do you think you should have on your screens” "Why don't you all work out who is going to walk Alfie and when this week and how we’ll remember?” “That didn’t go so well this morning. We were all a bit stressed and we were late. How can we make this work better for everyone?”

5. Always connect first . As Dr. Dan Siegel, Clinical Professor of psychiatry and author, says “connect and redirect” to move a child from reactivity to receptivity. To connect first, WE need to be in the right place. When we feel triggered and just can’t help ourselves from resorting back to our old ways, breathe… Count to 3 or even 5 and then connect: “For you to swear like that shows me just how angry you are at having to do your homework. I bet you wish that they didn’t give you any at all. I get that. It is the last thing that you want to do when you get home after a long tiring day. “ When our kids our emotional, they’re in a place where it’s hard to be logical, rational or see the big picture until they ‘feel felt’ – until we connect with their emotional brain. Our job is to help them get back to a calm place where they feel safe with empathy, nurturing and understanding. We still require boundaries be upheld but teaching, which engages the logical rational brain, comes later when we are all calm. When our kids feel heard they are more likely to learn to calm and sooth themselves and move to problem solving. They are much more able to come up with a solution that works for all involved.

Being the parent of a strong willed, spirited child can feel overwhelming and quite a challenge. It may require huge strength. It’s a challenge though that can reap huge rewards. If we reframe their attributes and calmly acknowledge and teach our kids to recognise that they are strong, persistent, with huge integrity, and an ability to take on whatever tricky challenge lies in their path, we will raise wonderful adults.

For more on helping your strong-willed child thrive, get in touch for a FREE introductory session.

School Holidays with kids - surviving and thriving

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 13:06:38 GMT

Making the most of your time together

Ahh the school holidays - whether it is one week, two or eight - they can fill us with a foreboding of feeling frazzled, exhausted and devoid of patience and ANY creativity.

We want to spend good quality time with our kids, recharge the batteries and just enjoy and embrace the change of pace that a few days away from the routine of school can bring. We know how you feel and here we share our tips to help you reclaim those days of family time and get back to school refreshed, reconnected and ready for whatever lies ahead.

I wrote this post for the wonderful team at Talk Education - read on for my top tips:

TALK EDUCATION

Top Tips for interview success

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Mon, 02 Nov 2020 12:55:44 GMT

How can you help your child be their best on the big day?

The interview is just one part of the journey to finding the school that is right for your child – a place where they will get a good education but most importantly a place where they will thrive. Happy children make good learners.

Although the school interview may seem daunting, it’s important to remember that our goal is for our children to be relaxed and to be themselves. The interview helps the schools get behind the reports and test results and get a feel for the child. This feel helps them decide whether the school is a good fit and it’s that’s good fit that we are looking for too. Our job is to prepare our kids to be as relaxed and genuine as possible as they sit down to chat.

Please read on for the top tips that I shared with the wonderful team at Talk Education

TALK EDUCATION

How to help your young child transition back to school

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Mon, 24 Aug 2020 13:02:40 GMT

Gentle preparation is key to helping them feel safe, secure and successful

Many of our kids are transitioning back to school over the next couple of weeks or indeed starting school for the first time. They may feel overjoyed at the thought of being back in the classroom with their friends. Some may feel worried and apprehensive. We might be delighted to see them off to school but feel anxious as well, not only about their safety but also how we'll all feel after months of being together.

Change can be a challenge but it can be a learning opportunity. This is a time to nurture resilience in our kids.

Children can find any transition hard and it can be especially tough for young children and those who don't react well to change. How your child manages will depend upon their unique temperament, their age and their particular stage of development.

All young kids are wired to be impulsive and live in the moment thanks to their still-developing brains. They can find it tough to anticipate and process what comes next and this can be very unsettling.

We can help our kids set up for successful transitions. This is a great example of proactive parenting. I used to be reactive. One of my children didn't do so well with change. She likes to feel prepared and in control. I used to avoid discussing what was going to happen for fear that she would get upset and I wanted to save her the worry so instead, I often hijacked her at the last minute in the hope that she might not notice what was happening. 'It's swimming in 10 minutes. It's Thursday. Let's go!'. This inevitably and understandably backfired and I had an upset anxious child and I felt guilty. I was adding to her worry and fear of change rather than teaching her strategies to manage transitions and help her build resilience.

The best way to help your children feel successful with change is to acknowledge their worries and talk things through in advance to give them the chance to get used to the idea and process what might happen. Most importantly they can air their worries and fears. We can then listen and empathise, rather than pushing their worries to one side, and this validation of feelings ( knowing that it is ok to feel that way) helps them to learn to recognise and manage their emotions and fears. We call this a 'chat through' and it as a great way to help your kids do their best.

If you are getting your child prepared for school, don't leave your chat-through to the night before. Instead talk little and often and positively about what the 'new' social distancing school day might look and feel like, how they might feel about it, and how they might manage these feelings.

If you think that saying 'goodbye' may be tough, practice in advance. You might come up with a little phrase or ritual that you can try before the big day. Then on the morning, even if there are big feelings, the act of saying 'goodbye' will feel familiar and come with your reassurance that you will be there to pick them up later on.

Revisit the chat through many times over the days before school when you are quiet and calm and let your child do most of the talking. For a younger child, it might sound like this:

"What's happening in four days- It will be Monday? yes, that’s right you are going back to school. Can you remember some of the things that might be different this time when you go back?"

"What were the things that you needed to take? Do you remember we talked about the hand-washing stations and lines on the floor and bubbles within your class. What else do you think might be different? "

"I am wondering how you are feeling? How do you think it will be when you have to stay apart from your some of friends at playtime? Yeah, it will feel strange and you might feel sad. "

"What do you think you could do if you are feeling a bit sad? Yes you could talk to Miss Graham that's a really sensible idea and I know she would like to know how you are feeling."

"What can we do to make it easier for you and fun?"

"Now let's think of all the things you are looking forward to."

On the morning of school, keep things positive, calm and light and acknowledge your kids for all the things they get right - they remembered their school bag, their lunch, they smiled etc. Empathise that it might feel strange or weird or different rather than 'it will all be fine".

When our kids have the chance to process and prepare for change, they are much more likely to feel successful. Helping our kids with transitions and setting them up for success is just one more way we can build resilience so that they learn to cope with change and unexpected twists and turns in life.

How to motivate your teenager

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Mon, 18 May 2020 12:21:16 GMT

Its a tough time to be a teen. Here are three ways parents can help.

What a hard time to be a teen.

Locked away from their friends and the things they love, having to learn on their own or on line, exams, festivals, sporting events cancelled and left spending endless days cooped up with their parents - it’s no wonder they find it hard to get motivated.

Parents are frustrated, and some are at their wits end, trying to entice their teens to get out of bed, to get off their phones, to help around the house, to sit down and do some work and generally cheer up.

If we think for a moment about the job of a teen, we might just see their point of view.

At exactly the time when they should be spreading their wings and pulling away from the family, taking on their own identity and values and having fun, they find themselves in lockdown with us. When we remember that the teen brain is wired to help them transition from dependence to independence, to focus on peers rather than parents, to take risks and question their boundaries, we might be more understanding of the frustrations they are feeling about all they have lost while left stuck at home.

It’s up to us to us consider our approach and tread with thought and consideration as our teens can feel quite vulnerable. The teen years is a time for re-evaluating who they are and who they are going to be and all this reflection can be accompanied by self-doubt, self-consciousness and a dip in self-esteem. Add to this change the uncertainty of today’s world and it is a perfect storm of unease.

There are many practical ways that we can support our teens through this tough time. Here are three things you can do to build their self-esteem, keep the lines of communication open and help them feel safe and secure:

1. Manage your expectations. What are our teens supposed to be doing right now? None of this. Be kind to yourself and be kind to your teen. This is tough stuff.

Ask yourself the question: what can I expect of my teen with her temperament, at her age, in this unprecedented situation? Can we expect our teens to be as self-motivated as we might expect in normal times? In all likelihood, no but we can help. Continually reevaluating our expectations, we can still have high expectations but they need to realistic, is just one of many ways that can help us to remain calm and supportive.

2. Focus on all the things they get right using descriptive praise, especially the tiny things. It’s a good time to change our focus and the way we speak to our teens.

While we are busy trying to ‘teach’ our kids how to improve their behaviour (pick up their clothes, hang up their towel, put their dishes away, question their dress choices) all they hear is criticism and judgement and it’s therefore no wonder they can feel unmotivated.

Here are a few examples of what doesn’t work and why:

‘I can’t believe that you haven’t done ANY schoolwork all day. What do you think is going to happen when you get back to school?” - They hear criticism.

"Oh you poor poor thing. It is just awful to have to be working like this. ” They hear pity.

“You’ll have only yourself to blame when you get all out of shape”. They feel blamed.

“You really should keep up your Spanish vocabulary while you are at home” They feel judged.

“ Oh so you think that recycling is just going to walk to the bin on its own?!” Sarcasm feels belittling.

Our natural inclination is to point out all the things they don't get right because we are trying to help and teach them but when it comes across as blame, criticism, pity or judgement, it’s demotivating. Our kids end up thinking ‘why bother’. When they go on the defensive they tune us out and stop listening and worse, we chip away at their self-esteem.

When we change our focus to acknowledge all the things they get right, it sends the message that they are valued and appreciated just the way they are. We do with using Descriptive Praise and our kids can’t argue, disagree or discount this acknowledgement and attention as we are only stating what we see – the facts.

Notice and mention exactly what you see like this:

a) Focus on the positive and describe what you see - ' you set your alarm and got yourself up on time.’ ‘You set the table without being asked’, ‘I see you’ve picked up some of the clothes off the floor “. Even though you hate the recycling, you took it out without complaining.’

b) Acknowledge improvement - ‘that is the third day in a row that you fed your dog without having to be reminded’’ ‘thank you for remembering to clean your bathroom this week. That's a huge help.”

c) Notice and mention TINY steps in the right direction - “You’re sitting at the table with all your books out and you look ready to start your work.” ‘You put your trainers away back by the back door.’

d) Recognise effort, attitude and strategies - “you should be really proud of the effort you are putting into that work as it is so hard to be doing this at home on your own.” ‘Despite not being able to go to team practice, you are still trying to get exercise. That shows real determination.”

When we change our attention to the things they get right (even if we have to look really hard to find them!), and not react too much to poor behaviour, we pivot our commentary from being judgmental and critical to being positive. Our kids feel valued, acknowledged AND their motivation and their behaviour improves.

Don’t be disheartened if you don’t get much response. You won’t get a ‘wow Mum thanks so much for pointing out how determined I am”. Keep persevering. The message is going in and little by little they will think of themselves at more ‘determined, kind, helpful, considerate, motivated’, their self-esteem with grow and they will feel more motivated and cooperative.

3. Connect, connect and connect some more. When our teens feel connected to us, when our relationship is strong, when they look upon us as the coach rather than a judge, they are more likely to be open, unburden their worries and feel motivated.

One of many ways we can do this, in addition to focusing on the positive and managing our expectations, is to be present and take a sincere interest in their world. You may be thinking, “I am home with my teenager 24 hours a day, how much more present can I get?”

Being present takes time and energy and is tough when we're working from home, have our kids at home ( all the time) and a list of jobs to do, but it is important. It is about taking the time to understand and respect their interests, their need for space, their need to be in contact with their friends, the challenges of keeping their room tidy and their view of the world. Our teens still need boundaries but they are much more likely to feel motivated to cooperate when they feel connected and respected.

It is our job to keep alert and create and seize the opportunities to connect such as having dinner together, cooking together, asking them to show you (sincerely) the video game they love, showing interest in their favourite TikTok posts, playing your favourite family game on the weekend, watching their favourite film, saying goodnight to them (no matter what their age), asking if you can come into their room and have a chat. Seize the moment – it’s the spontaneous times that are usually the best.

Our locked down teens are understandably finding it tough to stay motivated. The silver lining is that we have more time to think about our expectations, focus on all the little things they get right and be proactive and creative about connecting with them and building a relationship that will stay with us long after we are all unlocked. Enjoy your teens and good luck xx

Harmony at Home - Making the Best of Tough Times

Wed, 15 Apr 2020 11:57:21 GMT

How are you doing?

Parenting, working, supervising school tasks, helping others or just putting food on the table during isolation demands strength and focus. I have been reminded many times over the last three and a half weeks that stress, anxiety and mental strain as well as just keeping our families going, causes real physical exhaustion.

If you are feeling tired and anxious you’re not alone. A recent poll asking about the mental, emotional, and physical health of respondents amid this global pandemic showed that the strongest and most pervasive emotion they are feeling is anxiety, followed closely by overwhelm or exhaustion.

Uncertainty is something humans are not so good at and leads to anxiety as does adjusting and transitioning to our unique not at all normal new normal. It is a process, one that we have never experienced and one that unfortunately takes time.

Managing our Expectations : When we are tired, when we are low, when we feel that we’re just not getting anything done, it’s time to adjust our expectations about ourselves and those around us. This process of expectations management is hard and is especially tricky for the perfectionist. Uncertainty and fear cause stress and our kids have an uncanny knack for sensing all that we are feeling. We will see, at a minimum, more tantrums, sibling scuffles, less time to do our work AND difficulty concentrating when we are working and that’s even before we talk about the challenges of home schooling which start apace next week. We need to manage our expectations (perhaps this is time to let our duvet ironing go) and trust in the foundations of our family, to focus instead on building connections AND be gentle, very gentle, with ourselves.

Be wary of the information overload . Our on-line lives are providing vital support by keeping us connected, helping us to keep learning and exploring, helping us work and keep businesses alive but we need to be wary of whether information overload is fanning the flames of our discomfort. When we see endless posts and articles telling us how we should be doing everything from home-schooling, to reshaping our entire businesses online while setting up interesting creative activities with our kids, is this adding to overwhelm? Is this too much to ask in the not at all normal new normal? Be kind to yourself – be gentle. Instead trust your instincts, get curious about your kids and how the situation is affecting them and keep finding ways that you can connect and all laugh and let off steam.

This is an enormously difficult time and it will be especially challenging for some of us. But in this hardship, can we think where we might find our opportunity? We are stuck at home with our family which is unprecedented for many of us, especially for those of us with teen and young adult children. How can we use this time to get a little bit closer and for our kids to feel supported, safe and seen? This is not to put more pressure on ourselves but rather to help us remember that with difficulty there is also opportunity and that our kids want more than anything just our presence and for us to be ourselves.

Let’s look at a few practical things we can do:

1. Home-schooling or learning in isolation? - First it is not home schooling - for those who do home school their kids it can look very different from learning remotely or in this case, in isolation. With home schooling, there is a plan, activities to get out and about, lots of learning with others – so if you are thinking “Schools go back next week and I am not cut out for home schooling"– few of us are cut out for providing our kids’ education at home in isolation. We are doing the best that we can and the best learning (after they have done the work provided by school) may be using their imagination, reading, accessing amazing on line resources such as Common Sense Media's Wide Open School and Khan Academy and spending time exploring new ideas with you.

2. Flexible structure . It won’t be the first time you have heard about the importance of a schedule to help us all get through this time in isolation. We want to work out a schedule with our kid’s input and revise it often. What a great time to build collaboration and flexibility. The conversation should contain plenty of ‘when we’ve done this… then we can do that.” As well as flexibility and revision - ‘how did yesterday go for you?’ “I am not sure that we have had enough time for reading and just hanging out over the last couple of days. What do you think?” Short spurts of work (while you work perhaps) followed by fun, movement, connection and descriptive praise.

3. Make space for emotions. We know that fear and anxiety cause stress and stress shows up in our behaviour. The inevitable worry that we all feel, whether fear about our loved ones, disappointment of missed activities, feeling isolated from our friends or just confusion about so much change, the stress we feel manifests itself in each of us differently depending upon our temperament and personality. The uncertainty AND the isolation are going to be especially tough for those who are more anxious.

Is your child an orchid and more sensitive to both the positives and negatives that life throws at them or a dandelion who is more resilient and is less likely to feel overly anxious? We want to recognise and help ourselves and our kids make space for all these feelings. We don’t want to talk our kids out of the feelings or deny them but rather be open and inquisitive and validate their feelings: “I can see this is really tough for you. ““Tell me more about your worries. I can see how you would feel that way. That is tough” “How are you feeling about going back to school while you are still at home?” Only when they are CALM can we focus on problem solving - Then we want to focus on what we can control such as a schedule, staying safe, connecting with friends on line, exercise, sleep, being mindful of how much information we are digesting and putting some energy into helping others.

Give choices : A way to give our kids a great feeling of control in a time of worry and stress is to offer them choices as often as we can. “Do you want to do your cleaning job before or after lunch?” “Shall we take the dogs out after or before lunch?’ “Do you want to work in the kitchen or in the playroom?” “Shall we play Connect 4 or Bananagrams?” “What’s your plan for getting some exercise? “Not only does giving choices help us remember not to bark orders and nag, it is respectful and empowering for our kids. Competencies build confidence.

4. One on one time – What is it that you can do with each of your kids that will make them feel relaxed, safe and connected to you? You may think that you are home with them all day so you are together. We are talking about special time with each of them – it can be short – that says “there is not where I would rather be right now than here with you”. It can help our kids avoid the outbursts as well as just make them feel closer to you. One of my kids has a new interest in the garden and our thing is to get outside weed and grow seeds. Another is interested in cooking and I can be the sous chef while we chat. Another has spent time decorating her room and I Iove to sit, chat and see what she has done. This will evolve over the days and the weeks, but it is our job to take their lead, show our interest and keep filling their emotional cup.

5. Acknowledge ALL the stuff they get right – We are all confined to a small space. Sometimes it is hard to remember to focus on all the small things our kids get right. Leave the blame, judge, punishment or shame outside your home as it eats into our kids’ self-esteem. If we want to motivate them to behave well, they need to feel good about themselves and believe that we love them for who they are (warts and all). “thanks for coming when I asked for supper.” ’You did your cleaning job without being reminded- that’s being responsible” “You remembered to put your glass in the dishwasher.” “Wow you are so angry but you remembered to use your words rather than hit – that is great self-control.”

6. Put on your oxygen mask – We will finish where we started with a reminder that there is a reason that they say to put on your own oxygen mask before helping those around you. We need to feel grounded – which is hard right now – to be self-aware and to be the captain of your ship – so our kids feel safe and secure. It is vital to take time out and save a space for yourself. Share your worries with a friend – try to laugh and cry and most importantly manage those expectations – one day at a time and be gentle with yourself.

Helping Siblings to Get Along

Tue, 14 Apr 2020 15:05:58 GMT

Practical strategies to manage sibling flareups while deepening the relationship

Siblings stuck together in close and closed quarters is a recipe for flare ups, bickering and full blown arguments no matter what their ages. Exasperated and exhausted parents, who are trying to keep working, run a school, put food on the table, clean the house, worry about loved ones, and have just a little time alone, are finding policing sibling struggles particularly tough.

Sisters and brothers fight for many reasons and being at home together for weeks on end provides endless opportunities. Siblings fight to get our attention, to protect their things and their space, when their needs are not being met in other aspects of their young lives, when their differing temperaments collide or when they are bored. Add to that feelings of anxiety and stress, a need for privacy and space and extended boredom and it's a perfect storm of sibling unrest.

When our kids argue, bicker and fight it pushes our buttons. We feel out of control at the best of times but add our stress and anxiety around isolation and Coronavirus, and it seems an impossible ask for us to keep our cool. Big feelings can make us react in ineffective ways – snapping, shouting, nagging, jumping to conclusions, perhaps sending everyone to their rooms and seeking refuge in ours.

How can we stay calm in the moment, help our kids learn to manage and redirect their big emotions, ask for what they need and get along? A sensitive response is important, especially in these difficult times, as not only do we send the message that ‘it is tough but we’ve got this’ but it reinforces for our kids that there will be disagreements in relationships, that this is normal and a healthy part of life and that reparations are also an important part of the process.

To begin with we need to:

Acknowledge that our job is be the coach and NOT the referee : As parenting expert Bonnie Harris reminds us; we need to remain objective not judgmental. A coach is open minded and their job is to help kids learn from this time and the next and the one after that and help them focus on problem solving rather than ascribing blame. It is not our job to award the penalty. When we Judge our kids feel misunderstood, hurt, disrespected and resentful. These feelings only serve to lower their self-esteem and the cycle of sibling rivalry continues. Giving up the role of problem solver and passing this to our kids sends the message that we trust them to be responsible and capable of finding a mutually acceptable solution. Trust with support is empowering.

Manage our expectations of ourselves and all those around us : This seems to be the mantra for this difficult time and it is no less important around sibling fighting. All siblings fight and argue. It is a normal and even healthy part of growing up. Being cooped up together in this not at all normal new normal means we can only expect MORE sibling struggles. Armed with realistic expectations we can start to appreciate that there will be many more triggers for sibling outbursts. We can be compassionate and breathe a little deeper than we normally would and think about what we can do as the parent and coach to help our kids, with differing ages and temperaments, build stronger relationships that outlast this unusual time we have together.

Hold regular family meetings : It won’t be the first time that you will have heard about the importance of gathering as a family to talk about how everyone is feeling, what they think may make life run a little smother at home, raise grievances and come up, together, with family rules and routines. Each family will have a different approach and set of rules and routines that fits their style and values. Perhaps you decide that for certain designated things permission needs to be granted from the owner before they are played with (the favourite car) or borrowed (the favourite blusher). Perhaps you decide on a family game night as fun family activities and rituals build family bonds and sibling tolerance. Perhaps you agree on how the household chores will be delegated, rotated and done and draw up a plan. It is vital to get the kids input as it helps them take ownership and feel heard.

Special time : Being all in one place and with a little more free time (many of us don’t need to commute any longer), we can invest in supporting our kids, of all ages, by spending one on one child-led time with each of them. This special time is gold dust as it improves behaviour, builds self-esteem, helps children learn to self-regulate and de-stress through deepening our connection. This is a vital way to send the message that we love EACH of our kids deeply and uniquely for who they are. The trigger for some sibling fighting is the ‘I wish you had never been born” scenario with kids imagining (dreaming about) what it would be like to be on their own and get all the attention from their parents. Special time can help address these big feelings as your routine presence, undivided interest in them and time together deepens your connection. The message ‘that there is nowhere else I would rather be right now than with you” is a powerful one. Setting up special time between siblings when two can play, do activities and muddle along together can also be an important bonding time.

Our job as the parent coach with realistic, or at least measured expectations, a respectful dialogue, input from our kids and special time together will go a long way towards reducing sibling struggles. Over the coming weeks will still likely have plenty of opportunity and time to practice these seven practical steps for supporting sibling struggles and building harmony:

1. Intervene only when necessary. Ignore as much as possible the low-level bickering but when things have heated up, take a deep breath and just state what you see “I see two girls who both want to play with the same car.” “I see one girl who used to have the car and still wants to play with it. “I see another girl who wants to play with it as it is now next to her.” Ascribing blame or judging sounds like this – “why can’t you just ask and play nicely. It always ends in tears. You are just too aggressive with your sister!” Just stating calmly what you see gets their attention, shows you are objective and deescalates the situation.

2. Console your kids to calm the situation - We cannot learn when we are flooded with emotion – At this point, we need to right the ship, offer life jackets and get back to calm waters. “Goodness I can see you are both really upset and need my help. I have two arms, one to hug each of you and then we can sort this all out.”

3. Be curious – We tend to jump in without even questioning who was the instigator or at least without asking what happened. It’s was only when you take the time to get to the feelings behind the actions that we began to understand the behaviour. It might sound like this’ ‘For you to say that shows me how angry you are. I am wondering whether you’re feeling that he always gets first choice? ““I am thinking that you were not sure that you wanted to give that car away and that you are regretting the decision?” or “I’m thinking that your swimming lesson was tough today and that you' re still a bit mad.”

4. Empathise – By accepting the underlying emotion, no matter how uncomfortable it might be, and using the ‘name it to tame it ‘approach – Such as 'annoyed' with your sister who seems always to be right there, 'jealous' of your little brother for getting all the attention, 'frustrated' that you are stuck at home and need to share, we give our kids permission to have the feelings. Only when the underlying feeling is accepted and named will they be able to begin to learn to regulate and manage the feelings and move on.

5. Set limits respectfully – All emotions are acceptable but some behaviours are not. When everyone is calm, revisit the behaviour and help your child (without any judgment) say in her own words what happened: e.g. “You wanted to get on the swing. You thumped Emma because you thought it was your turn. We need to help you tell Emma with your words because no one should be hurt.” For more on this read our blog on positive discipline. Where appropriate invite them to make amends. Forced apologies are not valuable but focusing on the needs of the one who was wronged teaches empathy. “Does Emma need a hug?”

6. Help your children to manage next time - Invite your kids to come up with their solution for helping them manage their anger next time they are ‘annoyed’ or experience another other strong emotion. This is best done in a quiet moment when you are connecting with your child. “I know you don’t always want your sister around when you are playing with your Lego. She likes being with you. I am wondering what you could say to let her know that you are getting upset?” Teaching them to ask for what they need is a vital life skill.

7. Give Positive Attention - Notice and mention all the things they get right through the process - their engagement, their creativity in problem solving, their willingness to make amends. Keep the process positive and descriptive and they will take on board the learning. If we criticise, blame or punish, they will feel belittled, or resentful and feeling poorly about themselves means it is more likely that the behaviour will reoccur. Children are born with an instinct to get things RIGHT.

Finally, the best way to handle sibling squabbles is to lessen the chances of them happening in the first place. In these extraordinary times, if we can keep focusing on helping our kids feel safe and secure, happy in themselves and connected to their family, it is less likely they need to seek attention and have their needs met through heated sibling conflict.

Please let us know how you get on and we send our love and support from our family to yours.

Isolating with your kids? - 10 tips to help

Thu, 19 Mar 2020 15:25:55 GMT

Confinement with your kids - the not at all normal new normal -10 tips to help

We're all facing the reality of isolating at home (again) with our families for what may be several weeks, or longer, and it's hard to know where to start.

It’s normal to feel anxious faced once again with the uncertainty. We all have our own raft of emotions about being stuck at home and concern and worry about family and loved ones, the prospect of juggling our work with our new role of head teacher, worries about our jobs and our community and overall uncertainty. There have been many wise words written about ways to keep anxiety in check by acknowledging our concern and focusing on the preparations we can make to keep our family and our community safe. Anxiety can be triggered by uncertainty and our world seems defined by a lack of certainty at the moment. Limiting media expose, sticking to a daily routine, taking control where we can such as hand washing and social distancing and acknowledging our worry while keeping the middle ground between overestimating and underestimating the threat are all things we can do to address the worry. We recommend a watch of the NHS video by Ali Matthu on coronavirus anxiety.

Our kids have their own feelings and depending upon their age and temperament, they may be feeling bewildered, sad, anxious, angry or even excited to be at home which may then wear off as the reality of days stuck with you as their new head teacher sinks in. With us all under one roof and feeling the situation in different ways, we need to take it slowly, be flexible and above all show empathy and compassion.

In these strange and difficult times routine, rhythm and understanding are going to be key in helping us all manage time together in close quarters. School work and work needs to get done, exercise and fresh air need to be taken, household jobs will need doing but most importantly, fun and laughter need to happen too.

We know that thoughtful preparation will always help us manage anxiety, stay consistent and support us in staying calm for ourselves and our families. We are in uncharted territory and we'll need to be thoughtful and flexible as well as kind. We express our worries in different ways depending upon our unique temperament and outlook – you will and your kids will. The key is to be understanding and to show compassion to others and especially to ourselves.

We can’t take away the uncertainty and the fear and it is not healthy to push it aside or deny it. We can only work on the things over which we do have some control. In addition to washing our hands and social distancing, we can prepare ourselves to be at home together for an open ended period. Here are ways to get prepared as well as ideas on managing the added pressure of working from home.

The not at all normal new normal

Working from home . We have never been here before and we will need to manage our expectations. If you are trying to work from home the reality is that you will not get as much work done and if you have small children this will be even less. The expectation around your work, your kids and your life at home will need to shift and adjust. One parent told me that their colleague announced to everyone on yesterday’s conference call – “you will hear kids in the background from time to time – this is going to be our new normal.” Keep flexible. Be honest. Try to ditch the guilt. If both parents are at home perhaps take turns with the childcare so the other one can get some work done. Work in shorter bursts that fit in with your kids learning schedule or if they are younger, their naps. The reality for all those with kids at home, especially those with little ones, is that you are going to be getting work done when they have gone to bed or if you are an early bird, before they get up.

Here are a few of our practical suggestions:

1. Have a family get together – (with some good snacks) at the beginning of your family confinement. It’s important to keep acknowledging everyone’s concerns, including your own. Talk about the unprecedented nature of this worrying situation in age appropriate terms and that you are going to take it one day at a time and focus on what you can control knowing that you will all need to be flexible. Talk through with them what you all think needs to happen at home and get their thoughts on how each of them can help. This is the time to talk through guidelines, expectations and worries. Engage them, get their buy in and let them voice their concerns. Agree that this is not one conversation but the beginning of many as you all learn together and adjust. Don’t forget to think about the enjoyable and fun things you can do as you are all together and what you can do to help others.

2. Talk through the Schedule – This will be determined by your school situation. It is important to set up a schedule if your kids are school age (or even university) and vital if you hope to get some work done as well. Talk through the ‘class’ times and when breaks, lunch will occur. It is crucial that your kids come up with the schedule with you. Perhaps a visual timetable would help, especially for younger kids, so that everyone knows where they need to be and what is happening. Let them know when you might have conference calls and explain that it would be very helpful if you weren’t interrupted. Empathise with any parts that you think might be tough “I can imagine that it might be hard to be at home but then have to be at school.” ‘You are used to having Mummy all to yourself as when I am working, you are school. I get that.” You will need to be realistic about what you can get achieved if you have young kids.

3. Daily rhythm – If there is school work to be done then you can incorporate fun activities which give everyone things to look forward to and provide a rhythm to your day. Remember that no one works for 8 hours straight at school, days are punctuated by activities, interaction with friends and exercise. Reading a story in the morning, baking in the afternoon, playing a board game after lunch, practicing the trumpet at 4pm and walking the dog together are all good options. Fit them around your own work schedule and try to have them happen at the same time every day. Perhaps you feel that you never have enough time to play board games with your kids, or read to them - this is your chance.

4. Prepare the environment - Should you have school aged children you can decide together where you will all work. It is ideal if each family member has a special working space with laptop if necessary and available and perhaps headphones. If office space is short, set up a table in the living room or a bedroom, with a good light, that can be left up. Let kids be involved in gathering all they need and feeling comfortable about their space.

5. Screens - This time will likely show us the blessings and the challenges of screens. It is more important than ever to stay in contact with family and friends and we are all thankful for Skype, Face time, House party etc. Over the coming weeks screens will help our kids stay in touch with their friends and relatives, learn on line, listen to music, laugh at Tik Tok, follow their interests - all of which can have a hugely positive impact. We talk often about screen time boundaries and have lots of good practical ideas in our blog on screens . This is however an exceptional time and we will all need to remain open minded and listen. Talk about screens with your family soon and often and decide how you all feel about social media, the bombardment of information, news feeds and how they make you feel. Is it contributing to your anxiety? You may all decide to check your feeds just a couple of times a day. Have your kids, especially teens, come up with their own strategies for not getting distracted or adversely impacted by what they are seeing on their screens. Communication is the key.

6. Outside time – If you can get out of the house, do it. Fresh air, exercise and moving their bodies will all have a positive impact on how they and you feel. You child may be reluctant if their ‘exercise’ is normally as part of an organised extra-curricular activity. Empathise with this and try and find a new take on outdoor time – perhaps taking a football on a walk, trying to train the dog (finally!), planting seeds in your garden.

7. Share your worries and concerns with a friend rather than with your kids. Our kids look to us to set the mood, for guidance and are incredibly perceptive. Rather than unloading your fears on your kids talk with your partner or a friend. It doesn’t mean that your kids can’t know that you are worried but it helps you work through some of your own feelings so that you can remain calm with your kids. Take a quiet moment and give a friend a ring. Our fears, guilt, worries and all big emotions are likely to surface in our behaviour unless we can process them in a healthy way. Articulating and sharing our concerns to an empathetic listener will help.

8. Notice the small things that everyone gets right . If there is ever a time to notice, point out and acknowledge with descriptive praise all the positive things that your kids and family get right, it is now. We want to use every single opportunity we have to deepen our connection and help our kids feel surrounded and supported by love. Social distancing means less affection. If we can’t show how we feel physically we need to do it with our attention, our interest and our words.

9. Sharing is caring . Helping our kids think of ways that they can help others in need not only is the right thing to do but it builds resilience in tough times. Whether it is drawing pictures or writing to family or friends who are confined at home, sending a food package or delivering, if you can, special treats to those at home, come up with things that you can do together for others.

10. Play . It is important that we make laughter and playing with our kids a priority– no matter what their age. Perhaps the novelty of being home will wear off. Perhaps we will get frustrated at all being under one roof. Persevere in finding ways that you can play together as laughter is a vital counterbalance to stress. Play your favourite family games, come up with new ones, be silly, be spontaneous, be creative – just have fun. Laughing relaxes your body, triggers the release of endorphins, boosts the immune system. When we are playing, and engaged with our kids, they feel more connected, secure and safe.

We send you our love and our support and we are here to help in any way that we can.

Get in touch, ask questions, share your thoughts. We are a community and are here to support each other.

How to Help Your Kids Develop Good Screen Time Habits

Fri, 14 Feb 2020 12:01:52 GMT

5 top tips for avoiding screen time battles

Do you, like me, feel excited about holidays or extended time with your family but also feel worried and anxious about how you're going manage your kids' screens?

Whether it's gaming, endless hours on Netflix, a Tik Tok obsession or heads down and thumbs whirling on social media, there is plenty to get emotional about.

The question for so many parents is “ what is a healthy digital diet for our kids? ” The confusion and concern isn't surprising as we continue to hear about digital addiction and a decline in teen mental health believed to be linked in part to screen use. There are as well our own feelings and instincts about what feels right and the fear of the inevitable battles and disagreements that will be needed to enforce any rules. Where to begin?

The starting point, we suggest, is for us to appreciate and acknowledge that there is little delineation between the digital world and our kids' lives. This is their world and our job is to be curious, supportive and most importantly to have a relationship with our kids so that we are able to influence the development of good digital habits and digital resilience.

While evidence suggests there is no need to panic, it is important to be proactive with our children’s digital diet - it's our job to help them establish good habits. I like to remind myself that the tech giants’ aim is to make the online environment as compelling as possible. If we find it hard to resist the pings and notifications emanating from our devices, the ads that pop up everywhere in response to our on line activity or the 'next episode' tab on Netflix (and I know I do) , imagine just how challenging it is for our children to resist the draw and distraction of their screens. As kids’ brains don’t fully develop until they are in their mid 20’s, we need to provide the boundaries and reason that will keep them healthy and happy on line.

A recent report from the LSE concluded that ‘ supportive and enabling parenting has a more positive impact on digital resilience than strategies to restrict or monitor internet use” . That said, for younger children, parental controls are a good and necessary tool.

The key is balance and boundaries . We need boundaries but want to remember that just imposing rules without a relationship can lead to rebellion. It's vital that we connect with our children and show that we 'get' the role that devices and all things digital play in their lives. Investing time in understanding and avoiding being dismissive of the things they love whether it's TikTok, the latest video game (perhaps Among Us) , or the latest series on Netflix, will reap benefits. We don't need to agree, we just need to understand. Coming from a place of understanding, both of the attraction of but also the challenges they face on line and why it’s hard sometimes to stop in a non-judgemental and supportive way, will help us with the more difficult conversations. When they feel we understand, they're more likely to be open to our guidance, more likely to cooperate with limits and boundaries and more likely to eventually take on our values including having balance in our lives.

These are 5 top tips for taking a practical, positive approach to parenting around screens:

1. Agree guidelines upfront – Hold a family meeting (make it fun) and involve your children in the decision-making process. Asking for their ideas and their input and discussing their feelings shows respect. This is also great modelling. I suggest starting with things that everyone should do everyday - it is not then all about the screen time limits but instead what is included for a healthy life - such as exercise, fresh air, good eating, helping in the house, family time and downtime. Setting screen time limits as just one thing that we do for a balanced healthy life is reasonable, reflects family values and teaches good habits.

Involve the kids as they may not always relish the limits but they are more likely to buy in and cooperate if they know we are listening to their voice. We are always surprised how sensible and constructive kids can be during these discussions. So often we impose rules (with our controlling hat on) rather that discussing their objective and their merits such as good sleep hygiene. Engaging their rational thinking brains tends to lead to greater responsibility and feeling of accountability. Each family will have their own approach but here are a few examples of things you may wish to consider:

How many hours of screen time a day for each child? As said, work screens around the other things they are doing – family time, revision, exercise, sleep. Balance and self- awareness are key skills for our children to learn around screens. I find it's important to talk through the things that need to get done before screens ( homework, family jobs, exercise etc). Setting the scene for screens as a 'when I've done this, then I can do that' is a healthy habit and a practice of delayed gratification. For more information on recommended screen usage see: https://www.theparentingpartnership.com/navigating-the-net

What are they doing on their devices ? This is a good time to check in and discuss the games they are playing, the films and sites they are accessing. Get informed, show interest, play their games and agree what is appropriate.

No Phone Zones: The consistent recommendation on healthy digital usage is for pho ne free meals and phone free bedrooms and this is another area and that is vital for us to model for our kids. The research continues to underscore the importance of family mealtime for healthy kids, both in mind and body, and no one is fully present when they are checking their phones. Good sleep habits include two hours of screen free time before sleep (for more on the importance of good sleep hygiene read Matthew Walker's book Why We Sleep) . I also like the idea of phones only for group music or podcasts in the car (without headphones) and only for photos on family walks outings.

2. Take time and show an interest in their on-line world - How much more connected do we feel to someone when they take a genuine interest in what we are doing? It's our job to get familiar with what our children do on line. What do they love about their on-line life? – chatting to friends on Snapchat, making funny Tik Tok videos, what is it about the latest game that they love so much? Whether you have one week with your kids, a few days or indeed several months, we can seize the opportunity of time at home together to listen hard, talk and show our interest. They are much more likely to open and share with a non-judgemental, interested parent who shows that they respect the things they love about the digital world.

3. Be an Emotion Coach - We may not always like what they like and we may not always like their behaviour around screens but we can show them that we are listening and understand. As Stephen Covey says in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Habit 5 is Seek First to Understand , Then to Be Understood . It might sound like this:

“You look sad that Emily wanted to make that TikTok with Pippa rather than with you. That must be hard. You probably feel a bit left out.”

“I so get it that you would rather stay here and finish another level on that game. I know that family walks are not always your favourite thing. What do you call them - forced marches? We really appreciate that you are coming with us.”

" You find our rule about the phone being put on charge in the kitchen at night really hard. I bet you think you might be missing out on something. Sleep does not seem so appealing."

We don’t always agree with the behaviour and sometimes it's not ok and we need to set a limit but we always seek to understand the underlying feeling. We want to send the message to our kids that their emotions are always accepted. Our kids don't like losing control and getting angry and it only adds to their tough feelings and exacerbates things if we react and lose it too. Hard as it is in the moment, if we can think about how they are feeling, name the emotion and stay calm we are more likely to help them solve the problem and develop the self-discipline they need around screens.

4. Acknowledge the things they do right - Noticing and mentioning all their good choices with descriptive praise builds their motivation to cooperate. Think about your attitude towards screens and how you talk to your children – try to focus on the positive as when we only point out the negative it's guaranteed that they will stop listening.

“You waited until after you’d finished your revision to check your Instagram. You understand that you need to concentrate and that it's hard with your phone in the room."

“You remembered the rule about putting the phone on charge in the kitchen at night and I didn't even have to remind you. Thank you.”

"I know it's tough for you not to get drawn in for another game. You showed good will power deciding you needed to stop and letting your friends know this would be your last game."

We are all conditioned to point out all the things our kids get wrong or at least not quite right. It takes self-discipline and will power to refocus instead on showering our kids with positive attention and acknowledgement. The idea here is that if our kids hear us acknowledging their good choices, good decisions, good actions and behaviour, they in turn think of themselves as embodying the qualities we are looking for and pointing out such as independence, kindness, self control, able to make the tough decisions and resilience. They are much more likely to cooperate and do the right thing when they feel we are on their side and we help them develop a strong sense of self with good self-esteem.

5. Set up for success to fill non-screen time. Rather than leaving things to chance or being unprepared c ome up together with things you all can be doing instead of screens in those “I’m bored” moments. Put up the family list that you have created together in a visible place and get things ready – the packs of cards on the sideboard, the board games on the coffee table.

The ideas are only limited by your collective imaginations:

· Family walks

· Movie night with popcorn

· Building a den inside with the table cloth

-Baking a cake

· A family book club

· Games: ball sports, hide and seek, treasure hunt

· Board games – perhaps the one you have not played for years or put out a puzzle even teens love a puzzle.

In the same way that we don’t allow our children unfettered access to chocolate, biscuits and the sweetie jar, we can get prepared to ensure our children enjoy a healthy digital diet. A collaborative supportive approach which puts screen time as part of a healthy balanced lifestyle sets our kids up, and indeed the family too, to build healthy digital resilience.

5 Top Tips to Reclaim your Family Weekend

Thu, 13 Feb 2020 09:29:25 GMT

How to reconnect and restore yourselves and have some fun

Do you feel overwhelmed and exhausted by the end of the weekend? Does it seem that no sooner have you reintroduced yourself to each other after a long week of school and work that Monday morning has rolled round again? Do tempers flare as you’re all rushing from one activity to the next? By Sunday evening do you feel flat and unfulfilled and no closer to your kids?

One Mum said that Saturday was the most stressful morning of the week and that despite the anticipation and expectation about having a wonderful time together, the reality was usually different. They tried hard to do nice things such as pancake breakfasts but there was always a rush to get everyone out the door to the next activity. They were tired, with too many things to do and not enough time together. There was nagging, shouting and the odd tantrum and by the end of the weekend, with homework to do and jobs to finish they were all still exhausted.

Perhaps that sounds all too familiar.

We all love a happy relaxed weekend but with competing interests and many worthwhile and worthy things to do, vital peaceful family time is usually the first thing to get brushed aside. How can we make sure that everyone has manageable and realistic expectations and that each one of us feels reconnected, recharged and that we've had some fun together too?

Here are our 5 top tips for reclaiming the weekend:

1 Plan Ahead - Prioritise and plan your family time. Investing energy in setting priorities saves precious time, keeps us on track and reduces weekend hotspots. When we take charge, and are proactive about our family time and values, we create a calmer happier home. We are not in charge when we are reacting as things happen around us or leave things to chance. Set out, discuss and agree together during the week what needs to get done and what can wait so that time together can happen.

It is especially important to plan, communicate and be consistent with screen time limits. Without a plan set out in advance we can just imagine finding our kids on screens all over the house with the inevitable disagreements about the where, when and for how long. This usually descends into nagging, repeating and the odd raised voice. For more on setting screen limits see our blog .

When we take time to plan, get our kids involved, and set things up so they are more likely to go well, we can proactively manage the hotspots. We need to keep each of our children, with their unique temperament, in mind. For example, if you have a sensitive child who finds transitions difficult, you’ll need to allow more time to move from one activity (pancakes for example) to another (leaving the house suited and booted for football practice). You want to give him plenty of warning (“remember we chatted about football yesterday. What did you decide you were going to do to give yourself more time and get ready this morning? yeah that's right you remembered about getting dressed before pancakes' ) and yourself the time to listen and empathise with his struggles. Restorative, relationship building fun weekends don’t just happen, we need to set up for a successful weekend by taking the time to plan, collaborate and to communicate.

2. Be realistic – So often we have a wonderful and worthy list of things to get done on the weekend. There are logs to be stacked, cars to be washed, reports to read, piano to practice, football to be played. Some of our frustration and emotion can arise when our expectations about what we can achieve and the reality of where we should be focusing our time and energy are out of synch. Having our family values in mind helps keep expectations and reality in check.

I often come back to Stephen Covey and his Seven Habits of Highly Successful People . Habit number two is: ‘begin with the end in mind’. Having a clear vision of the destination helps us move proactively in the right direction. You might ask yourself “can I realistically get all that done (the loft cleared, the long bike ride, the cakes baked) AND stay on track towards my end goal of raising kids who feel securely attached to our strong family unit?” My goal involves spending quality time with all my kids at the weekend. Being realistic about our time may mean saying NO to something else and in order to give ourselves the opportunity to be fully present for your kids AND do what needs to get done. Keep in mind that the 'NO' might just be the extra activity that you feel your child SHOULD be doing. Having a clear realistic goal will often help these decisions become clearer.

3. Make memories - My memories of my childhood are of cricket matches, riding bikes, garden antics, playing cards and lots of laughter with my parents and siblings. There were also the swimming lessons, homework, jobs and tantrums but they have, for the most part, receded to the backdrop in my memory. Keeping memory making and joy an important part in our weekend can take energy but by planning, being realistic and adding a little fun and creativity we are most of the way there.

The word ‘creative’ always scares me as I think of craft filled afternoons which are not my forte. But it can be a lot easier than that. How things are perceived will often depend upon how they are presented: the small wheelbarrow or the sledge so you can all move logs together, having a speaker with your kids choosing the music while you all wash the car, the den you all build inside with the table cloth when it is raining with the video at the end while you finish your report OR the coffee run with your teen via the dry cleaner on the way home.

There are other ways to be fun AND practical. My sister and her husband had a little rule when her three boys were young. If one of them needed to get in the car to run an errand, they took a child with them. I love this idea as they made the time with one of their sons special while being helpful to their partner who was left at home with a smaller complement of children instead of being left with all three and wondering whether the other was enjoying a quiet latte and the car wash.

4. Be Fully Present - In a world where we are over scheduled and attached to our screens, bring fully present for our kids becomes more challenging but more important. How are we going to understand the inner workings of their world unless we take it upon ourselves to be present for them? Without presence, how can we ensure that we are curious, interested and fully engaged in their lives? We know that presence and connection are vital for the wellbeing of our children and research continues to underscore the importance of our presence in their healthy development.

Dan Siegel and Tanya Bryson’ s new book: T he Power of Showing Up draws on the field of attachment research and reveals that parental presence -how a parent is open to and focused on the inner life of the child - is the best predictor of how emotionally and socially resilient a child will be as they develop into young adults. They describe how this parent-child relationship helps foster a secure attachment by providing the four S’s of being seen, soothed, and safe to cultivate security. All the research shows that children who feel securely attached are more likely to develop this resilience that is vital to our children’s health, happiness and success. It is empowering to know that showing up for our kids has such an impact.

If we are rushing from pillar to post at the weekend when we have the greatest chance of being together, we are missing an opportunity to be present. When we say present, we mean fully present and showing curiosity about what makes them tick. It is worth remembering that there is no such thing as multitasking. Scientists have demonstrated that our brains cannot do two things simultaneously, rather it switches from one task to the next. This switches takes time, energy and comes at the cost of our focus. Saying that we are fully focused and present on the conversation that we are having with our son whilst we are checking our text is an impossibility!

Fully present means slowing down, fully engaging and treasuring the moment. We build the connection with our kids and deepen the relationship when we send the message that there is nothing else I would rather be doing than spending time with you.

5. This is not about perfection . There is no such thing as a perfect weekend, a perfect parent or perfect kids. It is about good enough, being ourselves and remembering that we are all human. Our kids don’t want perfection, they want us. Planning ahead, being realistic and keeping the expectations in check, putting memory making and the joy of the moment at the forefront and being present for your kids are all a great start. There will however be low parenting moments, when things don’t go to plan, when we lose it with our kids or perhaps when something else we just must do gets in the way. We can be honest. “I am just exhausted. I am sorry that I have not been fully there for you this weekend. I am going to get home early on Tuesday” ‘Wow I did not mean to shout at you. I let my worries get the better of me and I am sorry.” “I can see that you are upset. I should have set out exactly what we needed to get done so that you could manage your computer time. Let’s make sure that we talk through our plans for next weekend during the week.” When we show our vulnerability, we are teaching our kids that it is ok to make mistakes and that we can problem solve, repair and move on. We are, after all, doing the best we can with what we’re working with in the moment.

Finally, when we are clear on our goals, when we are realistic and proactively seek joy in the moment with presence, we are much more likely to end the weekend feeling reconnected, recharged and happier.

Choosing a school. Why your child's temperament might matter

Wed, 20 Nov 2019 00:00:05 GMT

Insights into what makes your child tick

No matter where you are on your school journey, the prospect of searching for and deciding on the school where your child will be happy, grow in confidence and be successful can be overwhelming.

‘Schools’ for parents at a certain stage (in fact most stages) becomes a never-ending topic of conversation. Informal opinions, assessments and sometimes family experience can be a way to get a grasp of what a school is like, beyond the website and the ratings, but this can also send you off in the wrong direction for the wrong child. We suggest that you begin by taking a long hard inquisitive and honest look at your unique child. Understanding how your child experiences school will guide you on your way.

Let’s begin by having a good look at just what makes your child tick. What is their temperament, their character and what are their strengths and weaknesses –social, sporting, academic, creative? Where are they on their journey of development? What are your own family beliefs and values? Once you have answered these questions, you can begin to match your child to an environment to which they are best suited and give them the best chance to be happy and thrive.

1. What is temperament and why is it important? Temperament is a set of innate traits that organises your child’s approach to the world. These traits are instrumental in the development of their distinct personality along with cultural influences and life experience. Research supports the idea that temperament reflects individual differences and has genetic, biological and neurological underpinnings. We can see our children’s temperament very early on and although it stays relatively stable it can be modified and adapted through age, experience and our parenting - which is why parenting and the school environment are so important.

Temperament is never ‘good’ or ‘bad’. We all fall somewhere on a scale for different traits for example intensity, sensitivity or energy. It may well be hard to believe when our kids are young that some of the same traits that challenge our parenting go on to be highly valued in adults such as independence, persistence, intensity or curiosity. It is our job to identify, understand and accept each child’s unique qualities not to change them but rather to help children optimise their strengths and minimize their weaknesses - all with the aim of building self-awareness and self-esteem. If we ignore the way our children are wired, we might find ourselves swimming upstream.

In our work, we use the framework provided by Dr Stella Chess and Dr Alexander Thomas whose research in the early 1950’s identified nine categories that define temperament. It can be extremely helpful to uncover your child’s innate temperament to explain their reactions and behaviours. It is how we help our children manage their temperament that will determine whether these traits are perceived by them as being a bad or good thing.

Here are some examples of what children need to hear from us, to understand and learn to work with their temperamental traits. A child with low adaptability might need to hear “I can see you taking your time and thinking this through. That is a good plan as you like to know what is happening and what to expect” rather than “oh come on you will be fine”. A sensitive child should hear “you’re getting upset easily because you’ve had busy day and you are sensitive so it makes you make you feel funny and you get tired easily. Let’s go home and have some calm and quiet time.” instead of ‘I am sure you are just tired. I think you are being a bit over sensitive.” Or an intense child could hear “I can see that really upset you. Things can be really frustrating for you when they don’t go right the first time.” The aim is to frame our observations and feedback to them positively. As we help them appreciate, understand and manage their own temperaments we help them build self confidence and self-esteem.

Understanding our children’s temperament and thinking about our own is vital in helping us to have realistic expectations about our children. Not only will this help in thinking about the right school but most importantly it helps us respond appropriately and calmly to our children at home. When we appreciate why our persistent child finds it hard to let go, we can be more compassionate and help them learn strategies to manage rather than just getting frustrated and cross.

An important temperamental trait and perhaps one that we think is easily recognisable is sociability – whether your child is an extrovert or an introvert and it is worth a word especially in the context of school life. The distinction is usually referred to as shy versus outgoing. But, it is to do with how these two types of temperament derive their energy - how they recharge. An introvert needs downtime to recharge. An extrovert is energized by people. Sometimes we mistake shyness and social anxiety for an introverted temperament with a need for quiet time and solitude. On the face of it school is for extroverts and for introvert’s school can be quite overwhelming. These children often don’t know how or where to slowdown and find some peace. Quiet children not only need to have a time and place to recharge, they need to find their voices in the classroom and can need support to uncover their interests and passions.

Looking at some other temperaments - an intense, sensitive, reactive, persistent, glass half full, child will also need a lot of support to manage school.

My eldest son is an intense, persistent, sensitive, introvert with dyslexia that was initially undiagnosed. He found the classroom and the social side of things challenging at first and let out his frustrations on occasion on his classmates and got into trouble but usually he let it all out within the safety of his home. He was what we call a strong-willed child and the struggles initially reduced his self-esteem and caused more poor behavior. I sought support and was reminded ‘just think how hard school is for him every single day!”. What a revelation as I thought that he was just naughty. When looking for a school, we needed somewhere with joined up thinking, good learning support, structure, lots of pastoral care but which also could challenge him academically. He went on blossom at his senior school because he had a supportive structure, understanding and inspiring mentor figures, a huge array of activities that challenged him and where he found like-minded friends and all this allowed him to gain competence and boosted his self-esteem.

Asking our children what they enjoy about school and what they find challenging (perhaps having to sit still in lessons, having to switch quickly between activities, the playground, math’s!) will give you further vital information about their temperaments and how they experience school. This understanding of what makes your child tick is vital in thinking about school and right fit but it can help use be more compassionate and support of their everyday experience. Our aim is to find an environment where the demands, expectations and opportunities are going to be compatible with their own unique temperament – an environment where they have the best chance to thrive.

2. Developmental stage : Another factor that may have a bearing on your child’s school experience is her developmental stage. It is helpful to recognize that children all develop differently (physically, emotionally, cognitively) and that is OK. Just to know that developmental stages are not the same as age and age is less important, helps us manage expectations about our children and again think about the environment in which they will thrive.

Both my girls were born in the summer. My youngest daughter was academically able and socially adept and sailed into school smiling all the way (with the occasional telling off for being too chatty). Her birth order may have helped but developmentally she reached milestones before her older sister. Her sister has a late August birthday and as a sensitive, introvert, who always took her time to adapt, being the youngest of 550 pupils was going to be a challenge for her in her first school. In those early years, she had frequent tummy aches on the way to school. In hindsight, I can appreciate that she didn’t truly thrive until she went to a smaller, quieter, less rigid school where everyone knew her name. There we and she found that she had a hugely rich internal world, is incredibly perceptive about people, is a loyal friend and, once she feels comfortable, contributes in her own insightful way. She just needed time. She went on to blossom and grow in confidence at her small senior school and caught up with her peers developmentally. She went from sitting with her back to the audience as an angel in the Reception nativity play to being comfortable speaking to an auditorium full of people.

3. Family Values : Values. We want always to ask ourselves where is our moral compass set and what would we like to pass on to my children? Every family is different and it is such a useful exercise to work through this together. As Stephen Covey says in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - we need to “Begin with the end in mind “. It is about the journey but we need to have the destination clearly in sight.

Talking about and living these values consistently, openly and honestly is the most effective way to ensure that your kids adopt them as their own. We want to get clear on our own values before we choose a school for our children as it is important that we are all on the same page. You don’t want to get there only to have it dawn on you that their beliefs are distinctly different to those that you would wish to impart on your children.

Amongst other things, effort, attitude and gratitude are important in our family. We talk about a Growth Mindset Approach to life and learning therefore, it was important to find schools that would focus on the effort, attitude and approach rather than just the results. We also try to acknowledge and celebrate our individual interests, strengths and weaknesses. To me it was important to look for a school that accommodates, supports and celebrates individual talents and interests.

Another example of family values is our approach to digital devices and this is more and more important. You might ask what are your family values around technology? No phones at meals, during homework or in bedrooms? What are the school policies? Is the school adaptive and responsive? You most likely want a school that is walking the talk.

Finally, we want to get a picture of what looks and feels right for our child –looking at the world through their eyes and understanding how it feels to be them. We can then focus on choosing the right school for their unique temperament, at their stage of development and one which fits with our own unique family values.

My Toddler's Favourite word is NO!!

Mon, 04 Nov 2019 20:19:29 GMT

Top Tips for Greater Cooperation and Connection during the Toddler Years

Exhilarated, exhausted, baffled by their energy and their whining?? You must have a toddler.

I remember my sister who had three young boys close in age telling me, a professional woman with no children and a savage schedule, that she wished she had time just to shave her legs. I thought that was absurd. Surely she just got in the shower? Then my turn came, with three, three and under I didn’t have time to shower, let alone shave my legs. How my life had changed. Instead of nice suits and swish lunches, an outing to Tesco, in my gym kit (no hope of ever getting to the gym) for lunch in the café and only a minor tantrum in the aisle was an absolute triumph.

Life with a toddler, or several of them, is by its nature full on and exhausting. I look back now and wonder if I spent enough time enjoying them, appreciating and revealing in the joy and wonder that these small people bring. I do know that I could have been a little kinder to myself, patted myself on the back a little more often and I could have had more realistic expectations about my kids and what life should look like.

Perhaps the toughest part of life with a toddler and the one which pushes our buttons is the constant whining and lack of cooperation accompanied by all those “NO’s!”. But when we can remember that their job is to get what they want or to put it more politely, to have their needs met, in whatever way they can, we begin to understand and can be more compassionate about their often frustrating and usually exhausting behaviour.

It is absolutely right that we ask the question, why is it so tough to get our kids to cooperate and just do what we need them to do?

These early years are a time of huge development and I find it helpful to think about what is happening in their brains. As they develop they begin to understand that they are their own (little) person. They seem to be almost taken by surprise and often marvel at their new-found voices along with a new drive for independence. All this is entirely normal as they pull away from the utter dependence upon us.

The part that is not yet developed however is their ability to regulate themselves and their emotions. Along with limited self-control, they have big feelings but lack the language to express themselves effectively. We need to be their self-control and help them learn about cooperation, self- discipline and doing the right thing. We can start early to teach them calmly, with patience and understanding about limits and cooperation. That however can be a big ask in the face of a tantrum or ‘NO, NO, NO!’

The influence that we have with our children no matter what their age comes from our relationship. The connection comes from how we speak and interact with our children and how we show them that we get it, we understand their pain and are not afraid of their big emotions. We are sending the message that they are safe and that “we’ve got this together”. When we meet their big emotions with our own, we don't get anywhere. If we can start with the premise that our toddlers are having a problem, not being a problem, that they are not doing it ‘on purpose’, but are just trying to get their needs met in the only way they know how with their underdeveloped brain, we will be more able to help our children learn with understanding, curiosity and compassion.

Here are a few tools to help you calmly, effectively and happily navigate the toddler years:

Show them we understand – Acknowledge their feelings by putting them into words: “I know you don’t want to leave the park. You love playing in the sand. I bet you feel that we never stay quite long enough. That's so hard!' said with a calm, compassionate expression.

Set clear limits and stick to them – “It's time to leave now so that we get back in time to feed Tabby. I bet she is hungry”. Give them choices – that you can live with. “Are you going to walk to the car or jump in the stroller?” Giving choices is effective as it gives children the feeling that they have some control. It can often head off big emotions before they get started and develops the part of their brain responsible for self-control.

Be creative and use humour – “Do you think that Tabby is sitting in her basket asking ‘Where is Freddie? I am sure my watch says he would be home by now’” – using your best cat impersonation.

Calmly and consistently keep to the limit - “It's hard to leave the park. You love it here. You can decide if you want to skip to the car or I can push you. If you can’t decide, Mummy will decide for you”. Calmly and firmly keep to your limit. He may cry, which is a sign that he is letting out his big feelings, and that is ok. Help him get back to that calm place with your support and empathy. Only when he is calm can he think. He may need a huge hug. That is also ok and you can talk later about how hard he found it to keep to the limit, when you are both feeling calm and connected.

Descriptive Praise - We get more of what we pay attention to. When we focus on all the things they get right and as much as we can ignore the poor behaviour, we will get more of the behaviour we want to see. The positive attention builds our connection, teaches them about the behaviour we are looking for and builds their self-esteem. It gives them a feeling that they are children who get things right.

And finally, a word about Special Time . One on one child led special time is incredibly effective at building connection, deepening your relationship and healing wounds. Our children get a feeling of unconditional love when we make it clear that there is nothing that we would rather be doing than spending time with them. A wonderful ritual to add to your family and wonderful way to enjoy your toddler.

Taking a deep breath and responding to our small ones rather than reacting to the behaviour builds a connection. Connection is the key to greater cooperation. It is tough when there are other children competing for our time and attention. If we can pause, breathe and do our best to show we understand, letting them know the big emotions are ok but some behaviours need to be modified, we're teaching our little ones healthy ways to get their needs met and that we are present and see them

For help and support, get in touch for a FREE introductory session. I'd love to help.

Help! Where did this behaviour come from and what do I do about it??

Tue, 15 Oct 2019 11:23:15 GMT

Three tips to address difficult behaviour and get your family back on track

Aside from kicking leaves, picking apples and carving pumpkins, this time of year brings shorter days, a long school term and exhausted children. Whether your little one has started school, your bigger one has moved up to secondary school or it is just a new school year, the change of routine, the greater demands and the waning excitement as they realise they are in for the long haul, can sap their energy and sink their mood. The result can be tricky behaviour that you may not have seen before.

We know this autumnal pattern all too well and have a few tried and tested ideas to get you all back on track:

1 . Tackle the hotspots with some forward planning .

We all have times in our days or weeks when the train predictably comes off the tracks. Perhaps it is mornings and getting everyone out the door in the right clothes, with the right stuff, with good food in their tummies and on time. Or perhaps it is the evening when you are all tired and there is homework and music practice and you have an eye on that clock wishing it forward until your kids are asleep.

An effective first step to tackling any hot spot is to hold a family meeting. It may sound contrived but we know that no matter what the ages of your kids, when you all get together, at a time when you are relaxed and chat through what makes your hot spot a hot spot, good things happen.

Perhaps start like this: “Mornings are not really working for us, are they? What do you think we can do to help us all get out the door on time - perhaps even with a smile on our faces? Ok, even without the smile.” Keep the tone light and your goal of a smooth, calm morning with a consistent, predictable routine in mind and brainstorm for solutions. Perhaps you will need to get up a little earlier. Perhaps the kids can pack their bags the night before. Perhaps they can decide what they would like for breakfast to avoid the ‘discussion’ about it in the morning.

Evenings are the number one hotspot for our families. A clear set out routine to which the whole family has contributed is THE most effective way to avoid the evening stress. It is through routines, repetition and practice that we instil good habits that last a lifetime. A routine that includes getting homework or music practice done before the game or story teaches our kids about getting the tough stuff done before the relaxation and fun – a great lesson in delayed gratification. Predictability with a clearly set out routine not only keeps us all on track but it helps avoid the nagging and repeating. Rather than ‘how many times do I have to ask you to get upstairs?” it becomes “You have worked hard to finish everything you need to do down here. What do you need to do now?”

Write down your collective ideas and what you have agreed and shake on it so that everyone buys in. Then get started! Don’t forget to listen and empathise with their worries and concerns, keep the mood positive and acknowledge all the things they get right.

2. Don’t take it personally .

A change in behaviour can often seem to be targeted directly at us. We are our kids’ safe space and although it may be hard in the moment, we do want it that way. Our children often bottle up their feelings and manage to hold it all together at school only to let it all out when they get home or even before they get that far. If we can dig deep and remember that their difficult behaviour is usually caused by tough feelings and that they are not simply out to get us, we can support them with compassion rather than with frustration, anger or judgement. Our aim is to stay calm and if we can remember that they are ‘having a problem not being a problem’ (a phrase coined by parenting expert Bonnie Harris) we will be in better place to acknowledge their feelings and empathise with them without our own emotions getting in the way.

Imagine their day. Perhaps they feel that have been told what to do ALL day long and they have just had enough. Perhaps they are finding new friendship groups hard to navigate and are feeling insecure. Perhaps they are struggling to make heads or tails of science and are feeling unsuccessful. Maybe they are just feeling they are on that hamster wheel of life! There are endless possibilities and our job as parents it to get to the ‘why’ behind their behaviour.

By taking the path of curiosity and understanding we send the message from our own calm place that ALL feelings are ok. Yes, even the tough ones like jealousy of a sibling to whom all things come easily, embarrassment that they forgot their homework diary AGAIN or anxiety at having to stand up in class and recite those tricky times tables. Taking it personally means we can get caught in how the behaviour which these emotions underpins might reflect poorly back on us. When we remind ourselves that it is about them, not us and approach them with understanding and perspective we are better able to help everyone get back to calm. Then and only then can we teach them to express themselves in an acceptable way. If we are caught up in taking their behaviour personally, we won’t be able to do our job.

Rather than: “Do not throw your bag down on the floor!” or “Do not speak to me in that tone of voice!!” try “I am thinking that you had a pretty tough day as it is not like you to speak to me that way (or throw your things on the floor)”. Think openness, compassion and curiosity and this usually starts with taking a stress reducing long deep breath.

3. Special time.

So much of unwanted behaviour comes from an unmet need. You might not know exactly what this need is (tiredness, feeling overwhelmed or out of control, a need for attention, jealousy, frustration) but we do know that a greater connection will always be a vital part of solving the problem. Spending even a short amount of special time with your child builds that connection. No matter what their age, uninterrupted, child led and fully engaged one on one time gets things back on track.

If you can carve out just 10 minutes of alone time with each of your children you will build their confidence, meet their natural need for attention and let them know that they are special. You will be sending this message: ”there is nothing that is more important right now than my time with you”. In our busy, over scheduled, always on world, this is gold dust.

Put special time in your routine as a non-negotiable – perhaps in the evening or at the weekend and let them know when it will be and that you are looking forward to spending time together. Turn off the phone (nothing buzzing in the background), shut the laptop, put away all distractions and ask them what they would like to do. Perhaps it’s a game of Connect 4, baking, a run around the garden, drawing, Lego, a back rub or a foot massage. The possibilities are endless. Consciously putting the time aside during your busy week means that you can both relax and enjoy being together while cementing your relationship. A deepened relationship addresses misbehavior, stress, anxiety and is the key to having a child who is confident and open to our support and our influence.

When thing get busy and we all get tired and a bit overwhelmed, a little forward planning combined with stepping back from taking our children’s behaviour personally can help to shift the behaviour. Adjustment and change takes time. It is about progress, enjoying the journey and each other along the way, rather than perfection.

"I need help getting my son to sleep through the night. We are all exhausted!"

Thu, 18 Jul 2019 16:32:19 GMT

It is comforting to know that it is normal for children, and adults, to wake during the night. Most of us don’t even realise that we have moments of being awake and this is usually during our deep sleep phase when we dream. We are straight back to sleep again. Although up to half of five year olds have times when they don’t sleep though, it is also normal for children six months or older to be able to sleep all the way through the night.

There are many reasons that a toddler might be waking and you might begin by making sure that the bedroom is dark enough, that his is dry, not hungry or thirsty, that his day time nap is not too long and that he is not overtired.

The next step is to ensure that you have a consistent bedtime routine. A regular routine, that you and all your child’s caregivers adhere to, can help address sleep issues now and will also help your child develop good sleep habits for life. Bedtime routines work as children know what to expect, they learn to relax and the routine becomes associative with sleep. Equally important, a consistent calm routine helps our toddlers to feel safe and connected to us and in better place to self sooth to sleep and get back to sleep on their own when they wake in the night.

Start your bedtime routine, as much as you can, at the same time every evening and this includes the weekends. A warm bath relaxes and it is ideal to be clean before bed. Teeth brushing, even with the first teeth, is an important habit and with all these little jobs, make it as much fun as you can but without too much stimulation.

10 to 15 minutes of daily quiet one on one time with your child helps build the secure connection that is an important part of a peaceful calm night. Let your toddler lead, perhaps lie on the floor in their room and quietly colour, play matching pairs or a puzzle. Keep the bedtime routine to their bathroom and bedroom. Sometimes we find ourselves getting anxious around bedtime as we start anticipating resistance. A quiet time of connection can help sooth us both. Read a story. Let them choose (a book with an appropriate length!) and snuggle up and enjoy.

Say goodnight, give them their favourite teddy or soft toy and quietly leave the room. If your child is used to you lying with them, rocking them to sleep or sitting on their bed to get them to sleep there will be a transition period. Consistency is key. The pattern that we set for going to sleep is important to night time wakers as they need to know that they can get back to sleep on their own.

Children react to night waking in different ways. Some may cry out, feeling insecure and unsettled and others may be sensitized to having an adult’s presence to get them back to sleep. We want to let them know that they are safe and teach them that they can get back to sleep on their own. If your toddler does wake in the night, resist the urge to lift him or cuddle him or put him in your bed. Instead sooth quietly perhaps with ‘sweetheart, it is sleepy time now’ and a soft hand on his back. Whisper goodnight and quietly leave the room. If he cries out when you leave, wait a moment to see if he settles then sit quietly on his bed. Sit next to him the first night, not touching or speaking until he gets back to sleep. If he wakes the next night move to a cushion on the floor and over the next nights move your cushion towards the door. This gradual retreat method may take some days or several weeks but your son with realise that he can calmly get himself back to sleep on his own.

Finally, as with all change, no matter what the age of your child, we recommend a little chat through during the day when you are feeling relaxed and connected about the bedtime routine. You can ask your little one what they think comes next, drawing pictures as you chat through what will come after bath, pj’s, quiet play, stories and a goodnight kiss. The more we talk calmly about what is happening, especially for those who get anxious or don’t like transitions, the less resistance we will get. Stay positive and most important, be consistent. It is worth the effort as you will usually find that daytime behaviour improves when your child has slept soundly and you will feel more confident and you are being calmly proactive. Good luck and sweet dreams.

Exhausted by sibling fighting? Try these practical steps to restore the peace

Thu, 18 Jul 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Top tips for managing the sibling squabbles this summer:

As the mum of three, sibling squabbles have been a big part of my life. When my children were young, exhausted and exasperated, I used to think “can’t I even leave them alone for five minutes!" and sometimes, “when does school start again?” Happily, things have moved on and they are now great friends, but the constant bickering was a real button pusher.

When our kids argue, bicker and fight it is exhausting and can be stressful. We feel at a loss to help them get on and sometimes think that they never ever will. These big feelings can make us loose our cool and react in ineffective ways. We jump to conclusions while resorting to shouting, nagging, bribing or just expelling them all to their rooms.

Is there a way to stay calm in the moment and help our kids learn to manage and redirect their big emotions and get along?

Happily, yes there is! We need to begin with a sensitive response that reinforces for our kids that there will always be disagreements in relationships, that this is normal and a healthy part of life and that reparations are also an important part of the process. Our families are, after all, THE greatest training ground for life.

The first step is to manage our own expectations. All siblings fight and argue. It is a normal and even healthy part of growing up. A quiet home with adoring siblings who play happily together for hours and never argue or disagree may sound great but it is unrealistic and can be unhealthy. Armed with realistic expectations we are more likely to recognise the many triggers behind sibling outbursts including boredom, tiredness, overstimulation, jealousy or frustration. This understanding gives us a greater chance of addressing the triggers while keeping our cool. One of our main goals is, after all, keeping our cool.

The second step is to remain open minded. Once we get the idea that to be fair and effective, we need to remain neutral and objective, we can move from finding blame and judging to trying to uncover the problem behind our sibling struggles. I used to jump in and assume that my young impulsive son was always the instigator. My daughters, now teenagers, told me recently that they would purposely wind him up as they quite enjoyed the spectacle of their brother getting angry and me getting cross with him while they quietly retreated to have a quiet play in their room! When we jump in and punish rather than remaining objective and looking for the feelings underlying the behaviour, our children can feel misunderstood, hurt, attacked and resentful. These feeling only serve to lower their self-esteem which in turn causes more poor behaviour. You can imagine that they might start to think "I am the naughty one", "I ALWAYS get in trouble and Mum never sees what Ellie does to me first". “Mum likes Ellie better than me”.

With this mindset of realistic expectations and objectively, we are in a better place to calmly adopt a practical approach to sort sibling squabbles and lay the groundwork for sibling harmony this summer and for the years to come:

1. Intervene only when necessary. Ignore as much as possible the low-level bickering but when things are heating up, take a deep breath and simply state what you see “I see two boys who both want to play with the same car.” “I see one boy who used to have the car and still wants to play with it. I see another boy who wants to play with it as he now has it.” We often try and solve a problem by ascribing blame or judging – “why can’t you just ask and play nicely. You are just too aggressive with your brother!” Just stating calmly what you see gets their attention, shows you are objective and deescalates the situation.

2. Console them to calm the situation - We cannot learn when we are flooded with emotion. At this point, you need to right the ship, offer life jackets and get back to calm waters. “Goodness I can see you are both really upset and need my help. I have two arms, one to hug each of you and then we work this out” or “I think that we all need a moment to cool down.”

3. Be curious -. It was only when we take the time to get to the feelings behind the actions that we begin to understand the behaviour. It might sound like this “For you to speak to me like that shows me just how angry you feel. I am wondering whether you’re thinking that he always gets first choice? ““I am thinking that you were not sure that you wanted to give that car away and that you are regretting the decision?” or “I’m thinking that your swimming lesson was tough today and that you are still a bit mad about it.”

4. Empathise – By accepting the underlying emotion, no matter how uncomfortable it might be, and using the ‘name it to tame it ‘approach – such as annoyed with your sister who gets it all right, jealous of your little brother for getting all the attention, frustrated that you should share, we give our kids permission to have the feelings. When the underlying feeling is accepted, and named, then they will be able to begin to learn to regulate and manage the feelings and move on.

5. Set limits respectfully– All emotions are acceptable but some behaviours are not. When everyone has cooled down, revisit the behaviour and help them (without any judgment) say in their own words what happened: e.g. “You wanted to get on the swing. You thumped Emma because you thought it was your turn. We need to help you tell Emma with your words because no one should be hurt.” For more on this read our blog on positive discipline. Where appropriate invite them to make amends. Forced apologies are not valuable but focusing on the needs of the one who was wronged teaches empathy. “Does Emma need a hug?”.

6. Help them manage next time - Invite your kids to come up with their solution for helping them manage their anger next time they are ‘annoyed’ or experience another strong emotion. This is best done in a quiet moment when you are connecting with your child. “I know you don’t always want your sister around when you are playing with your Lego. She likes being with you. I am wondering what you could say to let her know that you are getting upset?”

Finally, the best way of handling sibling squabbles is to lessen the chances of them happening in the first place. When kids feel secure, happy in themselves and connected to their family it is less likely they need to seek attention and have their needs met through heated sibling conflict. Our first port of call is always to give positive attention to each child and deepen the connection as when they feel good about themselves they more likely to be kind to their siblings. Perhaps we can all invest time in making sure that we are positively connected to each of our children this summer? Good Luck xx

Navigating Anxiety

Tue, 28 May 2019 14:53:52 GMT

Helping your child to cope

We hear every week from parents who are worried that anxiety is getting in the way of their kids being able to enjoy life. Sadly, anxiety seems to be on the increase. It can show up in any number of ways and can be extremely debilitating. There are children who can’t sleep, who don’t want to go to school, who have tummy aches as well those who are on edge or who can’t concentrate.

We have seen our own children suffer from anxiety, the feelings of unease, fear and intense worry that are often about something happening in the future. We’ve found it helpful to remind ourselves and share with our kids that anxiety is a entirely normal human feeling which serves a very important purpose. Anxiety is a primitive reflex that is designed to protect us from perceived danger eliciting the fight, flight or freeze response. The danger may well have been a woolly mammoth lurking near by but these days it is more likely to be an exam, public speaking, the playground or getting on the school bus for the first time.

When our kids feel anxious our parental reflexes tell us to step in, to help, to fix and to try and take the feeling away. We are coming from a place of love and protection but we may be inadvertently reinforcing the cycle.

Here are a few things to try to help your child learn to cope with anxiety:

1. Help kids to manage their anxiety rather than eliminate it. The goal is to help kids to tolerate anxiety and the ‘you have nothing to worry about’ approach will only make them feel worse. Instead talk about how their minds are working hard to keep them safe but that this can at times be unhelpful. Talk about how they might feel - butterflies in their tummy, sweaty palms or their heart beating faster- and that these are normal responses from their bodies when they go into anxiety self-preservation mode - they are not sick or dying which is a very real fear for many thereby exacerbating their anxiety. They can’t ignore, dismiss or eliminate the anxiety but they can learn to manage it with our help.

2. Avoid avoidance . Suggesting kids avoid situations may help in the short term but it can end up reinforcing the anxiety and become learned response unless caught early on. Kids want to work to overcome their anxiety but their thoughts often get in the way. Our goal is to help them learn to manage the feelings and if we avoid any potentially anxiety making situation we are only reinforcing that there is indeed something to feel anxious about.

3. Use positive language – Focusing on all the things that they get right and expressing realistic expectations will build their self–esteem and put them in a stronger place to manage their uncomfortable feelings. Notice and point out all the times they are working hard to cope: “you recognised that you were starting to feel anxious. You slowed down and took some deep breaths. That is really taking charge of your feelings.” Acknowledge all the little things they do right - “Thank you for asking how I am. That is really considerate.” We call this approach ‘descriptive praise’ and it is highly effective in bolstering self-esteem and instilling a vital sense of competence. Directly in response to anxiety, we can use descriptive praise to acknowledge the effort they are putting in to managing even it if is just recognising they are feeling flooded and deciding to act, perhaps taking themselves off to do exercise or just asking for help. Perhaps try: "that showed real determination to get on top of you anxiety. I hope that helped."

4. Name it to Tame it - Giving voice to the feelings does not highlight or exacerbate them, quite the opposite is true. Naming the anxiety doesn’t mean that you are agreeing with it either. When you acknowledge that these feelings exist and validate them, your child is in a better place to learn to take control and this is " reflective listening" . We want to listen hard to hear and understand what it is that they are most anxious about and how it makes them feel. “I know this is very hard for you. You are anxious about the test. I get that” “I used to feel that way too. Does your tummy feel funny right now?” Just letting them talk about their fears and emotions can help them process the feelings and help them to a place from where they can start to problem solve.

5. Take small steps – With any child we want to set things up so that they succeed. Helping our kids to work through situations and experiences one step at a time builds competence, confidence, independence and self-esteem. With an anxious child, we want to take the same approach but at an even slower pace. For example, very gentle gradual exposure for kids who get anxious around social situations might start with a play date with one friend followed by a couple of friends before trying the bigger birthday party. This approach will help her realise that she can manage her anxiety one step at a time.

6. Focus on solutions. So often kids get caught in a negative feedback loop and focus on their fears. Talking through situations and supporting them to come up with their own solutions can calm their worried brains. If we can move them from a focus on the anxiety to telling themselves that they don’t have to listen to the noise in their heads, they will be working towards solutions and learning to manage their internal voice. “Tell me a little more about that fear. Let’s break that down and see if it is completely right. How can we take that worry that I know you are feeling and turn it into a positive thought?”

7. “ I am here to help.” This is the most effective phrase that we can use with our kids as we work through anxiety. They need to know that they are not alone and that we are not worried by their worries, that we are in it together’” I know you feel anxious. I know you can do this. I am here to help.”

8. Model how you manage your own anxiety . Kids pick up on our vibes. If we are worried, they will think that they should be worried as well. We want to think about the message that we are sending. Can we put extra effort into taking a positive, problem solving, proactive approach to our own anxieties and challenges? We can explain to our kids that we sometimes get hijacked by our thoughts and we need to be brave and put ourselves back in charge.

9. Teach ‘The Hidden Chimp”. We love Prof Steve Peters author of the Chimp Paradox and the recently published My Hidden Chimp for kids and creator of the chimp management mind model. This great resource explains anxiety to kids as their minds being hijacked by their emotional brain that acts without their permission and the book sets out ways in which they can get back in charge and manage their minds and their anxiety. We also recommend the work of Kate Collins Donnelly including her workbook Starving the Anxiety Gremlin A Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook on Anxiety Management for Young People.

10. Know when to seek help – It is important to teach kids that we all feel anxious and it is a normal response to keep us safe. It is also important to recognise when acute anxiety is getting worse or interfering with their everyday life, or not improving then seek professional help.

Techniques for managing anxiety can help all our kids cope. It is normal to feel anxious before a test, or a big social event, an interview or a presentation. The more we talk about the feelings and our bodies response to anxiety - the quickening of the heartbeat, the tighter breath, the sweaty palms, the tensing of muscles - as an amazing yet normal response to potential danger, the more our kids will be equipped to cope.

Tips for a successful family summer

Thu, 16 May 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Summer in the Slow Lane – 6 Top Tips for Cherishing the journey

With days on end of wall to wall sunshine the long school summer holidays seem just around the corner.

Anyone just a little anxious about entertaining their kids over the long summer break?

I don’t know about you but I go into organisational overdrive. I make plans, lots of them, thinking of all the things that we can be ‘doing’ to keep my three kids busy partly to reduce the opportunities for lying around the house on their various devices and so that my dream of a fun-filled summer to remember might be realised. But I really don't need to put so much pressure on myself.

A bit of boredom is an excellent thing. Whiling away the hours is a good for developing our kids' creativity, resourcefulness and intrinsic motivation and is liberating for us as parents – so there is not need to feel guilty about a less than fully packed summer.

Kids need some real down-time after the intensity of school and that they also have different agendas from our own and indeed from their siblings so there needs to be some space and flexibility built in. It is also important to think about opportunities for us to ‘be’ together without always needing to ‘do’ all the time. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our relationships were deeper and we felt more connected and closer as a family by the end of the summer?

We can be mindful, however, that if we simply let summer unfurl without any structure, it could take on a life of its own - potentially descending into anarchy with expectations unmet, boredom turning to bad behaviour and instead of connection we end up with chaos. We can set up for success however by thinking about what we each want the holidays to look like and agree together in advance a basic set of holiday rules. Within the scope of these boundaries they can enjoy exploring and even pushing those limits (because at least they know where they are) from time to time. Below are our top tips for setting up for a successful summer with lots of fun and a closer family by the time school rolls around again.

Six top tips for connecting with your kids this summer :

1. Set up for Success - Start as you mean to go on by having a family meeting to talk about your outline plans – sports camps, when you are going away and what everyone wants to do when they get there, ideas for day trips, play dates and other occasions. It is always a good idea for those of you who co-parent to talk between yourselves in advance so that you’re sending out a consistent message to you children. Then it’s time to truly involve the kids to show respect, get buy in and so that everyone feels heard.

2. Be a great listener - Use the time this summer to hone your listening skills. Listening well deepens your relationship as kids feel heard and understood. Hear what they say in an open, non-judgmental and respectful way. Reflect back to them what they have said to you showing you understand and where necessary empathise. “I so get that you would rather stay here on your computer than go and visit Granny.” It doesn't mean that you have to do everything they want but when you can't honour their wishes, listening will help you understand the why and empathise. Feeling heard is often all they need to find a way to cooperate.

As you listen, get into the habit of remembering what they tell you, whether it is their new friends’ names or the little things they like. They remember everything. Conversation - a genuine dialogue - is our best chance of keeping them connected and as they get older and push away, helping them to stay safe and be happy. Take time this summer to listen and converse to deepen and enrich your relationship.

3. Take an interest in their interests Taking an interest in our children’s interests, their points of view and their outlook on the world, shows them that they and what they care about matters. You may not always like what interests them, be it ‘Peppa Pig’, ‘Love Island’, Fornite or even cricket or surfing, but seeking to understand and show an interest builds mutual respect and makes your child feel treasured: “My Mum gets me” rather than “She just doesn’t understand.” Making time to celebrate our children for who they are, their interests, their attitude and their effort rather than what they do or achieve builds a self-esteem tied to their developing qualities making them feel valued for all the right reasons.

4. Set boundaries with respect and with their involvement . Developing a close connection with our children is not a euphemism for permissive parenting. We are still the parents and our job is to keep our children safe, train them in good habits and we need to set boundaries. Being reasonable, collaborative, consistent and following through are key. Your children may not always like the screen-time limits, set bedtimes or having to check in but keeping respectful boundaries builds trust and a feeling of security. As Bonnie Harris US parenting expert explains, "connecting and respecting helps address behaviour that we don’t like. Unacceptable behaviour is more prevalent when our child is reacting to and resisting being treated unfairly and disrespectfully". Poor behaviour is often due to something that needs tending and a deeper connection is the first port of call. We say rules without relationship lead to rebellion. This is worth keeping in mind. What better time than the summer for getting into the habit of respectful limit setting.

5. ‘Being’ is better without screens. Shared mealtimes, fewer hours on screens and muddling through being bored together will all help to support your relationship with your children. Making sure that expectations and limits around screen usage are agreed in advance helps to ameliorate screen-time battles. Think about things to do together instead of defaulting to checking your social media account or having a quick game on your i-phone (remember, parenting is largely modelling). Making and sharing meals together whether a picnic, BBQ or a pancake breakfast is a super place to start. Research shows that when families eat together regularly, children are more likely to be emotionally strong, be well adjusted, have good manners, broader vocabulary, communication skills and feel connected to their families. Summer meals, when we are a little less rushed, are a great time to listen to and value the contribution that each member of the family makes.

6. Keep it positive: It’s important to remind ourselves to positively affirm all the little things our kids get right by using our cornerstone skill of Descriptive Praise. Seeking out and noticing the positive sets an upbeat and ‘can do’ atmosphere at home. Take the plunge and trust that looking for and acknowledging the things they get right such as coming up with a good idea for a family outing, helping with a project at home without being asked, tidying up their room, clearing the table, eating up, being kind and a good friend or sibling, playing by the rules, observing limits on screen time etc. improves behaviour and cooperation. Co-operation comes from relationship and connection. Our children are hardwired to seek our approval. It may not seem to be the case all the time, but when we give positive attention we get more of what we look for.

Set yourselves up for a successful summer with success measured as a calmer relationship and a deeper connection with your children. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said: ‘ Life is a journey, not a destination’. This summer cherish the journey in the slow lane rather than busily hurtling towards the destination.

How do we Raise Resilient Kids?

Sat, 13 Apr 2019 10:32:03 GMT

Try these sentence starters and begin with the end in mind

My eldest has just finished his first two terms at university. It has been fascinating watching him navigate this new chapter where there is no one to remind him to get up in the morning, to tell him how and when to do his laundry, how to budget for beer as well as breakfast, or navigate new friendships and manage and balance his time.

It has made me think hard about the qualities that help our kids make a successful transition to a new stage, a new school or to make a big change. What are the qualities that will help them successfully and happily navigate whatever path they choose? Resilience is at the top of my list.

When we look ahead we are, as Stephen Covey says, in his 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families “Beginning with the end in mind.“ Getting clear on the destination helps guide us and keeps us purposefully forging ahead. The qualities that we would like our kids to hold may be different for each of us as they reflect our family values and ethos. There is however a considerable body of research that points towards resilience, that ability to adapt and change, to bounce back from failure, to regulate stress and retain balance, as the key quality that will underpin success for our kids facing the increased stress, pressure and demands of today.

With the goal in mind, how can we add resilience building into our full-on family lives? Just as we find that routines become habits and reminders can fall away when those habits become values, it is these sentence starters (adapted so they sound fresh!) that I use to keep me on track remembering that the job of building resilience starts when they are toddlers. I have found these ‘go to’ responses a life line to help me stay calm when emotions run high and I lose sight of the big picture of unconditional love, empathy and connection. I have learned over the years that so much of my parenting comes down to thinking about the words and the language I use.

Six sentence starters that will build resilience in your kids.

1. “I am wondering what you think?” So often we tell our kids what to do, what to think, what to say. I catch myself saying “I think you should…” or “If I were you.” or even “No, that is not the way to do it…” These are natural responses as we want our kids to get things right, we want to protect them and help them succeed but when we let them do their own thinking they are learning, growing in confidence and competence and practicing problem solving.

Learning by doing on the small things “What would you like to take in to school to talk about today?”, “What time should we leave to get there on time?”,builds muscle memory and sets kids up to make important decisions on their own ‘Should I go to the party?’ ‘’ Have I done enough maths revision?” “Should I help Mum even though I would rather watch another episode of Vampire Diaries?”

2. “Yesterday morning did not go well for any of us .” Being honest and willing to revisit and problem solve WITH your kids when things don’t go well is good modelling. Perhaps the kids had a hard time remembering the routine and you tried everything until you resorted to shouting. No blame or judgement are needed but rather humbly working together to come up with a practical solution.

This is not wishy washy permissive parenting but a confident proactive authoritative approach which teaches our kids that failure and making mistakes is part of life and builds resilience. We have boundaries and limits to help our kids feel safe and teach good habits and we model being honest when things go wrong. We stand tall, admit things did not go well and model resilience as we talk about what we all learned from the experience and work with our kids, respectfully and collaboratively to see how we can improve for the next time.

3. “Wow that is really tough…” Said with sincerity. Our voices and expressions tell kids when we are being sincere. Remaining calm, unruffled and empathising is the first step to helping our kids manage big emotions and builds resilience.

I love the work of Dr Dan Siegel, author of “ No Drama Discipline ” as it is accessible, logical and based on the latest research in neuroscience. His ‘Name it to Tame it ” boils a whole lot of science down into an easy to remember phrase that helps us help our kids.

When our kids react emotionally their ‘downstairs brain’: the primitive, reactive, flight, fight, freeze, limbic right brain is in full flow and in charge. In this moment, they have little or no access to the ‘upstairs brain’: the thinking, planning, rational pre-frontal left brain. It can be hard to remember that NO problem solving, learning or rational thinking can take place when any of us is flooded with emotion. Our first and only job is to connect with our kids to help them get back to a calm place.

Studies show that when we can get our child to name emotions, their brain emits soothing neurotransmitters that helps to calm it down. Our goal is to give our kids the vocabulary of emotions so that they can self-sooth and move on.

When we say “school can be really tough” or “it is so tough and it hurts when you are left out” our kids feel understood. We are communicating that it is ok to have big, scary, tough emotions. It is ok not to know exactly why you are upset. We are saying “I am here. You are safe and you are not alone. I am not afraid of these emotions. “ This is a right brain to right brain connection which soothes the whole system and this is empathy.

We can solve the problem, with our upstairs brain, but we are missing the opportunity to connect. When we have helped our child to "Name it to Tame it", we can move to problem solving. The message is that all feelings are acceptable although some behaviour needs to be redirected. We are also telling our kids that WE are accepting them for who they are, unconditionally.

How does this build resilience? When our kids experience repeatedly, in their safe place, that big emotions (fear, anxiety, jealousy, anger etc.) are manageable and that they will pass, that we ALL experience big feelings and they are still loved, they are better prepared to take on whatever comes their way in life and are better able to empathise with others and form healthy relationships.

4. “I found that really hard ”. Being open about our own vulnerability helps build resilience in our kids. Teaching them the language of emotion starts with us. “Let go of who you think you are supposed to be and embrace who you are” as Brene Brown, Researcher and Motivational speaker, says. I find it empowering to remember that most important part of parenting is modelling. It can also be quite scary.

I appreciate the impact of my words when my daughters parrot back to me several of my well-worn phrases: “Mum I am sensible! You are the one who always tells me that I have a ‘strong moral fibre’.” When I do something that is embarrassing (for them!), they say “yes we know, ‘Would you rather be a bit weird or really dull?” Our kids pick up, mirror and absorb all what we do and say. This is our opportunity to show them that authenticity and vulnerability, key to resilience, are attributes rather than weaknesses.

5. “How did you feel it went?” This is one of my favourites. I am not asking about the outcome, the result or who won or lost. I am focussing on the input, the experience, the journey. We know that instilling a growth mind-set in our kids – that willingness to give tough things a go and to struggle – is important. We sometimes get caught up in the knee jerk – “what did you get? “ or “Did you win?” Do we want to know who won or would we rather empathise with their experience and have them focus on what they put in without any outside judgment thereby instilling a reliance on their own motivation and evaluation. Growth mind-set kids are resilient.

6. “ Wow! that was kind ( or any another quality that you are seeking to instil in your kids - conscientious, independent, showing initiative, self-control or resilience) ...” Focusing on what our kids get right is another way to begin with the end in mind. Research shows us that we notice more of what we are looking for and that we get more of the behaviours we acknowledge in our kids. It is revision season in many households and we are ‘revision central’ here as we have three out of three doing exams. My daughter may have woken up, what I consider to be, late. I can either remind her that she is late perhaps insinuating that she is a bit lazy or unmotivated, or I could point out the things that she got right. “You remembered to bring your cup downstairs.” “I know you are no looking forward to another day of revision. You still managed a smile.”

When we catch our kids doing the right thing and acknowledge it, we are creating a positive environment, helping them feel competent, successful and building their self-esteem. Not only will they be more open to our influence but it is a sense of self, with strong self-esteem that is the bedrock of resilience.

It is the words that we use every and all day that form an impression on our kids and have the power to change behaviour. These phrases encompass an approach that is proactive, positive and that we know is effective. I often speak before I think and act on impulse. When we are met with big emotions, we naturally use the techniques that our parents used with us. I have worked hard to respond only after thinking about what I want to say. Sounds like hard work? Perhaps, but helping our kids navigate the uneven path of emotions IS important work. Beginning with the end in mind - resilient kids who manage through and don't fall victim to the bumps and potholes along their path is the goal and keeps me thinking "what do I want to teach in this moment?" rather than getting caught up in how their behaviour impacts me. I have learned to take a deep breath and use my words to focus on resilience.

Learn your Child's Love Language

Mon, 04 Feb 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Understanding how your child expresses, gives and receives love can deepen your connection

Have you ever wondered why your child doesn’t react in the way you expect to your outpouring of love? Perhaps your teen recoils slightly from your hugs and physical affection, or your daughter is nonplussed by the time you have invested in choosing the perfect little surprise present, or on the plus side, how a few minutes of undivided attention can change the mood and feeling of closeness with your daughter? Just as each child has a unique temperament and way of experiencing and interacting with the world, they also express and receive love in different ways. This concept of ‘Love Language’ was first introduced by Gary Chapman and further developed with Dr R Campbell in The 5 Love Languages of Children and has the power to transform the relationship that you have with your child.

We often talk about filling your child’s emotional bank account and how each positive interaction with your child makes a deposit that accumulates and this positive balance is key to helping them weather the emotional bumps along the way. As you can imagine, a child who feels loved, accepted, affirmed and supported in this way will be more open to our influence and more resilient in the face of set-backs.

Gary Chapman explains that each child has different needs as well as and their own favourite ways of understanding and giving and receiving love. To fill their cup, we need to think about how best to communicate unconditional love to our child with her unique temperament and personality in mind so that our message is received loud and clear. This is called their ‘love language’ and can be divided into five different ways that we like to communicate and receive love – words or affirmation, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts.

By understanding these five love languages, we can get closer to unlocking our children’s emotional needs. When they feel understood, accepted and unconditionally loved our relationship deepens and this often has the power to transform their behaviour. Their feelings of self worth and self esteem grow and they are more likely to lead happy healthy and balanced lives.

Physical Touch : We know the importance of physical touch to a child’s emotional development. As they get older they still need the physical contact but we can just adjust things to meet their needs such as with a back or foot rub, offering to brush their hair, giving a pat on the knee or a passing touch on the shoulder.

Words of Affirmation : Noticing and mentioning the things they get right is what we call Descriptive Praise and can be transformational in boosting children’s self-esteem and should be part of our interaction with all our children. Children whose love language is affirmation will find this especially important and will love to hear: “Thank you so much for remembering to set the table.” “you were so kind to share that game with your brother” “That song that you played on your recorder brightened my afternoon!”

Quality Time: This love language is all about undivided attention. We should make time to give all our children this gift but for the child whose love language is quality time, think about the story at bedtime, the quiet chat (without screens!) on the sofa, the rough and tumble play, playing games, baking cakes. They need to know that they are more important than ANYTHING else you have to do right now. Try to make this child-led time – you doing whatever it is that they want to do.

Acts of Service : This comes under “actions speak louder than words” and delivered with a positive spirit, this will show a deep expression of love. I know that my children can all clean their rooms, but I also know that it is really important on the occasion when they ask me to help (not do it for them!) that I happily get stuck in - this is a cup filling moment. If they are exhausted, frustrated and overwhelmed for this child, sitting with them and supporting them with their homework might be just what they need to feel deeply loved and cherished.

Receiving of Gifts: This may be the hardest one as you may be thinking that you are not going to shower your youngster with presents. But this is the child who likes to see tangible evidence of our love and it is important to recognise that a random act of giving may help to fill their emotional cup. So be creative and wrap up little things that you may have given them anyway such as a packet of sweets, a t-shirt or some pens.

Everyone usually has a principal love language and if we can think about our children and which one it might be, this will help us meet their deep emotional need in a way that they will understand. That child who did not really want a huge hug may understand our love when we offer to help them hang some new posters in their room or help them finish their Lego tower before tea time.

Becoming familiar with our children’s love language is another way of our being able to seek first to understand, then to be understood! We also want to remember to use and teach our children all five love languages. This will help them develop into emotionally well-rounded and responsive adults.

Less Can Still be More

Sun, 03 Feb 2019 16:51:22 GMT

It is hard sometimes to bite our tongue and let our kids figure it out for themselves.

I still struggle to let go and not give in to my tendency to fix, mend and sort things for my three kids. It comes from a good place, I reassure myself, as it is an instinct to protect, to take away pain and hurt or to short cut their path to solving a problem. I hate to see them suffer and let’s face it, it saves time.

How can we compassionately support our kids in their problem solving so that they learn to advocate for themselves and not to shy away from conflict while building the resilience to manage through the tough times? Resilience I am convinced is the quality that our 21st century kids need to succeed in this fluid, challenging and fast paced world.

The answer lies in empathy and remembering that less can still be more. When we suffer, or hit a bump in the road, our greatest need is for understanding and unconditional love from someone we respect and to whom we feel connected.

Through validating their feelings we are giving them the reassurance and confidence to know they are ok and to keep going. If we are forever stepping in and sorting (‘let me handle this”) or solving (“what I think you should do is…”) and trying to take the pain away (“oh don’t worry, it will be fine.”) we are sending a message that it is not ok to feel big uncomfortable emotions or that we don’t have confidence in their abilities to manage themselves.

We need to trust our instincts as to when we need to step in and help. It is also important that we try to set things up so that are kids are more likely to succeed than fail. If however we can pause and ask ourselves whether they might just find a way to muddle through rather than instinctively offering solutions, we are giving them the chance to learn for this and the next time. Processes become ingrained in us through repetition. The more our kids solve problems, the more they appreciate that problems are solvable and have confidence in their own abilities to look for solutions themselves.

I have been known to sit on my hands or clench the steering wheel to stop myself interjecting with solutions to my kids’ problems. As I have two teenage daughters these are often to do with friendship flair ups and they can go into huge (read long ) detail about a conflict or problem with a friend. I try just to ask questions and offer the odd sincere “wow that’s hard”, “goodness that must hurt” or just “I’m listening”. They keep talking, often venting and when the big emotions have passed and they have calmed down, they invariably solve the problem on their own: “I know I’ll wait for Ellie after maths and we can walk to lunch together” or "I’ll text Harriet, she was not invited either, and I'll see what she is doing." I may get a “Thanks Mum” or I may not, but she has owned the problem, solved it herself and improved her resilience.

When we model listening with understanding, we also teach empathy. This is about listening more and talking less, letting go of our own agenda however well meaning and letting them work safely through their emotions . We may also need on occasion to put our ego (our belief in our own ability to solve their problems) aside in order to appreciate that the muddling through is their opportunity to learn that challenges don’t always have tidy solutions and that problems or conflicts don’t have to be scary and avoided, but are a natural part of life.

A simple resolution that can have a huge impact on your child

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Sat, 02 Feb 2019 17:10:29 GMT

Put one on one time at the top of your list

Although I am not a huge one for resolutions (research tells us that only twenty percent stick past February), I do like the idea of renewal and the hope and optimism that it brings.

Plenty of people do make resolutions and according to Nielsen’s research, unsurprisingly the top two resolutions are consistently to ‘stay fit and healthy’ and ‘lose weight’.

Down at number five is to ‘spend more time with my family.’ At least it made the top five but we think that it should be right up at the top and tweaked slightly to say ‘Spend more time one on one with my family’.

When children misbehave or behave in a less than ideal manner it is usually because 'something' is not quite right. The behaviour we see is a function of the emotion and feelings inside. It is also often the case that when our children are not feeling great, our connection with them needs some work. When our kids feel a strong secure attachment to us, they are more likely to accept our influence and use us as a means of lightening the load, exploring their tough feelings and feeling safe.

Carving out special one on one time with your children is the best way we know to influence, build and create this strong bond.

Here we give you a few realistic ways not just to make it happen but to beat the odds and make it stick. The research says that to adopt a new habit, and this is a new habit after all, our approach should be be reasonable, achievable and you need to be consistent. How many gym memberships and diets get forgotten as our initial enthusiasm peters out or other things get in the way?

Here are five tips to make this important resolution achievable and keep it consistent:

1. Start with small steps : Just ten minutes can make a difference. Commit to saying good night to each of your children (no matter what the age as long as they go to bed before you do!). Knowing they will have this time, makes it more likely that they will save things to share about their day. When you need to pop out to get petrol or go to the shop, take just one child if you can and try to make it fun. In the car, with what Steve Biddolph calls ‘sideways talk’, is a great way to connect. These little times all add up to a strong relationship.

2. Be consistent : Make it a family ritual. Call it ‘special time’ if you like and make it sacred. Make the necessary preparations to make it happen. Your children will feel really valued when they know that nothing comes in the way of your time together.

3. Drop the reins : Make the time fun and interactive and child, rather than parent, led. Kicking a football, colouring together, baking, playing with the dog or painting nails. This is relaxing, screen free time to share. Children feel empowered when you show a real interest in what they love.

5. Never take it away. However disappointed you are with their behaviour that day, never use this one on one time as a consequence or take this time away. This special individual time is a critical building block to address all misbehaviour.

When you think in terms of these five simple steps, you can begin to appreciate that this resolution IS reasonable. It is also important as prioritising spending individual time with your children will change your relationship while boosting their self-esteem and building trust. Giving children our undivided and uninterrupted attention validates them as important individuals which builds their feeling of self-worth. One on one time lets them feel connected to a family but also to each of their parents independently. You develop intimacies, shared memories and insight that will support you through the ups and downs as they change and develop. Your gift of time makes your child feel valued, needed, secure and unconditionally loved.

I am sorry!

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Tue, 22 Jan 2019 20:20:54 GMT

Saying sorry is about so much more than the words

Sorry seems to be the hardest word!

Indeed it seems hard for us as parents to through up our hands and admit that we messed up, that we got it wrong. It is worth the effort, the swallowing of pride and the sometime difficult conversation as saying sorry is about so much more than just the words.

We say that parenting is at least 80% modelling. Our children notice and observe us (like it or not!) all the time - we are their most important teachers. Our kids take on our values and beliefs, not through a lecture but by observing them in action. Hearing us apologise is seeing us live our values.

Research suggests that this idea of learning from observing others is due to brain cells called ‘mirror neurons.’ We may think it is common sense but it is pretty fascinating that it may be due to the way our brain function that lets us interpret the actions we see others perform. There is science behind what we knew is true, that what we model for our kids is vital to their development.

Let’s say that you shouted at your children. You have been working hard to respond to your kids when your buttons get pushed but you had a bad day and you reacted. You can either just move on and hope for a better tomorrow, or you can have an honest open conversation, say you got it wrong and apologise.

Think of all they can learn from seeing us take responsibilities for our actions. We are acknowledging that we all make mistakes and that it is not the mistake that is important but how we respond and what we learn from it that is important. We are not perfect (they will probably agree) and it is in fact very ok to be imperfect and honest. They see that we have the self-esteem to put our hands up and say that we just got it wrong. We may find it uncomfortable but we are not afraid of tough conversations.

We can think of glossing over a mistake as a missed opportunity to help our kids take on our values and feel closer and we know that it is all about the connection.

Fresh Ideas to make your Christmas Very Merry

Wed, 19 Dec 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Build connections that lasts beyond the decorations

Unless you’re a Grinch, Christmas Day promises family, friends, fantasy and fun; a time to celebrate and enjoy each other’s company. Unfortunately, for many, Christmas Day can also descend into chaos with unmet expectations and strong emotions. But it doesn’t have to. With some forward planning and a few tips for managing in the moment you could make your Christmas Day merry.

We spend hours, days, weeks even, planning Christmas: where and with whom we are going to spend it, what decorations and presents to buy, what to eat and drink etc.. We suggest also giving some time to ‘setting up for success’ - considering in advance how the day itself is going to unfold, communicate effectively and foresee hotspots before they take hold.

1. Get everyone in the mood

A good place to start is to make everyone feel good about themselves. It is said that Father Christmas comes to children who have been good so, in the next few days, why not make a conscious effort to note and deliberately comment on everything your children do right. For example, “Sam that was very thoughtful of you to draw Granny a special card; that shows her just how much you love her”; “India you remembered to hang your coat up on the hook when you came in”. "Thanks for setting the table AND lighting the candles." This ‘descriptive praise’ works because it ensures that the narrative and tone in your home is a positive one. Children feel good about themselves and have a clear understanding of what they need to do to gain more positive praise and approval.

2. An attitude of gratitude

Chat through with your children what they may be wishing for on Christmas Day and talk about what gift giving is all about. It is not happiness that brings gratitude but gratitude that brings happiness . Use Christmas as an opportunity to reinforce gratitude and empathy for others as well as managing their expectations around their own receiving of presents. We can do this as simply as pointing out and modelling thankfulness - "That was really thoughtful of Mrs Smith to leave the chocolates for the recycling collectors." Some families include talking through the things they are grateful for each evening at supper as part of their Christmas tradition.

3. Plan for fun

We love a family meeting. Get together and chat through how everyone would like Christmas day to unfold - what makes the Day special for them. Use the opportunity to talk about your values with your children. Give everyone a voice and come up with a plan that works for the whole family. This might include: whether or when to go to church, when to open stockings or Christmas tree presents, who hands them out, what time to have lunch, go for a walk, play games, visit Granny etc.. Discuss what jobs might need to be done and allocate and agree in advance. You might like to even make a little Christmas day planner complete with pictures and laminate it – depending on the age of your children. Planning ahead and including each member of the family gives everyone a say, a sense of ownership of the day. Most importantly planning ahead helps us remain calm knowing that expectations, including our own, have been addressed ahead of time.

4. Give the gift of time

Christmas Day is busy and full of hopes and dreams so it’s not surprising that children can feel overwhelmed. It is always a challenge to give the gift of time. Let them open their presents in their own time – some children like to get the wrapping off everything in record time while others like to open each one and play with it before moving onto the next. Allow them time to enjoy their gifts rather than rushing them onto the next activity or calling them for lunch. Give them your full attention – show genuine interest when they want to share their favourite new toy or game with you – don’t be too busy getting lunch ready or clearing up! As author and child psychologist Stephen Biddulph says, “Rushing is the enemy of love”. We are after connection not perfection.

5. Tears and tantrums

Despite our best intentions when children are up before the sun to see what Santa has brought them – by 3pm, full of sweets and with all their presents opened, they could just be feeling fractious. At this point their merry demeanour may give way to misbehaviour. Before trying to deal with the behaviour - with raised voices and threats to take away their precious new toys for example - seek first to understand what emotions may be giving rise to this behaviour, reflect back to your child to show you understand how they are feeling, empathise and connect. This will reassure them and can take the heat out of the situation. Once all is calm, everyone will be in a better frame of mind to address any difficult behaviour. Rather than “Please stop whinging and just give Freddie a turn” try “You are cross that Freddie wants to play with your new toy. I bet you feel you have not had time to play with it yourself yet.” A kind, loving, positive-but-not-permissive approach is about a lot more than ‘control’ in the moment – it is about building a valuable connection which lasts long after the Christmas decorations come down.

Your guide to a Merry Christmas Day:

1. Set the positive tone

2. Manage expectations and teach gratitude

3. Involve the whole family deciding how Christmas Day will unfold

4. Give your children time to enjoy their Christmas Day

5. Be your children’s emotion coach

We wish you a Merry Christmas

Heather and Panda, The Parenting Partnership.

Strategies for a calm, connected Christmas

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Fri, 30 Nov 2018 00:00:00 GMT

What to do when your kids push your buttons

In the season of advent which is all about preparation and anticipation, we can invest a little time, before things get too crazy, to get ourselves set up for a calm, connected Christmas with our families.

There is so much expectation around the holidays that I sometimes feel overwhelmed before it has even begun. Feeling slightly on edge, a little less grounded means that it is that much more likely that our buttons will get pushed.

When our buttons are pushed whether it is sibling fighting, inappropriate language or a lack of cooperation and appreciation, we tend to react with a less than helpful response. We might shout, blame, judge, nag or punish. I can hear myself saying - ‘Right that is enough, no stockings this year!’. We're likely to regret this knee jerk reaction and then perhaps overcompensate by being terribly nice which then leads to uneasy feelings all round.

There is a way that we can influence how our children's behaviour affects us and how we respond to it. Firstly, we can become more aware of how we react when our buttons are pushed; secondly we can learn to look at things from our child’s point of view. The first offers us the opportunity to do the second and our reward will be a calmer, happier holiday while replenishing and building connections with our children.

Here are a few strategies that help us to respond calmly to button pushing behaviour rather than reacting to it:

· The Pause Button : Steven Covey in his book ‘ 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families’ talks about ‘pressing the pause button’ between our child’s button pushing behaviour and our response. Pushing that pause button gives us the chance to choose between our preconditioned knee-jerk reaction (and the lid coming off) and responding in a more productive way. Rather than ‘No stockings...’ it would be ‘Wow you must be really angry to shout at me like that….’.

· Think positively : When we feel the adrenaline rising, breathe deeply and try to think positively while counting to 10. ‘I am the parent, my child (or teen) is being a child (or teen) what does he need from me right now?’ The likely answer will be ‘understanding’. When we think positively, we leave no room for the negative assumptions that can absorb us and hijack our reactions. We want to be positively in charge as we get to the bottom of the feeling precipitating the behaviour.

· Seek first to understand : Once you have pushed that pause button, try to look at the situation from your child’s point of view. This can be hard because we are busy with our own agenda –perhaps trying to be efficient and effective. A child who feels deeply understood and listened to feels more connected and valued and will behave better both in the moment and in the longer term. Once we understand and connect with our children the problem solving can take over.

Think of an iceberg. What you see on the surface is only a small part of the story. Most of the iceberg is hiding below the surface. With our children, we may only see the behaviour triggered by emotion. Perhaps a feeling of anger is due to the embarrassment of meeting new people, anxiety over exam revision or jealousy about a siblings. It is our job to be inquisitive, to look through and underneath the behaviour (perhaps she hit or swore) to those feelings and needs below the surface. “ I can see you are really upset about Harry getting that special present from Uncle Freddie. I used to feel really jealous when Aunty Jane got presents and I didn’t."

An empathetic approach can not only help defuse the situation in the short term but most importantly through compassion and our reflective listening, children begin to recognise and understand their emotions. We are not agreeing with or permitting all behaviour but we are saying we understand and are teaching our children that all their emotions are valid and a normal part of life however difficult they may feel while some behaviour needs to be redirected. We are giving them a gift of a deep connection and emotionally literacy.

And finally…. look after YOU : It is hard to look after others when we are feeling below par. When we are tired, have not had any exercise, not eaten well or feel that we put the needs of our family constantly before our own, we can feel irritable and sometimes even resentful. This can be so easily the case at Christmastime when stress and exhaustion can overshadow joy and good will. And when that happens and our children push our buttons we won’t be in a place to access that all important rational, compassionate response. Take some time to nourish your body and your soul now to ensure it’s a holiday for you as well as everyone else while making the most of the opportunity to develop positive bonds within your family.

Beyond your Comfort Zone

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Tue, 23 Oct 2018 21:15:59 GMT

Lead by Example

Parenting is no mean feat. There is no such thing as the perfect parent and with this in mind, we like to reflect on all the good things that we sometimes unknowingly drip feed our kids. These are the often-small things that we say and do that our children pick up on or absorb and will eventually make their own. One of these is showing our kids how we step outside our comfort zone. This is the place where exhilaration and real learning reside - leaving the safe, the familiar and the predictable behind but it often takes courage.

A simple way to resonate bravery and courage is to mention it. When you take on a new challenge, adjust the way you do things or put yourself somewhere uncomfortable, say how it feels. ‘I am really working on getting up 15 minutes earlier (Argh!) so that I can walk the dogs and still get to the gym before work”, ‘After trying but being ignored for ages it felt tough but I finally got a meeting with that guy I told you about. Now I have to get prepared!” “Wow I was so nervous standing up in front of all those people, but I did it and it felt great!” “I am anxious about my new French class. It is going to be so uncomfortable but I do really want to see if I can get my French back!”

One of the most important skills that we can teach our kids which takes bravery and courage is the value of having tough conversations. As Brene Brown sets out so well in her book, Dare to Lead "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." Being clear can take courage when we are taught to be kind and we can model this for our kids. This is how it might sound: “I went and had a chat with Hannah. I was really uncomfortable with the way she spoke to me yesterday. It was a tough conversation but I am so glad that I was honest and clear and we can move on. “

Rather than lecturing or pontificating to our kids about the virtues of doing the tough thing, we can show them how it’s done and talk honestly and openly about the feelings both challenging and fun, liberating and exhilarating that come from being brave and courageously stepping outside our secure comfortable place.

Modelling is the greatest part of parenting!

Is Fortnite THE hotspot in your home?

hdnicol@yahoo.com (Heather Rutherford ) — Fri, 19 Oct 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Strategies to help your child unhook

I asked a friend what her plans were for Half Term and the quick answer was 'just trying to provide distractions to Fortnite!" Take comfort that you are not alone if you are parents of one of the 125 million players at last count. Rather than nag, argue, shout or give in, here are 5 ways that you can help your kids unhook whilst retaining the relationship and the connection:

1. Know your stuff: It order to set respectful, sensible limits and boundaries with our kids we need to get informed. Here are some of the things that my son and his friends say make Fortnite SO compelling:

Its a third person shooter game with strategy. Each game starts wth 100 players. To win, you must be the last one standing having run around building or searching out structures and amassing various weapons while eliminating the competition.
You can play alone, in a duo or form a squad with your friends. You chat as you play so its social and great fun when your team gets the Victory Royale.
Its free to download and its cross platform so it’s simple and easy. It officially welcomes players of 12 year olds and above. Due in part to its cartoon like graphics it is appealing to younger kids but Common Sense Media suggests a 13-year-old minimum due to violence and open chat rooms (which can be blocked). New Add-ons are available and although purely cosmetic, they can be really cool.
The game combines strategy (so there is the possibility to improve) with luck which means you too could win and we all love to win!
If you do get eliminated, you can start again – with a bit more luck you could win next time so it’s easy to just keep playing. Think about how much self control is required to avoid pressing the 'next episode' button when watching your favourite series on Netflix.... and mulitply that by several factors.
The graphics are fantastic and fun, the sounds are super and it is often humerous with wacky dances. This is one of the reasons that it is the most watched game on the streaming service Twitch and a top choice for growing eSports platforms.
It is fun, challenging, frustrating, very social and you could win. We start to see why it is so compelling and we can also see that our kids will need our help to limit the time they spend playing.
Why is it vital to understand? In the case of Fortnite, each game lasts about 20 minutes and as you can play alone or in a team, your kids are not going to want to abandon the team in the middle of the game, leaving their teammates in the lurch and losing any points they have earned. So, the simple timer that might be appropriate to signal the end of screen time for another game will be less effective or respectful for this one. Your discussion might sound like this: ‘I know you don’t want to desert your team in the middle of a game. I get that. Let’s decide how many games you are going to play and you can let your friends know that you are only in for two games today. “ " We are all leaving for lunch at 2pm. Shall we work out what that means in term of your computer time this afternoon?" - Respectful, understanding limit setting.

2. Show an interest : I made the mistake when my son was young of showing clearly that I did not get and had no interest in gaming. Would my comments and questions have been different if his passion had been football? Yes, absolutely. We need to respect, show genuine curiosity and interest in our kid’s passions or they will feel misunderstood. Are they going to listen to, seek advice from and feel connected to us if we show little interest in the things they enjoy? This is parenting on the back foot, a missed opportunity and unlikely to inspire much if any cooperation.

3. Set Clear Boundaries and Limits: We should set appropriate and clear boundaries that reflect our values and our children’s age, stage of development and temperament- Just as you would not let them loose in the shops until they were old enough, seem ready and without first teaching them how to find you or their way home, don’t let them loose on line without training and clear rules. You may decide that your child is not ready for Fortnite. Talk it through and with empathy “I understand that you want to play and that your mates all seem to talking about it. I get that. It’s my job to look after you and I am not comfortable with this game at your age.” We know that Fortnite is particularly compelling and therefore harder for them to self-regulate but the principles are the same - boundaries need to be clear, consistent, set confidently but with compassion. “I know you want to jump on and that your friends are waiting for you. What is the rule about homework getting finished before your time on line?” “Yes absolutely you can have your time now as you did everything you need to do. Let’s agree first on how many games and the maximum time.”

4. Support your kids in developing off line interests: Throw energy, creativity and interest into helping your kids nurture things they love to do off line. Let them try lots of things - a little mudslinging to see what sticks. Sometimes they need to try things out to find out what they enjoy. This does not mean signing up for everything and then quitting, always talk it through – “I would be so happy to get you to floorball on Tuesday nights. The course is 6 weeks so let’s chat through what will happen if you decide after a few weeks that it is not for you.” I have not always relished the 45-minute drive to get my son to fencing practice on Friday evening but I do cherish the time in the car and adore watching him doing something that he loves.

5. Family time: A simple yet often under appreciated gift to your children is to have meals together. Warm, relaxed and engaged time with family has been shown to have innumerable positive effects on children including better mental health, higher self-esteem, better academic performance and greater self- reliance all countering some of the concerns that we have about too much time playing Fortnite.

Fortnite is the game of the moment, it might get bigger or it might be usurped by a new upstart but the principles are the same. The conversations with our kids, whether 12 or 16, should be the same and focus on building a respectful connected relationship. This will mean that we are both equipped for the next development whether it is them off to university and needing to self-regulate or a new even more compelling game.